Strawberry
by Brandywine421
Summary: Ryan had to make some difficult choices to take care of Teresa. Can he be redeemed?
1. 1

Disclaimer: I don't own anything OC related. The lyrics belong to Everclear.

**AN: This is a seriously HARD R. It's not porn but there are seriously disturbing images to follow. If you're squeamish, don't read any further. Don't read any further if you're not old enough to watch R movies. Don't flame me if it's too disturbing for you. I'm warning you here.**

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**Strawberry**

_"Never been here, never coming back  
Never want to think about the things  
That happened today  
Want to lay down on the warm ground  
I think I'm going to need a little time to myself…"_

I hope I have the right house. The private detective wanted to come with me, but it's just Ryan. Ryan won't hurt me, he's not dangerous, the p.i. is just wrong.

I've been searching for the kid for two months. He'd left with Teresa to help her through her pregnancy and Kirsten and I had assumed that it'd be a temporary thing. He'd work for the summer and come back to us. Seth had disappeared the same day, only to turn up a couple of days later in Catalina with a sunburn and a broken dream of sailing to Tahiti. He'd been devastated by what he'd interpreted as Ryan's abandonment. Ryan had stopped calling two weeks after we found Seth.

Teresa's mother has kicked out both kids. I couldn't believe that the woman would put her own religious beliefs over her own child and grandchild. The woman had told me that if Ryan wasn't planning on marrying Teresa that she couldn't support them.

And Ryan is just gone. He hasn't called me, he hasn't called Seth or Marissa.

And I just can't let him disappear, live on the streets. So I'd hired a team of private detectives to find him. I didn't want the cops to find him, I know how he feels about cops. I want to find him. I have to find him first.

And after two months, they've given me this address. On the outskirts of Chino, in a reasonably good neighborhood, the house is registered to a man that has been dead for three years. The PI says that Ryan is dangerous, that he has a reputation. Not my Ryan.

The lawn is well mown and there is an expensive motorcycle parked beside the front porch. I leave my BMW on the street and walk up the sidewalk to the door.

I ring the doorbell. There isn't an immediate response but I can hear movement inside. The door opens slightly, still locked with a chain. I recognize Teresa's face through the slice of opening.

"Mr. Cohen?" She gasps.

"Teresa. Is Ryan here?"

She looks healthy. She's gained weight, her cheeks were rosy with pregnancy and she's cut her hair and streaked it with blonde. She doesn't open the door.

"I'll get him for you…" She closes the door.

She doesn't let me in. What the hell had happened that I'm not even worthy of an invitation?

"I don't know, Ryan, but he's outside and you have to talk to him…" I can hear Teresa inside talking quickly.

"Okay, Teresa. Don't worry."

It has been so long since I've heard his voice. But it is definitely Ryan. I hear the chain slide free and the door opens.

"Ryan."

"Hey, Mr. Cohen," The boy says.

He's become a man since I saw him last. His hair is different, he's clearly dyed it and the sandy blond I am used to is almost platinum. It is shaggy and curtained his eyes. He has a bruise on his face and a new scar stretching across his neck. His clothes are nicer than he wore in Newport but subdued in all black. I try to ignore the bulge in his waistline. It can't be a gun. Not my Ryan.

I pull him into a hug before he can respond. He is stiff but after a moment, I feel him pat my back.

"What the hell happened?" I ask. I won't cry. I have to find out what had happened to the kid that I had come to love as my own.

Ryan glances behind me, up and down the street before gently pulling me inside.

The house is furnished and decorated in a style that would make Julie Cooper proud. Expensive for a kid that had gotten kicked out on the street a couple of months before.

"Hey, Ryan…" A gruff voice calls. I recognize Eddie walking out of one of the side rooms with a fistful of cash.

"Eddie, I'm going to be off the radar a few minutes," Ryan turns to the man.

"Oh. My bad. Sorry…" Eddie quickly puts the money behind his back and backs out of the room.

"What's he doing here?"

"Come upstairs, Sandy. I'll try to explain," Ryan says curtly. I follow him up the stairs and into a small office.

"Ryan…"

"Things have changed, Sandy," He says quietly. I'm chilled by the tone of his voice. He turns to face me and I can see that he doesn't care. He lights a cigarette.

"I talked to Teresa's mother. Why didn't you call me?"

"We took care of it," Ryan replies.

"You took care of it? How the hell did you get this house?"

"It's mine. Mine and Teresa's. Close enough to Chino to be close to family and just far enough that the kid won't have to go to the same shitty school we did," Ryan replies. I hadn't noticed the piercing in his eyebrow or the stud in his tongue.

"Where are you getting the money?"

He lowers his voice. "It's taken care of."

God, what has happened to him? "Ryan…"

"I don't need a lecture. I'm taking care of my family."

"You're a criminal…"

"You don't know anything about this…"

"Why didn't you call us, Ryan? I can help you…"

"I don't need help. I'm taking care of it," Ryan states again.

"How? By being a criminal just like your father?"

I shouldn't have said that but at least I get a reaction out of him. His blue eyes flash with the first real emotion since I'd arrived.

"I had to rely on what I knew, Sandy and this is what I know. I scam cards, I scam pool, I get by. I support my girl and her baby. I'm not ashamed…"

"Then why the lack of contact?"

He lowers his gaze. "I'm not proud either."

"What about Seth?"

"You want him to come and visit me here? Hell no. I have a life here. I can't go back. Ever. This is my life now."

"What the hell is Eddie doing here?"

"He needed some help. He works for me, now," Ryan replies.

"He works for you?"

"Yeah. Sandy, what are you doing here?"

"I told you when you left, that I wasn't letting you go…"

"Too late," Ryan mutters. "It's not your decision. I'm gone."

"I won't let you ruin your life…"

"I'm careful. I can take care of myself…"

"This isn't the way…"

"There is no other way. Not for me," Ryan states flatly.

He is not the boy that I knew. He's changed. Something inside him has died. Kirsten would never forgive herself if she could see him now.

"Ryan…what happened?"

He meets my gaze with a cold stare. "I lost everything, Sandy. Everything. When I came to stay with you, I was in a weird place. I really believed you, that I could belong there, that I could become something…but it was bullshit. You tried, you really did and I'll never forget everything that you did for me…but this is who I am. I was running from myself there, I was trying to be something that I'm not. But it all comes out in the wash. I still ended up getting some girl knocked up and having to come home. Chino's my home…"

"Ryan, that's not true, this isn't you...what about Seth and Marissa?"

"What about them? Marissa, she was just slumming, getting a taste of the wild side, she didn't care about me. And Seth…" Ryan just shakes his head.

"What about Seth?"

"Seth…I always had his back, Sandy…I treated him like he was my own brother…I listened to him, I put his welfare first. Always. And he was the one thing I was sure of, that he'd be there, that he'd stand by me…but he left. He never cared about me, Sandy, it was all about him. I needed him. I needed a friend more than anything and he just left because he was unhappy with my decision. For once, I had to put myself first and he shut me down."

"He's back, Ryan…"

"He was back when I was still calling you. It doesn't matter. This is my life now. I can't care about Seth. I can't care about you or Kirsten. Teresa is my only concern now. I'm sorry."

He's fucking serious. His eyes are dead but serious.

"Ryan…what happened to you?"

"I grew up. Let me walk you out." He stands up and I'm too stunned to argue. I follow him down the stairs.

"Stop that shit, we have fucking company," Ryan snaps. I glance over and see Teresa and Eddie wrapped in each other's arms.

"Sorry, Ryan…" Teresa says.

What was going on in this house? I open my mouth to speak but Ryan's cold gaze stops me.

"Ryan…" Eddie starts.

"Don't you have somewhere to be? Both of you?" Ryan asks coldly.

"Sorry…I'll be back later," Eddie says, backing out of the room.

Ryan turns to me. "You shouldn't come here again."

"I'm not giving up on you…"

"We have a nice place here. Don't make us run. Just leave me the hell alone," Ryan says evenly as he holds open the door.

"Ryan…"

"Just go. Go home to your family."

"You're a part of my family, too…"

"Not anymore." Ryan puts his arm around Teresa. The girl nuzzles her face into his neck as she winds her arms around him. "This is my family now."

I step out of the house and the door closes behind me. I've lost him.

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Something is very wrong with my husband. He'd left at lunch, optimistic about a lead from one of his private investigators and he'd come back looking like he'd lost his best friend. He won't talk to me, he's locked himself in the study and I don't know what to do.

Surely if he'd found Ryan, he'd tell me. We'd both been beside ourselves, we couldn't find him, it was like he just disappeared into thin air but…but I wouldn't give up. We'd gotten Seth back, we'd get Ryan, too.

I knock again.

"Honey, please. Let me in. You have to talk to me…" Something is wrong. Sandy always talks to me, it's what makes me love him so much, he's my rock. And if something has happened to make him lock himself up, it must be bad. It must be catastrophic.

I hear the lock click. The door swings open and I can tell that he'd been crying.

"Sandy, what is it?" I embrace him. "Did you…"

He pulls me inside and locks the door. "You can't tell Seth."

"Okay…" I start.

"And you have to promise me that you won't try and go see him…"

"Sandy, what happened, is he okay?"

"He's not okay, he's…he's not fucking okay, Kirsten…" Sandy's voice is tight with unspoken emotion.

"Tell me. Tell me, Sandy…" I pull him to a seat beside me on his desk. I try to get him to make sense.

"He's…he's changed, Kirsten…I can't even say it…"

"What? Did you talk to him? Is he okay?"

"He has a gun. He's a criminal, Kirsten. He's living in a house with Teresa and Eddie…and they were making out right in front of him and he…he didn't even care…"

What is he talking about? Guns and Ryan…

"He's…it's like he's just gone, Kirsten…he's just…dead…"

"Sandy…"

"You didn't see him…you didn't see his eyes…"

"Sandy, I'm sure…"

"You didn't see him…he didn't even care that I was there…and the way he talked…like…oh God, Kirsten…what am I going to do?"

"We're going to get him back…"

"No. we're not. He's gone…he's just gone…" Sandy is crying.

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"Where's my fucking money?" I slam my fist into his face again. He knows that the money was due today, shit, he's lucky I gave him an extension the last time. This time, he has to pay, one way or the other.

"I'm sorry, man, I have it, I swear…" He gurgles. Maybe I hit him too hard. Nah, there's no such thing.

I hold him by his throat against the wall. "Where is it?"

"Tomorrow…" He chokes.

"Oh, you'll get it 'Western Unioned' to the hospital? Not. Good. Enough." My rings cut his face each time I punch him. My hands have his blood on them. I release him. He falls to the sidewalk in a broken heap.

"Tomorrow, man, I swear…" He chokes.

He's only a couple of years older than me but now he knows. You don't fuck with Ryan Atwood. Not at all.

"I'll be back. You better be ready."

I turn away and leave him on the street. I wipe my hands on the rag I keep tucked in my pocket and climb on my bike.

My bike. It's the one thing left in my life that I actually care about. It takes care of me. It's all I need. I bought it with the first money that I made after bringing Eddie on board. I drive like the wind across town.

Damn, seeing Sandy today fucked my head all up.

I'd walked away from that. From all of it. I had to take care of Teresa. That's my only focus. I have to focus on taking care of my baby. And it was mine. I'd heard from Teresa and Eddie both. Eddie was officially sterile. He'd known for a few years. The kid was mine.

I had looked for a legitimate job but in the end, I had no marketable skills. I could have been a waiter but that's no way to support a kid. So I turned back to the skills I learned from my brother, from my father. I have skills, I've always had them, I just hadn't wanted to use them.

Now I am.

I'm good at what I do. I can get people what they want at a price they can afford. If they don't pay, they pay with bruised and broken bones. I take care of my girl and my baby. I win. I'm a winner.

I don't need a family, I'm self-sufficient.

And I don't care what anyone thinks.

It seems like today is the day for harsh encounters. First fucking Sandy shows up and gets me all twisted up and now I have to make this fucking house call.

She should have paid two weeks ago.

She knows better than to fuck with me but she thinks she's special.

I park the bike outside her shack and walk up. I'd knock but the door looks like it'll fall off it's hinges.

But she heard me pull up. I know she did. I see her nappy blonde hair through the window. I step inside.

She's sitting on a ratty couch with a bottle of vodka in her hand. Her arms were bruised with track marks. But I'm not here to sell her drugs, I'm here to collect. She owes me.

"Ryan…"

"Shut up. Do you have it?" I don't have time to listen to her excuses, I'm on a schedule. I'm hard, I'm cold, I won't let her get to me. I'm ice.

"I swear, I had it…"

"Where is it?"

"Baby, please, I just need a little more time…"

"Dawn, you don't have any more time. I told you that yesterday. So where's my money?" She shrinks away from my voice. She's scared of me. Serves the bitch right. I used to cower from her fists and here she is about to cry because she's scared of me. Karmic.

"Here's all I have…" She shoves a handful of money at me. Its not enough, but it's something. A sign of good faith.

"That's it?" I snap. "You owe me a grand and you give me two hundred dollars?"

"It's all I have…I swear…I'm not lying…" She cries.

I sigh. "All right. But I want the rest."

"I'll get it to you, Ryan..." She whispers.

I know she will. I turn and walk out.

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_"Don't fall down now  
You will never get up  
Don't fall down now"_

I unlock the door to the house and step inside.

"Stop it, Eddie, damn…" Teresa is saying.

I sigh. Every day it's the same damn thing. They're in the living room. Teresa's counting money and Eddie is up to his elbows in our latest delivery of coke. He's in charge of weighing out the bags and cutting the stuff so we can make a profit.

"Hey, Ryan…" Eddie pulls away from Teresa immediately. Teresa straightens her blouse as she stands up and comes over to me.

I know they're still fucking, no matter how much she denies it. She sleeps with me every night, she kisses me every morning but she knows that I don't love her. He does. I can't blame her for turning to him. I don't care. He knows better than to upset her when I'm around. I'm not fucking her, I won't touch her as long as she's still fucking Eddie. I have a little respect left. Not much, but enough.

I can taste him in her mouth when she kisses me. She knows that it doesn't change anything. She wants me to feel guilty for getting laid, for pushing her to Eddie. She's taunting me.

"Hey, baby. How'd everything go?"

I drop the wad of cash onto the table amongst the other bills. "Fine."

"How's your mom?" She whispers in my ear as she nuzzles my neck.

"Fine. I'll be upstairs."

I can't take being around them, not today. Sandy brought back too many fucking memories for me to be able to deal with this dysfunction today.

I can live like this, I don't have a problem with it but I remember what it's like to live in Sandy's world. Where what I'm doing is a crime. Where living like this is sick. I used to have morality, like Sandy, I believed in his world. Fuck him for making me doubt myself. I am what I am. I just got tired of trying to be something I'm not. I'm not a part of Sandy Cohen's world anymore.

I walk into my office and lock the door.

I have become my father. I am living in his world. He'd be fucking proud of me, too. I shake out a small mound of coke and flip open my case. Teresa got it for me. A fucking cigarette case with a mirror hidden inside. Perfect for chopping up lines.

I might not like what I've become, but I can't change it.

I inhale the white powder. Pure and fresh. It's amazing how much better I feel after such a simple act.

I feel better.

I can do this. I'm strong. I'm in total fucking control of my life for the first time.

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My parents are lying to me. They've been lying to me for a week. Something's changed. My dad won't even answer me anymore when I ask him about Ryan. My mom's been crying for days. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, but I have to do something.

Summer is with me. She's still really pissed off about me running off but she's forgiven me, at least. She wants to help me. The only way to help me is to find Ryan.

But I'm getting closer. I raided my Dad's study yesterday. I know he's in Chino. I know he's alive and that's more than I knew yesterday.

Summer and I are in her car on the way to Chino. She wouldn't let me go alone. But I have to see for myself.

I have to see why my parents would keep this a secret. They've been looking for Ryan for months and if they've found him…they should've told me.

"Seth?" Summer calls. The car has stopped, she's pulled over into a fast food restaurant.

"Yeah?"

"Look." She's pointing out the window. We're a few blocks from the address in my Dad's book.

"Is that…"

"It's Chino. Oh my god…it's Ryan…" She's stunned. I see why.

His hair is almost white and he's standing over a crumpled body holding…a gun. Ryan has a gun. Summer cracks the window to see if we can hear anything.

"I told you last week, bitch, that you'd be hearing from me…"

It's Ryan. It's really him. I recognize his voice, but…I don't. he's cold. He's different. He's fucking holding a gun on some kid. I start to get out but Summer grabs my arm.

"Don't. Don't, Seth, please. Just wait."

"I'm sorry, Ryan…here, it's all here…" The kid shoves his wallet at Ryan.

Ryan slides the gun back into his pants, glancing around. He doesn't recognize us. Has it been that long? He doesn't even know us? I don't know him anymore, it seems.

Ryan pulls out several bills and drops the wallet back at the kid's feet. He kicks him and the kid cries out in pain.

"Nice doing business with you," Ryan mutters. He turns his back on us and we watch him take a few steps before climbing onto a motorcycle.

"Oh my god, Seth…" Summer whispers. She's shaking me. "Seth?"

"No. It's not true…"

"Seth…"

"It's not true. Not Ryan. He'd never…he doesn't…he'd never do that…it wasn't him."

"You think that's why your folks didn't tell you?" Summer asks.

My hands are shaking. I pull out my phone. I dial my mother.

"Kirsten Cohen."

"Mom?"

"Seth? Honey, what is it? Where are you?"

"Where's Ryan, Mom? Tell me the truth."

She hesitates.

"Mom. I'm in Chino."

"What? What the hell are you doing there? You have to come home right now…does your father know you're there?"

"No. I…I ransacked his office. I found Ryan's address…"

"Honey, come home right now…things…they aren't as simple as they were, you can't be there, it's not safe…"

"You mean, Ryan's not safe, right?" I knew that she knew. They knew what had happened to Ryan. They hadn't told me.

"I'm taking you home, Seth. I don't want to stay here anymore…" Summer says quietly. She starts the car as I flip my phone closed. I don't need to hear Mom anymore. Ryan's gone.

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I flip open my phone as I walk into the house. The lights are off but I can hear movement upstairs. Teresa and Eddie again. Goddamn it. Sometimes I hate this shit. Listening to her moan through the floor. I can't blame her, though. It's not like I can satisfy her, I won't. I can't even touch her. I won't touch her.

Three new messages. People needing a fix.

I need a fix.

I need to be fixed.

This fucking job has finally got me. I walk up the stairs and past the noisy room. I slam the door to my office and switch on the stereo. Something loud and pounding. I chop up a couple of lines on the desk.

Fucking punks. I bruised my hand on that little punk. He really didn't want to give up the money.

What do I care if he's got kids to feed? He shouldn't have bought that eight ball if he couldn't feed his kids.

I snort the lines and ignore the tentative knock on the door. Teresa can wait. She knows that I'm busy if the door is closed.

"Ryan. It's Eddie."

Fuck. What the hell does he want? I swing the door open.

"Hey, man." He's hesitant. He should be.

"What?"

"Uh, your brother called for you today. He was asking about your ma…"

Fuck.

"Yeah?"

"He was pretty pissed…I promised him I'd tell you."

"Yeah? Well, you told me…"

"There's something else."

"What?" I don't have the patience for him today.

"I went over to Sammy's today and he didn't have what you wanted…" Eddie says quietly.

"Why didn't you call me?"

"I figured that I'd see you…" He starts. I shove him against the wall in the hallway, holding my arm against his throat.

"You didn't want to miss out on fucking Teresa before I got home so you didn't call…" I hiss in his ear.

Eddie couldn't talk, I was pressing too hard. The fear in his eyes gives me a little twinge of joy. I could hurt this punk.

"Ryan…I'm sorry…"

"Ryan?" Teresa's voice lilts from the bedroom.

"She better change those fucking sheets, Eddie. And you better let Sammy know that this is his one free pass," I say as I release him. He gasps for breath.

"Sure thing, Ryan…" He recovers himself as Teresa walks out.

"What's going on?"

Eddie's face is still red and he knows better than to answer her with the truth.

"Nothing." I close the door to my office and lock it behind me. My phone buzzes in my pocket.

"Yeah?"

"Ryan?"

"Who the fuck is this?" I don't have time for name games. Whoever this is should know that. My cell phone is not for public usage.

"It's Sandy, Ryan."

How'd he get this number? I should've known that he wouldn't give up. I'll have to move, we'll have to get out of here. Damn, and I'd finally got things up and running around here…

"Ryan?"

"Yeah. What's up?"

"I want to meet with you."

"I can't. We've said all that needs to be said…"

"No, Ryan. I'm not giving up on you. You need help…"

I hung up the phone and hit the button to block the number. I don't have time for Sandy. Roxie's coming over. I like Roxie. I've missed her. She's just what I need right now.

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"_I ask you for a slow ride  
Going nowhere  
You look like Satan  
You ask me if I want to get high  
Couple of bags down in old town  
You tie your arm and  
Ask me if I wanted to drive…"_

Roxie is a stripper. She doesn't consider herself an exotic dancer, she's just a stripper who likes to get high. And she likes Ryan. She might fall in love with the bastard one day, if she actually let herself care. Not like he cares, but it's something for her to think about.

He's not cute, he's sexy. He oozes danger and sensuality and he touches her in ways that she's only heard about. He's damn good.

She isn't sure what goes on in that house of his, she's never stayed the whole night. He comes to her show, talks to her manager and she gets the night off. He takes her home and fucks her stupid. They snort coke and fuck until they can't form sentences. He doesn't talk much, that's one of the things she likes about him. He doesn't lie to her, he's always made it clear that he just wants the sex. She doesn't mind, she wants it, too.

He's got a girlfriend, a hot brunette, that stares at her in disgust when she comes out of his room but the bitch is too scared of Ryan, she thinks, to challenge her. And if she could keep Ryan happy, then Roxie wouldn't have to come around so much anyway, right?

So Roxie fucks Ryan a few nights a week. She knows that he's serious business, her fucking manager's afraid of the kid but she's not. She likes him. She likes him more every time she sees him. He's angry and violent but he respects her. Everyone respects her when she's on his arm. He won't hurt her. She's seen him get so mad at his girlfriend that he punched a hole in the wall but she knows that he won't hit a woman. That's not his style.

She hasn't figured him out yet. She knows that he's young, but no one will say how young and it doesn't matter in his line of work. He gets things done. He's reliable and trustworthy and vindictive as hell. Nobody knows how old she is, either.

He's waiting for her at the door.

The brunette is in the corner, her lover staring at her with jealously from beside her. It's so fucked up, the girl is obviously smitten with Ryan, her eyes burn for him, but she's always with the other guy that lives here. Ryan doesn't acknowledge either of them when she comes by, he just looks at her. Roxie appreciates it. She doesn't wait for a hello when she steps in, she takes his face in her hands and kisses him deeply. Their tongue piercings clash and she can taste blood as she gets a little overexcited. He smiles at her when she comes up for air.

"Hey, Rox."

"Hey, yourself."

Ryan puts his arm around her bare waist. She dressed up for him today. Black miniskirt, fishnet stockings and dominatrix boots, she's wearing a black bikini top to finish it off. She isn't sure what he's into, but she can tell by his lazy grin that he likes it.

She has her kit with her tonight. She likes piercings and tattoos and has years of experience and he trusts her, for some reason, and lets her decorate him. He's her canvas, she thinks. His flesh is scarred and damaged in places, but she wants to make it beautiful again. She wants his years of pain to disappear under her permanent ink.

She drops the box as they walk into the bedroom. He pushes her against the wall and starts to undress her roughly. She doesn't mind that he hurts her, they hurt each other. She covers the bruises when she dances. Her boss doesn't mind and the makeup keeps the men in the dark.

He takes her fast and hard against the wall but she's satisfied. He always makes her come and he's always safe.

Something's different about him tonight, but she doesn't push him. Once he's sated, she takes him to the bathroom and they wash each other. They return to the bedroom and they both do generous lines of the coke he supplies.

"Lie down," she orders as she wipes the excess powder off her nostril.

He obeys, lying on his back. She gets her kit and crawls on top of him. He starts to sit up and kiss her but she pushes him down again.

"Be still."

"What are you doing?" He asks as he watches her pull out her tools. Alcohol. Clamps. Needle.

"I'm making you beautiful," She replies. He doesn't speak again. She cleans his chest with the alcohol, making sure his nipples are clean. She clamps them but he doesn't complain. He closes his eyes.

"Embrace it, baby…embrace the pain…" She shakes him until he meets her gaze. She sees the pain in his eyes as she slides the needle through his nipple. He doesn't cry out. She removes the syringe and slips in the silver hoop.

"Taste it," He whispers. She smiles at him. She licks the drop of blood off his chest and kisses him with the same motion. He's ready again, now, but she's not finished and she pulls away. She gives him a smile and pierces his other nipple.

"That's sexy, baby…you're sexy…" She says, adjusting her position across him. She remembers the condom, knowing that he would if she forgot. She likes to put it on him, she likes the way he watches her silently. He sits up and they have sex again, slower this time, but just as urgently. She feels his fingers bruising her ass.

"God, Rox…you're killing me…" He moans as he finishes.

"Aw, I wouldn't do that to you…who would play with me, then?" She purrs, digging her nails into his back. He moans as the blood oozes out of his flesh.

She's been hurt, she's been abused and she knows that there's no way around the pain. So she embraces it. Ryan's like her, he knows what life's about and he knows that he's going to get hurt. She's teaching him. He's learning to embrace the pain. He's her kindred spirit.

"I want to give you a tattoo, baby…"

"You want to brand me," He moans, lifting her off him and placing her on the bed.

"I want to make you beautiful," She grins. "Can I make you beautiful?"

He gets off the bed and does another line. He leaves the coke out in case she wants more. His back is smeared with blood from her nails.

"Ryan?"

"You don't think I'm beautiful enough already?" He asks, turning to face her.

"There's no such thing as too much beauty," She grins. He pounces on her, kissing her bare skin. She struggles with him, laughing as she flips him over complacently on his stomach.

"Roxie…"

"Can I, Ryan? Please?" She licks his neck.

"I can't say no to you…" He murmurs.

She grins, settling onto his bare ass. She pulls out her kit. "I've got just the thing for you, baby…"

"What? Since its permanent, do I even get a say?"

She leans over and whispers in his ear. "It's a symbol, boy. Life is pain. But you're smarter than that. You know that life isn't for you anymore. It's all about death now. You're dead inside…and it still hurts, doesn't it?"

He doesn't respond.

"Death is pain, too. Existence is pain, Ryan…you know that, right?"

"I know, Rox…I know…"

He doesn't ask again. It takes her three hours to get it the way she likes it. They take a couple of breaks, to get high and get the sexual tension back to a manageable level. Red ink dripping from the black thorns of a dead rose on his back. Small, simple and painful, she savors the tension in his muscles as the tiny needle stabs him with color.

"Ryan?"

"Are you done?"

"I want you, Ryan…I want you now…"

And they don't need to talk anymore. They're both beautiful now.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Seth. Seth, calm down…" I've never seen my son this upset. Never.

"I will not calm down, Goddammit, you didn't see him…"

"I've seen him, Seth." I had managed to avoid him for the past two days. I've been trying to find a way to bring Ryan back to us. Back to me.

"You…you've talked to him? In person? Dad…"

"Sit down, Seth."

He's devastated. I don't blame him, I know how he feels. "Dad…he's…what the hell happened?"

"Ryan's…he's misguided…he thinks he's doing what's best for his family…"

"We're his family…"

"Teresa is his family…or so he thinks…"

"Tell me everything. I mean it, Dad. I need to know."

I don't want to tell him. I don't want him to know that Ryan's a gun-wielding criminal that won't even talk to me. It took me three days to get his fucking number and he just hung up on me. I can't believe that he doesn't care. I won't believe it.

"Dad?"

"He's living in Chino. He's…he's making money…"

"Summer and I saw him beating this kid up…Dad, it was like…he had a gun and he just didn't care…he didn't even see us, Dad…" Seth's clearly been thinking about this for days.

"Seth, he's…he's changed…" I don't know how to explain this to him, not when I don't understand myself.

"It's only been two months, it's not…it's not right, it's not Ryan…I…there has to be something…" Seth whispers, distraught.

"Seth, I haven't given up…but it's not safe for you to see him, not right now…"

"I know…but Dad…I just don't understand…I mean, its Ryan, he would…he would never hurt anyone…not just out of hate or money…he's not like that…or he used to not be like that…"

"I know, Seth…"

"So what do we do? How can we help him? When you talked to him…what did he say?" Seth asks.

"He…he says that Teresa is his family now. He says that he doesn't care…" I have to be honest, he deserves to know.

"What about me? Did you tell him…"

"Seth…"

"What did he say? Tell me," Seth can tell that I'm hiding something.

I take a deep breath. "He said that he treated you like you were his own brother and that when he really needed you…you left. He said that he really needed you and you left because you were unhappy with his decision…"

Seth's face flickers between hurt and utter devastation.

"Seth…"

"He's right. I just…I couldn't handle losing him and I left…I never thought…I didn't think he needed me…"

"It doesn't change what he's doing or what he's become. I will find him, Seth…and I'll bring him home…"

"It's my fault…" Seth rushes from the room. I don't go after him. He won't be okay until Ryan is home. None of us will.

I can't give up on him. Not after all he's been through, not when I'm the one that let him go. He proved to me that he can be a better man, I won't forget that. I won't let him turn into his father. I can't.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"What the hell did you let her do to you? Oh my god…" Teresa.

"Shut the fuck up…" I mumble into my pillow. God, I'm tired. Strung out.

"There's blood all in the sheets again, Ryan…did she hurt you?"

It's weird that she pretends to care sometimes. She's got her money, she doesn't care about me. The only thing she cares about is making sure that she rubs my face in it every time she fucks Eddie. We both use our bedroom for our lovers, not the guest room, not Eddie's room but the bed that we share.

I don't know when I started to hate Teresa. I guess it's when she told me about Eddie. About how he's sterile and that she's always known.

She's using me. She's using our child.

"Ryan? Answer me!" She shrieks.

I roll over and open my eyes. She knows fucking better than to wake me up. I can't sleep, I never sleep so the fact that she is bothering me right now just pisses me off that much more.

"What the fuck do you want?"

She recoils, hurt in her eyes. Fuck her.

"What did she do to you? She…oh god, you let her pierce your nipples? You're such a freak…" She starts to pelt me with her fists and I grab her wrists.

"Get over it, Teresa…"

"Ryan…" She hisses, still struggling.

Something's different about her. She's…she's fucking high. I release her, shoving her off me with the least amount of force I can manage. I don't want to hurt her. Well, that's a lie, I do want to hurt her, what the hell is she thinking.

"You're fucking high. Teresa…" I get out of bed and turn to face her. "What the fuck…"

"Ryan…I'm not…I swear…"

"You're full of shit." I can't believe she'd jeopardize the health of our unborn child for a fucking rush…

"Ryan, just listen…"

I lean over her, trying to show her how fucking angry I am without touching her. "Teresa. Tell me. Don't fucking lie, just tell me."

She hesitates. I think I actually struck some fear into the little bitch this time. "I…I'm sorry…"

"What? What did you take?"

"I just did a little, it won't hurt…"

I pull her off the bed and to the door. "Eddie!"

He's at the door in an instant. For the first time since he's moved it, I'm really glad he's here.

"Yeah?"

"Take her to the doctor. Don't let her out of your sight."

"What's wrong?" Eddie asks immediately. His eyes darken when he sees my tight grip on her arm.

"She's fucking stoned."

"What? When? I was with you the whole time…" Eddie snaps. Eddie hates drugs, he's never touched them. That's what makes him such a good dealer, the fact that he doesn't dip into his supply, or my supply as it may be. And he cares about Teresa. Something that I can't honestly say anymore. I care about our baby…but she's not the woman I remember. Eddie's a good right hand man for me to have.

"Maybe if you weren't so busy letting that slut stick needles all in you, you'd have a fucking clue as to what the hell is going on around here!" She shrieks suddenly. Eddie takes her from me and I slam the door before she can get back in.

Damn. What the hell is happening? I give her everything, I bring her here, I give her money, I give her a house, I even give her fucking Eddie, docile and obedient and all she can do is get high? What the fuck am I doing all this for?

I cut up a line and snort it. The moment its gone, I have to do another.

Fuck. I'm a junkie. My baby's mom is trying to be a junkie.

What am I doing this for again? Why am I doing this? Is this better?

I do another line.

I have work to do. I can't think about this anymore.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Yeah."

"Hey, baby…can I see you?"

Roxie. I just saw her last night. I'm still recovering.

"I'll try and come by the club tonight…"

"I took the night off…I've got something new for us…a special treat…"

I lean over and check out a ding in the paint of my bike. Fuck. I'll have to take it to the body shop. I love this bike. I should treat it more carefully.

"What kind of treat?" I don't really have time for this.

"A special treat…it's a surprise…but I promise you'll like it…"

Damn.

"Ryan?"

"Okay, Rox. Just stop by. I'll be home later…"

"What if you're not there?"

"Eddie…"

"Your girlfriend's name is Eddie?"

She's funny today. "Tell Eddie that I told you to wait in my office…"

"I've never seen your office…"

I don't think we've ever talked this much before. If she was here, I'd be inside her already.

"Bye, Rox."

I fold the phone closed and put it back in my pocket. I have something I'm supposed to be doing but I can't remember. I'm at a dry cleaner's shop. I have to pick up Teresa's dress. She's supposed to go see her mother tomorrow for church. Try to make amends or something.

I don't think a priest could even save us now.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_"Don't fall down now  
You will never get up  
Don't fall down now…"  
  
_

Roxie ties my arm. She pulls the belt taut around my arm. "You ready?"

I have nothing to lose. She won't hurt me. At least, not without my permission.

She fills the syringe. She focuses on her work. I feel the slight burn as she enriches my blood.

"Wait for me, baby…" She whispers as I close my eyes.

Beautiful. I feel beautiful. I feel good.

She's behind me now, touching me. We're both naked now and she pulls me against her, my back against her chest. We're both beautiful.

"I'm going to do something I've never done before with you…" She coos in my ear. I close my eyes. Her skin is hot against mine.

I moan my response as her nails rake across my stomach. I hope she doesn't make me bleed but…the pain's such a welcome change that…I kind of hope she does…any sensation is a welcome one these days. Her nails burn trails across my stomach.

"I'm going to ask you what's on your mind…" She whispers.

The drugs. It has to be the drugs because I feel like I'm flying. I'm on fire and I'm fucking soaring. I see sparks.

"Ryan?"

"Yeah?"

"I want you to talk to me…"

I roll over and hold myself above her. She's serious. She's on fire, too. We sparkle. I relax and she holds me, allowing me to lie on top of her.

She touches my face.

"Where do you come from, Rox?"

"Where do I come from?"

"What made you…this? Where'd you come from?" I really want to know.

"Hell…" She answers. "And I never left." She pushes me off her onto my back.

I'm not flying now. I'm floating. I'm burning slowly, not flaming anymore. I just burn. She straddles me, her eyes sparkling as she touches my face.

I look into her eyes. We come from the same place, I can feel it. "Hell, Rox. I came from hell, too…but…but I got out…for a little while…"

"Tell me…" She's got my arms pinned by her knees and I can't move.

"I had a life…not this…a good life…"

"Were you happy?" She purrs.

"Yeah…" I'm honest tonight. For the moment. As I'm burning.

"Then what are you doing here?" She's rubbing my head now, her fingers massaging my scalp and I still can't move my arms.

I open my mouth to answer her but she puts her hand across my lips. I take her fingers in my mouth.

"I know why you're here…back in hell…you think you belong here…it's all you know…you can't be happy…you don't deserve anything else…"

I break free and pull her face to mine. I need to taste her. I need to connect. I know her. I've known her forever.

She's panting when she pulls away.

"Why? If you were happy there, then why?"

"Because…"

"Because why?"

"Because…I have responsibilities here…"

"Name one…"

"Teresa…"

"That bitch? You don't love her…" She moans in my mouth as I kiss her words away.

"She's carrying my child…" I whisper.

Roxie is still when I open my eyes. She smiles at me strangely.

"What?"

"Your child? You're here because…"

"I'm going to provide the life for it that I didn't have…"

"I never figured you for a stand-up guy…I mean…I thought…I don't get you, kid…"

"Oh, I'm a kid now?" I flip her off and she squeals as I tickle her.

I've never heard her giggle before.

She kisses me impulsively. She starts kissing me all over. She takes my face roughly and bites my lip as she kisses me harder. "I'd hate to see you happy…you're so beautiful in pain…"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, I'm here. Sandy's failed. Seth's too upset to even try, it's like he's scared. But I'm not scared. I know that Ryan would never hurt me. So now it's my turn. But I'm not going to Ryan first. I knock.

There's a slight sound and finally, the door opens. Teresa looks at me, surprised.

"Teresa. You look well." And she does. She's healthy and almost round.

"Mrs. Cohen."

"I'm coming in. We have to talk."

"Ryan's not here." I know she's lying. His bike's here.

"Ryan won't talk to us. So I'm here to talk to you."

She stares at me.

"You can't have him. You know he doesn't belong here."

"I think you should go," She says.

I grab her arm before she can close the door. "You're killing him."

She knows I'm right, I can see it.

"I respect you Mrs. Cohen…"

"I love him. You have to let him go. You let him come home to us and I swear, you will never want for anything…"

Her eyes flash and I see that I've made a mistake. She doesn't want money. She loves him. She's not going to give him up, not after…

"You did this. You planned all of it, didn't you?" I can't stop myself from slapping her, the truth's all over her face.

"Bitch…" She hisses, lunging for me. I take a step back.

"Hey, hey…stop it…" Eddie pulls her away from me.

That fucking little tramp. She's ruining his life.

"Teresa, chill…Ryan will have your ass if you touch his lady…"

I can't process his words. "Do you hate him Teresa? Is that why you did this?"

"I love him!" She yells at me as Eddie struggles to hold her at bay.

"Ryan! Ryan, get down here, man!" Eddie yells.

I hear a door slam. It's him. It's Ryan.

Except he's not the Ryan I know. He's shirtless and his jeans are unbuttoned. There's a black tattoo twisting around his left arm and over his shoulder stopping at the base of his neck. His chest is splattered with dried blood from the scratches marring his skin.

As he makes it to the base of the stairs I can see that he's not himself. He's stoned. Ryan…oh god…what has she done to him?

"What are you doing here?" He asks me.

"I came for you…"

"Ryan, she attacked me," Teresa says, still in Eddie's grasp.

Ryan's blue eyes are glazed and cold. It's almost like he's inconvenienced to see me. He glances between me and Teresa before turning to Eddie.

"What happened?"

Eddie doesn't even regard the struggling woman in his arms as he answers Ryan. "I just saw Teresa go after your lady…"

His lady? Is that what I am to Ryan? Is that what he's told this boy about me?

"Get her out of here, she's a fucking bitch…" Teresa says.

"Shut the fuck up, Teresa." He's cold and serious. I don't recognize him. But Teresa shuts up, stricken dumb by his order.

"Ryan…" I start.

He glances at me but won't keep my gaze. I don't know what kind of drugs he's on but he's definitely not lucid.

"Come upstairs," He says finally.

"Ry? You've got someone up there, dude…" Eddie says.

"Fuck," Ryan says, and he holds out his hand to stop me from coming inside.

Teresa and Eddie. Ryan's scratches and a mystery guest upstairs. I won't let myself think about the dysfunction. I want my Ryan. I want to see something in his blue eyes that's my Ryan.

"Please. Just talk to me."

He glances at me. He steps outside and closes the door behind him.

"Ryan…"

"I would never hurt you, Kirsten, not intentionally," He says evenly. Emotionlessly. "I never wanted you to see this."

"You can't raise a child like this. Not here. You know that. This is not the place for a child…"

"I will love the baby, so will Teresa…"

"Like she loves you? Will you treat the baby like you treat Teresa?"

"No…"

"You can't raise a baby if the only thing you know how to feel is anger and hate. This money, it means nothing, Ryan, if the child never sees love or happiness, if the child doesn't experience love from his parents and between his parents…"

He looks like I've slapped him. But for a moment, I see something. He hears me. He's listening.

"Please tell me that you know that this is wrong…" He's cold when I put my hands on his cheek, his skin is actually colder than the air. "This is not the way. There are other ways…"

He flinches suddenly, stepping back. The flash of emotion disappears. "I can't. I can't go back…"

"Yes, you can…oh god, Ryan, yes you can…" I don't care about the drugs. I don't care about the tattoos or the guns, I just want him to come home…

"Look at me! I am not the boy you knew," He snaps. He holds out his arms, I see fresh bruises on his inner elbows. He's shooting up. "I can never come back…it's too late. It's over. Go home."

"Let me help you…"

"It's fucking over." He turns and leaves me on the porch, slamming the door in my face.

It's not over. I know he listened. I saw the comprehension in his dead eyes. There's hope. It's not over.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Ryan? Ryan, man, I have to talk to you." He knocks loudly. Everything's loud today, though. My drugs are out of balance.

"It's open, Eddie."

He steps inside. His gaze flickers across Roxie but her eyes are closed.

"What's up?"

"Man…I know you hate me…and the feeling's pretty fucking mutual right now…but you deserve to know what I just heard."

"What?"

"I heard Teresa on the phone."

"Yeah? So?" I'm too tired for this.

"So…when did you fuck her?"

"What the fuck, Eddie?"

"Because I don't think her kid is yours…I can't wrap my head around it…she's five months pregnant…she was fucking Johnny back then…"

"Johnny?"

"Yeah, she cheated on me with him before you, he's a Puerto Rican from a couple of blocks away from us…" Eddie says. He really seems upset. "She's lying to you. To both of us."

"Eddie…" I don't know what to say. I don't know how I feel. This is…damn.

"It's just…it's fucked up…because you're an ass…but I know that she made you like this, she fucked you, man…" He shakes his head and walks out.

"Ryan?" Roxie is looking at me.

"Yeah?"

"Let's get high."

"Whatever you say…"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_"Last thing I recall  
I was in the air  
I woke up on the street  
crawling with my strawberry burns  
ten long years in a straight line  
they fall like water…"_

Roxie knows that she made a mistake. Ryan's twitching in the backseat , blood running from his nose.

She'd known something was wrong but she didn't think…she didn't think.

Eddie, it seems, actually gives a shit. She had screamed when Ryan went limp in her arms and he had come immediately. He'd carried Ryan to the car and shoved clothes, cash and a phone in her hands.

He parks outside the ER. She turns to look at him. He sighs.

"Don't give them an address. Don't tell them anything. Not even his name. Tell them that you don't know him or where you got the drugs."

She's recovered enough now, she knows. She's been on her own long enough to know the drill. Eddie waits until she gets Ryan in her arms and on the sidewalk before pulling away.

The doctors take him from her. She doesn't go in with him, she doesn't want to see him bleed, not like this, not like he's dying.

Not after he's told her that he was happy once.

He's tasted happiness and he gave it up for a child that isn't even his. That girl is the reason for Ryan's pain and misery.

And Roxie branded him.

She sits down on the sidewalk. She has his phone. Eddie had given it to her with the cash.

She doesn't know Ryan well enough to take care of him.

She opens the phone. She scrolls down his contact list. It's sorted into business and personal. She clicks personal.

She doesn't even know Ryan's last name. Her hands shake. She shouldn't do this. She doesn't know him like this, but he shouldn't be here alone.

She wishes she could go back to the time when he was just another fuck, just another lost soul, but she…she spent the night.

He shouldn't be here alone.

There are only four listings. Seth. Kirsten. Sandy. Boy. Girl. Either. The last one simply reads 'Home'.

Somehow she knows that it's not Teresa's number.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hello?"

"Hello?"

"This is Sandy, can I help you?" I'm too tired to try and figure out the caller. Kirsten's enthusiasm over her recent attempt at communication with Ryan has not lifted my spirits. She's misleading herself.

"Do you know a kid named Ryan? Fuck, he might not even be a kid…" She murmurs distantly.

Oh god. "He is a kid. And I do know him, who is this?" It's a girl. I can tell that much, but her voice is slurred and I don't recognize her.

"I'm a friend…or something…are you his dad?"

"No…not biologically…but he's my son…"

"This is a bad idea…"

"Please…don't hang up…is he okay?" I can't tell if she's worried or high or angry, I can't tell.

"Do you care?"

"Yes…who is this?"

"Roxie…it doesn't matter…do you…can you help him? I mean…"

"Roxie? What's wrong? Is he all right? Did he tell you to call me?"

"Hell no, he's all fucked up…I mean…he hit the stuff a little too hard and…that Eddie kid gave me some cash and Ry's phone…"

I can't process her words. She's clearly fucked up and struggling to get her thoughts in order. Where is he?

"Mister?"

"Where are you?"

"The hospital…close to Ry's house…you know where he lives?"

"Yes, I'm coming…"

"I just…wanted someone here for him…I can't help him, I can't make him okay but…he said he was happy once…and I believe him…"

"Roxie? I'm coming. Thank you for calling…"

"I just called 'home'. But I'm not telling him that you're coming. Because you could be lying…I don't trust that somebody might actually give a shit…" The phone goes dead.

"Kirsten."

She rushes from the kitchen and comes to my side. "Sandy, what…"

"It's Ryan. Some girl, some 'Roxie', says he's at the hospital."

"Let's go. I'll drive."

I can't move.

Seth appears in front of me. "No. Both of you are about to break down. Let's go. I'm driving." He's right. I'm crying.

Ryan. Hospital. Drugs. Hospital.

"Come on, Dad…"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not floating. I'm not flying. I'm choking. I'm coughing. The air's too thin, it's not enough and I'm choking…

"Turn him, he's going to vomit…"

There's a pail or something there but I'm dizzy and sick. My body is suffocating, I'm dying and all I can do is throw up.

"Kid…Ryan? Ryan, stay with us…"

How the fuck does he know my name…

There's nothing in my stomach so I suck in as much oxygen as I can as my body is flipped again. I see people over me. They're moving fast as hell.

"Did you take some drugs, Ryan? Cocaine? Heroin?"

Voices. Fucking questions. Doesn't he know? It doesn't matter. It's over. Teresa and the baby. Newport. It's all over.

"Ryan, come on…"

It's over and I'm going back to sleep. If I don't choke first.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Roxie?"

Mom and Dad are inside yelling at nurses. I saw the girl from the car. She's beautiful but oddly out of place. Her makeup is smeared and she's barefoot in a pair of men's jeans and a wife beater. I guess Ryan hasn't changed that much fashion wise. She's sitting on the curb.

"Who the fuck is asking?"

Her piercings and attitude definitely fit Mom and Dad's more recent descriptions of Ryan.

"I'm Seth."

"So?"

"You called my dad about Ryan. You know Ryan, right?" I'm not sure how to talk to her. She's got this distant, disoriented look in her eyes. She's fucked up.

"Yeah…I was with him…before we came here…"

"Are you his girlfriend?"

"Look, kid…" She stands up and lights a cigarette. She's shaking. "I don't know Ryan like that. I know where he lives and how he fucks, that's it."

"Oh." At least she's honest. "But you…"

"I fucking stayed the night…" She mutters. I don't think she's talking to me anymore. "And we got high and fucking actually had a conversation…and goddammit…I'm attached to the fucker…"

"What happened to him?"

She meets my gaze for a second before looking away. "So he stays with this bitch, Teresa, and this guy Eddie. And Ry says to me last night, he says that he's only here because Teresa is having his baby and he wants to provide for it…anyway, a little while ago, the guy, Eddie, comes in and tells Ry that the bitch is lying and that the kid's not Ryan's…"

The girl is talking fast and it takes a second but I understand. Oh god…

"So I wanted to make him better, I wanted him to be normal again and get high but…but he just did so much…"

He's lost everything. His pride. His security. He's lost his purpose.

I have to do something. I have to give Ryan something to hold onto. I have to be his friend. He's always done it for me.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Seth? Seth, are you out here?" I call. I see him. He's sitting on the sidewalk beside someone I don't recognize. He gets up and brings the stranger with him

"Mom, this is Roxie…" Seth says quietly.

God. She's a voluptuous girl pretending to be a woman in Ryan's clothes. She's got the same dead look in her dark eyes. And she's stoned.

"Roxie. I'm Kirsten."

"Is he okay?"

"He's not okay. He's on drugs and the doctors are still working on him. Are you the one that scratched him up?"

"You don't know me…" She snaps

"Ryan's my son…" I retort.

"Then what the hell is he doing here?"

She's right. He's not my son. My son wouldn't be here, not like this…"

"I'm sorry," She says suddenly. "I'm fucked up, I'm sorry, I know why he's here…"

"Roxie says that Eddie told Ryan that the baby's not his. That's why…why he went overboard…" Seth says quietly.

"What?" I don't understand.

"The kid's not Ryan," Roxie says. "And that Eddie guy, he was pretty fucking positive."

"That bitch…" I can't believe it.

"Mom?" Seth gasps.

Teresa. If she were here, I'd strangle her. She did this. She took Ryan, she took him from us and the she took everything from him…

"Mom…" Seth has taken my arm.

"I have to go. Will you give Ry these?" Roxie shoves a cell phone and a wad of cash into my hands.

"You're not going to stay?" Seth asks her.

"I have to go, he knows how to find me…" She runs off before we can stop her.

"Mom…"

"The doctor's won't let us see him."

"They were speedballing," Seth says quietly. He shouldn't have to learn about this world, this stuff, he should never know. "She told me. Mixing coke and heroin. She said he'd never shot up before yesterday…he'd never done heroin before…that's…that's good, right?"

"Nothing is good about this."

"Are you okay?"

"Go find your father. I need to make a phone call."

"Mom…"

"Just go. I'll be right in."

He's confused and hurt and worried but he's not my main concern right now. I have to save Ryan. I dial the number with Ryan's phone.

Ryan is coming home.

He'll have to. I'm not giving him a choice.

"Police."

"There's a house on 421 Whitfield Street. My son says that the couple that lives there is selling drugs."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I have no idea how to deal with this. Are you listening? I mean, I've fucked up before but…this is the biggest mistake I've ever made…I fucking left you…"

He goes on but I tune him out. I won't open my eyes. Seth can't be here. Where the fuck is here?

My wrists are sore. I must've put up a fight. And lost.

"Dude, I just want you to be okay…I'll fix it…I'll do anything, I'll go to rehab with you, I'll give you everything I own, I'll let you beat the shit out of me, anything…I'll do anything if you'll just…"

He stops talking. I can hear him breathing.

"Please…"

He's crying.

I have to tune him out. I can't hear this. He doesn't know me…he doesn't know what I've done…

"Please, Ryan, please give me another chance, give yourself another chance, don't do this…you're not supposed to be here…this is just wrong…"

I can't just lie here, I have to see where I am so I can get out. I have to face him.

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

"Ryan…"

He looks exactly the same. Funky t-shirt, khaki shorts. I don't look in his eyes.

I'm in a fucking hospital. Strapped down. Trapped.

"Ryan?"

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

"You overdosed."

Fuck. No. I'm in control…

"Roxie said…"

"What the fuck do you know about Roxie?" I have to be harsh. He can't stay. I can't take it. He has to leave.

"Don't yell at me," He says quietly.

"Get the fuck out." I don't yell.

"You can't make me leave."

I won't look at him. He's standing up now, leaning over the bed, trying to look me in the eyes. I close my eyes.

"I've never had a brother and I'll be damned if I'll lose you…"

"Fuck you, I'm not your brother…"

"Yes, you are, Ryan, you're my only fucking brother and even if you fucking hate me, I'm still going to be your brother…"

"Fuck. You." I open my eyes and try to show him that I mean it.

"Okay, that's a start. At least you're looking at me."

"Untie me."

He shakes his head. He's sad. It's like I'm dead. I wish I was dead. I'm the cause of that look on his face. If I were dead, I wouldn't have to see it.

"I can't let you go, I won't…"

"Fuck. You."

"We've established that already," He replies quietly.

"You don't seem to be getting the point. I don't want you here."

"It's not about what you want anymore." Sandy walks in with Kirsten. God. I'm in hell.

"It's over," She says quietly.

I'd said the same words to her earlier. I have to try and get out of here. There's an IV in my hand and my wrists are already bruised and raw from the straps.

"You're going to get some help…" Sandy says. His voice is shaking.

"I don't want your help."

"It's not about what you want anymore, Ryan. It's about what you need."

What do I do, I'm fucking strapped to a bed in a hospital and there's nothing to do, nowhere to go…

"Ryan. We love you. We're going to take care of you."

No. No. No.

"You have a problem…"

"It's not your problem, I'm not your fucking problem…"

"You're not our problem, Ryan, you're a member of our family…" Kirsten says.

"You can't walk away from this family, you don't get a take back…" Sandy echoes.

"I'm not family, you don't even know me…"

"You're wrong, we do know you, you're the one's that forgotten…this isn't you," Seth whispers.

"You don't know me…" I hiss the words. I have to make him believe it.

Seth sees through me for an instant and his brown eyes flash. Oh shit, he can see through me, he can see…

No.

"You are not beyond redemptions, I know you, I know you…" He starts.

"Fuck you, you don't know me…"

"I've watched you sacrifice yourself over and over for the people you love, you've given up every shred of happiness and self-respect to help people that don't give a shit about you…I know you, Ryan…" Seth is leaning over me. He steps back in surprised. Fear. I taste blood.

"Call the nurse, Sandy…" Kirsten says as she leans over with a tissue. She brings it to my face.

I turn away instinctively but there's nowhere to go. She presses it against my nose. Blood.

"It's just a nosebleed, Seth," She says to her son.

The blood sickens me. I'm sick. I'm so fucking sick. I can't stop my stomach from emptying, I can barely move my head to try and empty my mouth. I'm heavy and the vomit is weighing me down.

I can feel them, watching, as I strain against the straps. God, I'm on display, I'm disgusting, I'm strapped down, fucking helpless, trapped in a puddle of my own vomit.

I'm so sick.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_"Yes, I guess I fucked up again  
Don't fall down now  
You will never get up  
Don't fall down now"_

It's not like in that movie _Trainspotting_. I don't see dead babies. That would be a treat. I see much worse.

I feel like I'm dying but I don't see my past flashing before my eyes, I see my future.

I see my mother bleeding from my fists. Her thin pale skin breaks into blood.

I see Kirsten crying while the handcuffs chafe my wrists as the cops take me out of the courtroom.

I see Seth and Sandy cowering in a puddle of glass in the poolhouse and it's so vivid that I can feel the cold steel of my gun in my hand.

"Ryan…Ryan…"

It's not real. I'm so tired, I'm dreaming. I've been in this hell forever. There's no escape, there's no relief.

"Ryan. Ryan, look at me…"

Kirsten's shaking me. I'm shaking, I'm nauseous, I'm sweaty and freezing and she's shaking me. Can't she see that I'm already shaking?

"Ryan…"

I manage to meet her gaze. My eyes hurt. I'm too tired to close them.

"Honey, can you get up?" I didn't realize I was down. I'm in the bathroom of this hell. I've been sick forever.

She's nice. Gentle. I don't deserve it.

"Ryan, can you get up?"

I wrap my arms around my knees.

"Honey…"

"Stop…" My throat's sore. I can't take her kindness. She's killing me.

"Ryan…"

"Leave me alone…" I can't see her, she's not here. She's pulling at my arms and I'm too weak to stop her.

"Please don't push me away…you're safe…I just want to help you…"

"I don't deserve it…" I don't mean to say it out loud but I can't stop in time and now all I see is her face. Her eyes.

And I know I'm in hell. She can see me, all my sins, all that I've done, she can see into my black soul. She's so good and I'm dirt, I'm tainted. She should hate me, she can see.

She's got her arms around me.

"You deserve so much more than this…"

She's crying. I made her cry.

I have to get away. I can't take this, I can't do this.

"No…" I try to push her away. "Why are you doing this…"

"Because I love you…I want to help you…"

I don't deserve it. Her love. Her worry. Her tears. I'm not good, I'm not worth it, I've ruined it now. I can't go back, I can't be good again, not now.

"I'm poison." I'm channeling Roxie now. "I deserve this hell, I earned it…." I won't hear anything else. I turn away from her and draw my knees up again. I bury my head and wrap my aching arms around my legs. I can't be touched. I can't be saved.


	2. 2

"Hello?"

"Summer, it's me."

"Cohen, what the hell? Are you okay? Is everything okay?"

"Mom and Dad are still taking shifts with him," Seth says. "I'm sorry I didn't call…"

""What the fuck, Cohen? It's been 3 days, please give me more than that." I'm hurt that he didn't call. I can't believe after all we've been through this summer that he'd just forget to call.

"It's Ryan." And I understand. He's so worried about Chino. He hasn't been the same since he glimpsed him all thugged out a few weeks ago.

"Okay."

"He o.d.'d."

"What?"

"He's…he's so fucked up…it's so fucked up…" He whispers. He sounds so sad.

"Where are you, baby?"

"I'm home. To get some things."

"I'll be right there."

I make it to his house in ten minutes. He's waiting by the Range Rover. "I'm driving." I don't even turn off my engine.

"Summer." He looks beaten. His eyes are glazed with exhaustion and worry. Pain.

"I'm rested. Let me drive."

He gets into my car and gives me tired directions.

I let him be silent, I can tell that this is the biggest thing that's ever happened to him. It's unnerving for him to be this silent.

"Seth? What's going on?"

He sighs.

"I don't know what to do if I don't know what's happened…"

"Ryan…he's hooked on drugs…"

"Oh my god…"

"I better start over. There's this chick, Roxie, and she called Dad, just on a whim, she was so stoned, Summer…but something made her call Dad when he o.d.'d…and she says that Ryan had just started using heroin and the coke…"

"Slow down, Cohen…" I can't believe Chino would use drugs. It's totally unlike him.

"Yeah…anyway…Ryan was upset because Eddie told him that Teresa's baby isn't his…"

"Not Eddie's?"

"The kid's not Ryan's…"

I don't know what to say. This is so twisted.

"She's known and Mom just flipped out, she reported the house and got them arrested…"

"What house?" I'm trying to follow.

"Ryan's house, he lived with Eddie and Teresa…it's fucked up…"

"Seth. How is he?"

"He's detoxing…he's…he's so messed up, Summer…"

"I'm so sorry…" I have no words for him. I squeeze his hand.

"He's so angry…mean…I can't…I don't even recognize him…he hates us…"

He doesn't hate you…"

"Mom and Dad won't even let me see him…"

"Seth…"

"It's like…he won't stop fighting us…even though he's got nowhere else to go…"

"God, Seth, I'm sure he's just really messed up right now, he's going to come around…" I wish I believed it.

----

"Doctor?"

"Mr. and Mrs. Cohen. Sorry for the wait."

"How is he?"

"He's sleeping. He's exhausted but I think the worst of the withdrawal is behind him. The nurses tell me that you stayed with him."

I answer before Sandy can. "Yes. He shouldn't be alone."

The doctor gives us a sympathetic look. He must pity us with a junkie runaway son. He must think we're awful parents.

"Ryan…when's the last time you saw him eat?"

"He hasn't lived with us for a few months…"

"Before that…did he have many stomach problems? Did he eat?"

"Of course." Does he think we'd starve him?

"He has an ulcer. Probably stress related."

"Is it recent?"

"No. It's probably been bothering him for years."

"God…" He's so sick and I didn't know, I had no idea. I believed that he was okay, that he could do this all alone.

"Now that he's physically on the mend…has Ryan ever attempted suicide?"

"No, never…" Sandy says immediately. "This is all…just wrong…"

The doctor doesn't understand. He's never seen my Ryan, our Ryan.

"I appreciate that Ryan was a good kid…"

"He's still a good kid…"

"He has a serious drug problem. He's depressed, violent and I think he's a danger to himself."

"Doctor…he's going through a rough time…" Sandy starts.

"What do you suggest, Doctor? He's not our biological child, he spent a year with us and we love him like our own…what are we supposed to do? I won't have him locked away…he's not a bad kid, he's just stubborn and he's lost…he's so lost…" Sandy puts his arm around me. I need him.

"I think we should keep him a couple of days. We'll get some psych consults, a family counselor and then we'll talk again. But I recommend that now his system is clean…that we leave the restraints on."

"He's not an animal…"

The doctor gives me a patient look. "I know this is hard. But I think that Ryan is a suicide risk. He's hit rock bottom. I know that you want him to know that you love him, but to him…it's like he's failed, he's having to face you after thoroughly ruining his own life…"

He's right.

"I think he should stay," Sandy says. "But the restraints…"

"Temporarily. We'll go hour to hour, okay? We're going to monitor him closely."

Sandy embraces me once the doctor leaves us.

"He's going to be okay…"

"I know…" Sandy whispers.

"He has to be…"

---------

It's quiet. Someone's snoring. Seth.

I'm strapped down again.

I'm sober. God. Hell.

"Do you want some coffee?" Kirsten whispers.

"Sure," Sandy replies.

"I need to walk."

"Can I come with you?" Summer's voice surprises me.

"Thank you, Summer."

I hear the door close. That leaves Sandy and Seth. I don't want this.

"Ryan?" Sandy says my name tentatively..

I don't want this. I can't do this.

"Ryan, are you awake?" He's so worried. He sounds so tired.

I open my eyes and see him sitting beside me. Seth is sleeping on a small cot a few feet away.

He's not mad. He should be. He should be trying to lock me away. He shouldn't care.

"How do you feel?" He asks.

"Shitty."

He seems upset that I'm in restraints. He keeps glancing from my face to my wrists.

"Why can't you let me go?" My voice is hoarse.

"The doctors want to make sure…"

"Not the straps. I don't give a fuck about the straps. Why don't you go? Why can't you leave?"

"Because I love you."

"You don't even know me."

"Yes, I do…"

"You don't know the things I've done…"

"It doesn't matter, none of that matters…"

But it does. I can't look at him. I crossed a line and there's no going back.

"Ryan. I don't care what you've done. I know that you are a good kid…thing just got out of control and you…"

"I knew exactly what I was doing…"

"Ryan…"

"I made my choice…"

"It was the wrong choice," Seth says.

"I can't take any of it back. It's done." I can't go back to the shiny world of Newport and their perfect little family.

"It's in the past. It's done. Now you come home."

"I don't have a home anymore. I gave that up…I can't…just leave…"

"You have nowhere else to go. Eddie and Teresa are in jail. You have to move on and get over this…"

I close my eyes. They had Teresa and Eddie arrested. Oh god.

"We want to help you…"

I can't listen. I tune him out. It doesn't matter.

"Ryan." He shakes me and I have to look at him. "You will get through this. You have to let us help you. Please…"

"Stop…"

"Ryan…"

"Just stop…" I want him to go. I need him to go. Can't he see that he's killing me?

"Ryan, I'm not leaving."

"You're our family," Seth calls. "Remember when we got Hailey from that club? We couldn't leave LA without her and we're not leaving Chino without you."

I close my eyes and turn my face away. I want to be cold. Indifferent. Hard.

But I have nothing left to fight for. I have nothing. Nothing except my sins.

------

"Hey, mom."

She looks better now that she's rested. Summer had sat with her while she slept a few hours in our hotel room.

She hugs me. "How are you?"

"I'm okay. The second shrink is meeting with Ryan now." The first one was a drug counselor. This one was supposed to try and figure out why he's so fucked up.

"I know this is hard for you…" She starts.

"If I had stayed, given him some support…"

"Seth. This isn't your fault. Ryan…he's troubled…."

"But he's always had his baggage, mom…"

"Teresa tricked him. He's a survivor. He did what he thought he had to do to survive. I don't think he knows how to ask for help…"

"He's asked me before…for help…he trusted me and…I was supposed to have his back…"

"You have it now. We have to stick by him. We have to prove to him that we're not giving up on him."

"I know." I know. But it's so hard.

"I know it's hard." She can read me. "But we can't give up…"

"I'm not giving up…but…I just wish he'd give us something to show us that…that he's still in there…"

She embraces me again. My mom's not even a hugger. She loves Ryan, too.

"Mom…"

"He's still in there, Seth…"

I believe her. I believe that he's still in there. I just wish I could see it.

----

"Ryan. I know how hard it was for you to talk to me." This doctor was a thin young woman with eyes like Kirsten's. And I was too tired to fight her. I had actually talked to her. Told her just enough to make her understand.

I am a criminal. I can't go back to the Cohen, I won't bring this into their life. I couldn't take their charity, I can't let them fix this. I earned this.

I'm so tired of being angry. I'd love to just give in and let the Cohens take me back…

But I can't.

I can't.

"Ryan?"

"Yeah?"

"If I take off the restraints…can I trust that you won't try to run or hurt yourself?"

"Yeah…"

She gently releases my wrists and ankles from the restraints.

It's interesting. I'm numb but this small change is nice.

"Ryan. The Cohens…they're not going to go away. They care about you. You care about them, don't you?"

I rub my wrists. They're bruised. I've always bruised easily, but the past few months, they take forever to fade. I'm shaking.

They're my medals. My proof of life.

"I think you should talk to them."

I nod and it seems to satisfy her.

"I'll be back in a couple of hours. Will you be here?"

"I'll try."

"Okay. That's all I can ask." She gives me a smile that I can't return.

She leaves and I take the moment of solitude to stretch my stiff muscles. I swing my legs over the edge of the bed. My muscles are weak but I have to use the bathroom. I stagger a little and have to support myself with the wall. I make sure not to rip out the i.v. as I pull it behind me.

When I emerge from the bathroom, Sandy is sitting by the bed. He stands up but I make it to the bed unaided.

"The doctor said…"

"Sandy," I sigh before he continues.

"It's nice to see you lucid."

"Wish it felt nice," I mutter.

"You okay?" He asks. He's so concerned.

"I'm intact."

He doesn't speak again until I sit down on the bed. I rearrange the i.v.

"So. Are you still angry at me?"

"Why would I be angry at you?" I'm not angry at him. I could never be angry at Sandy. He gave me my one taste of a real life. He showed me that happiness does exist. I'm the one that ruined it.

"You…I'm sorry. I don't really know what to say to you."

"Sandy Cohen at a loss for words? Unbelievable."

He smiles but I can't. I lower my gaze. I never wanted this. Another rescue. Another disappointment. He doesn't deserve this.

"I know you've been talking all day. But will you…can you talk to me?"

I should have known.

"We can take a walk. You can have a cigarette before Kirsten comes back."

Cigarettes. First, I'm freed from the straps and now he's offering me a cigarette.

"Come on. You've been strapped down for days."

He's right. A cigarette and getting out of this room would be nice.

"Ryan?"

"Okay." I replace the i.v. on the portable stand and when I stand up, Sandy is beside me. I don't lean on him, I use the stand to support myself.

It's a short walk to the secluded smoking area. I must be in the psych ward because only patients are in the small garden.

Sandy hands me a pack of cigarettes. Unopened. "That's your brand, right?"

I wonder how he knows my brand but I don't ask. I light a cigarette with a shaking hand. The fresh air and the nicotine make me dizzy so I sit down before Sandy can see it.

"Thanks." I have to say it and I mean it. The cigarette is a blessing. I didn't believe it was possible, but it makes me feel better. Normal. Even if it's not enough, it's something.

Sandy is relieved. The familiar optimism is in his eyes again. Something I've done has given him hope. I've made a mistake.

"Ryan…can you tell me what happened?"

"What happened? What the hell does that mean?" My life's a fucking narrative now, it has to be summed up in 100 words or less. I can't tell him. I can't summarize this wreck.

"You left Newport. You were staying with Teresa and her mom."

I sigh. I inhale the smoke. I owe him an explanation. I won't make excuses, there is no excuse, but I owe him an explanation.

"Ryan…"

"Eva kicked us out. Said if we wouldn't get married that she didn't want a bastard in her house." I keep my voice as level as I can. "I'd put in so many fucking applications…I got rejected every time. My record kept me out of the legit places and Dawn and Trey had fucked over every other place, and my name was enough to keep me out."

"Okay." He's listening.

"So I started scamming cards. Got some money saved up. Dawn introduced me to her dealer. I had the capital and I started selling…"

"Selling what?"

"Whatever you need," I reply automatically.

He nods, his eyes lowered. Good. I'm not proud. He's finally getting it. I'm sure by the time I finish, he'll see that I'm not worth his time.

"Go on."

"Finally, after a few weeks, I had enough…customers…that I took over the guy's business."

"How?"

"I beat the fuck out of him." I really did. I stabbed him twice, once in the shoulder and again in the thigh. I'll never forget the feeling of that knife sliding into his flesh. He had begged me to stop. He had begged me for his life.

"Did you…"

"I didn't kill him." I could have. The power had been intoxicating. I could have killed him.

"Eddie…"

"He kept me level-headed. He made me stop. Took the kid to the hospital."

"Ryan…what about Eddie? And Teresa?"

"He never hit her. That black eye was from where she got drunk and crashed his car."

"So she really planned all this to get to you?" Sandy is horrified. I don't know if it's from my story or from his realization that Teresa is capable of something like that. It doesn't matter.

"I don't know. But Eddie…he loved her…and I couldn't…" Teresa had changed. "So I trusted Eddie and he…he's so scared of me that he came along to take care of her…"

Sandy's looking at me and I can see the question in his eyes.

"I never hit her. I could barely touch her."

"Ryan, what about Roxie?"

I'm still confused as to how they know Roxie. I barely knew Roxie. "What about her?"

"Who is she to you?"

"Nobody…she was just a girl…we had sex, got high together…had sex…"

"She saved your life. She called us…"

"Roxie…I never told her about you…"

"She had your phone. She called…said you shouldn't be alone…she talked to Seth and Kirsten."

I'm genuinely surprised. I had no idea she cared. How could she care about someone like me?

"Ryan?"

"She's a stripper…we'd get high and we'd…"

"You let her…'pierce' you?"

I smile despite myself. "Sandy, don't say 'pierce'."

He lets out a nervous laugh. I light another cigarette.

"What's that all about? The…rings and the tattoos?"

I shrug. "I don't know. I guess…it's pain on my own terms…a badge of honor…" I must look insane to them. Roxie had put two small hoops through the edge of my lower lip plus the ones in my chin, tongue and eyebrow. "She says it makes me beautiful…"

Sandy seems startled. "Ryan…she hurt you…"

"I hurt her, too…"

"You scratched her? Stuck needles in her?"

"No…she didn't hurt me…I let her…" He doesn't understand. I let her mark me.

"Why?" He whispers. "I don't understand…"

"She made me feel again…"

Sandy sighs and lets the subject drop. I take another long drag off the cigarette. He watches me. I'm a stranger to him but he searches my face for remnants of the kid he knew.

"I don't care, Ryan. I'm not proud of you, I'm not ashamed of you, I just want you to come home," He says quietly.

I can't go back. I won't destroy his life.

"Ryan…"

"Mr. Cohen? We need to take your son for some tests."

His son. She's all wrong. I'm not his son. His son is not capable of this. I'm nobody's son.

/-/--/

The doctors tell the Cohens that Ryan will be gone for a few hours and they go out for dinner.

The nurses replace the restraints when they finally return him to the room. He's too tired to say anything. He hadn't fought them, he'd answered all their questions and done everything that they asked.

He just wants to sleep. They'd given him something to relax him for the tests and he closes his eyes, indifferent to the discomfort of the restraints. He knows that he deserves to be in chains.

"God," She whispers.

He looks at her, confused. "Rox?"

She's dressed down. She's in disarray. She's wearing tight black jeans and a tube top but she's not together. He doesn't recognize the look in her eyes.

"You're…I'm so sorry…"

"Why?" He asks.

"They're killing you…"

"I'm okay."

She approaches nervously. "Can I rescue you? I mean, I can't take you home, the cops…"

"I know."

"But you can stay with me…"

"Rox…"

She touches his face. Her eyes are glazed and he can tell that she's stoned. He closes his eyes and she explores his face with her fingertips.

"I'm so sorry…"

He's exhausted suddenly. He must be dreaming. "Don't. This isn't your fault," He whispers.

"Are you alone?"

"You're here, aren't you?"

She has tears in her eyes. She's nervous. She shouldn't have come. This is too much for her. "I brought you something…" She pulls out a small baggie of cocaine.

He turns his face away, affected.

She regrets it immediately. "I'm sorry, Ryan…I don't know…I don't know what I'm doing…I miss you…"

"Don't…you don't know me well enough to miss me…I'm nobody…"

She's nobody, too. She climbs into his bed, not unstrapping him. She slides an arm under him and drapes her body across his. She wraps herself around him. He's shaking.

"I'm so sorry…"

"Me, too…" He whispers. She knows he's bad. She's bad, too. He lets her hold him. She understands.

---

I have to admit, this is the first kid I've talked to in months that has absolutely intrigued me. When I got the case file, all I saw was a seventeen year old junkie. But his family, his foster family, actually cares about him. They are genuinely good people.

The kid is pretty messed up, as most kids I see are. But he's different. He loves these people and he thinks he's protecting them. He's terrified of hurting them. He's emotionally shut down. He feels, but doesn't let anyone see.

I want to help this kid. The Cohens showed me his school records and their description of him gives me chills. He's a good kid.

When I step into the room, I notice an extra body in the bed. A girl. A woman.

"Excuse me, this is a private room."

The girl looks at me with panicked eyes. Ryan's asleep. She disentangles her limbs from his and stands up.

"I'm sorry, I just wanted to see him…"

"Miss, did you give him drugs?" I can see she's using.

"No…I tried, but he got upset…I just wanted to help…"

"Drugs don't help," I say. The kid turned down drugs, he didn't leave with this girl. And she stayed. There is something about this kid.

"But he's so sad," She says, her gaze drawn to him.

The door opens behind me. "Doctor Adams?" It's Mrs. Cohen

"I'm sorry, I'm leaving," The girl says.

"Roxie?" Mrs. Cohen calls.

The girl pushes past us and runs down the hallway.

"What happened? Is he okay? Did she hurt him?"

"Mrs. Cohen…"

"Kirsten," She corrects me as she rushes to Ryan's side. She searches his body for injuries.

"She was lying in bed with him when I got here. She said she offered him drugs and he got upset…"

"Did he take them?" Her eyes are angry. She's protective. Territorial.

"I don't think so. It's a good sign, Kirsten. He didn't leave with her. She didn't even untie him…"

"She hurt him…she's the one that pierced him…" Kirsten whispers, brushing his hair out of his eyes.

"I'll make sure she's not allowed back…"

"Ryan? Ryan, honey?"

He opens his eyes sluggishly. "Kirsten?" He's disoriented and he tries to get up. I unstrap his wrists and ankles.

"Did she hurt you?" Kirsten asks, lifting him into a rough embrace.

"Who?" He asks, confused.

"That girl, did you take anything?"

"What? Oh no…"

"You swear?"

"I didn't…" He says, his eyes still flashing with confusion.

"You didn't do anything wrong, Ryan." He's guilty but he didn't do anything.

"Ryan…"

He pulls out of her embrace as if chastened and wraps his arms around himself. "I didn't ask her here…I didn't ask you here, either," He says. "I didn't ask either of you to care…"

"I'm just worried about you," Kirsten says. No matter how many times she says it, he doesn't understand. Whoever raised him didn't love him. He doesn't understand how someone could love him.

"Stop," He whispers. "Leave me alone…"

"No…" Kirsten has tears in her eyes.

"All I do is make you cry…just go…" He looks at me, helplessly. "Can't you make her go?"

"Ryan, she cares about you. Can't you let her?" I'm watching him carefully. His hands are clenched into fists and he's completely tense.

"No…I can't…"

Blood starts to trickle between his knuckles. I reach over and try to unball his fists. His nails are cutting into his palms.

Kirsten sees it and takes his other hand. "Stop, Ryan…stop it…please…"

"Relax, Ryan, you're safe…" I hit the button for the nurse. She'll bring a team because she knows I'm here for a session.

"Ryan, please…" Kirsten urges and the kid relaxes. I gently close the restraint over the wrist in my grasp.

"Do you have to do that?" She asks.

"It's okay," He whispers with his eyes closed. "It's safer…" He murmurs as I fasten the strap around his other wrist.

"You're not dangerous," She says. She's so caring that its hard for me to believe that they only spent a year together. She loves him and he's terrified of hurting her.

A group of nurses arrive.

"Clip his nails and take care of his hands…" I tell them. "Kirsten. Can I speak with you?"

----

"Hey, man."

"Seth. Summer." I acknowledge them. I'm surprised to see Summer concerned. I expected disgust or anger but not concern. But she loves Seth so it's understandable.

Kirsten hadn't returned after the doctor left with her. I'd actually slept a little. I'm so tired.

Seth silently unstraps my hands and ankles. "Don't freak out. Mom says we can take you for a cigarette."

"Your mom says I can smoke?"

Seth smiles slightly. "Okay. Mom said to take you for a walk and the doctor said cigarette."

"Damn, you're bruised," Summer says, looking at my wrists as I rub my face.

"He's malnourished. Look at his hand," Seth remarks.

My hand with the i.v. is completely blue around the small needle in my vein. The tape holding it in is lined with blue.

"Come on, Chino. Let's get you some air." Summer hangs the saline bag on the portable stand as Seth pulls me gently to my feet.

They don't care that I can walk, each of them take an arm and guide me outside. It's night and the small smoking area is deserted but lit by lamps.

"If you tell mom, I'll kick your ass," Seth says as he lights a cigarette before passing the pack to me.

"Like you could kick his ass," Summer replies. She has lit one of her own.

We smoke in silence.

"So, Chino. What's up with the stripper?" Summer asks.

"Roxie?"

"Yeah. Mom said she came by," Seth replies.

She did. I missed the confrontation, I was so tired, but I knew that she had come.

"She likes you," Seth says.

"She came by." I sit down.

"What happened?" He probes.

"She said she was sorry…wanted me to come home with her…"

"But you said no. To her drugs, right?" Summer speaks for Seth.

"I didn't say anything. I didn't know she…"

"She's bad for you. Piercings are _so_ not fashionable," Summer says.

"Nipple rings, Ryan? I thought Mom was going to fall over," Seth grins.

"No way, let me see..." Summer gasps. She pulls up my shirt and I don't protest. Their banter is relaxing. It doesn't matter that I'm on display.

"Damn…don't they hurt?" Seth asks.

Summer lets my shirt go at the bottom and pulls at my collar to see my tattoos.

"Not really."

"Is Roxie pierced like that?" Seth asks. Summer glares at him and I can't stop from smiling.

"Don't answer that," She warns me.

Roxie's pierced everywhere. On Saturdays she wears a chain connecting them all. 25$ cover. I don't answer.

"Have you seen this?" Summer asks. Seth stands up and moves behind me, examining Roxie's artwork.

"It's beautiful…"

"She's good," Seth whispers.

"Have you seen it, Ryan?" She asks.

"It's a dead rose," I reply. I don't need to see it. I can feel it.

"It says 'pain'," Seth says.

I feel Summer's fingers pressing against the skin of my lower back. She pulls at my waistband.

"Stand up, Chino..."

"Why?"

"We need to see your ass," She replies.

I'm curious so I stand up. Her fingers move across my back.

"Tasty. Sexy. Beautiful," She reads.

"Lust. Sinful," Seth continues. "Dangerous. Hot."

"That's on me?" I didn't know.

"You didn't know?"

"There's more," Summer says.

"Tragic. Tainted. Guilty," Seth recites.

I take a deep drag off my cigarette.

"Mom's going to kill you," Seth says.

"You just let her write on you?" Summer asks.

I shrug.

"You haven't met her," Seth says.

"When did you meet her?" I ask.

"When…when you first got here," He answers.

"How long have I been here?"

"A few days. Five at least."

"Damn." That's a long time to be in limbo. I sit down again.

"Why'd you turn Roxie down?" Seth asks.

I don't have an answer. I don't know.

"Seth, he knows. He knows that he's made mistakes," Summer says quietly. She's defending me.

They're both silent.

"Thank you," Seth says.

"What?" I don't understand.

"Thank you for trying. You knew it was wrong and…" Seth begins.

"I didn't…" I start. I didn't do anything.

"You did the right thing, Ryan. See…I made a mistake…I'm never going to abandon you again, I was selfish and I was only thinking about myself and…" He gushes suddenly.

"Seth…"

"No," He continues. "I left you. I left Summer and I don't deserve forgiveness but I promise that I will never let you down again."

He's serious. He blames himself. But this is my fault. I did this. I made this choice.

"Do you love her?" Summer asks.

"Who?" I'm confused.

"Roxie," She says. She's returned the conversation to it's original subject, smoothing over Seth's tangent.

"I don't know. No. She's just…" I can't explain this.

"She's just a fuck?" She offers.

"She's…" I can't explain it. I'm attracted to her. But we don't have a relationship. There's no emotions, just the attraction. We're kindred.

"She's not like you. She's different. You have somewhere to go, somewhere to turn," Seth says.

"To you? I'm supposed to turn to you?"

"Yes," He says urgently. "This isn't you, you can come home now…"

"This is me…"

"Ryan…"

"You have no idea what I'm capable of…"

Seth is silent.

"You did what you thought you had to do," Summer says quietly. "God knows, you put your all into it. You're like a little gangster now…"

I take a long drag off my cigarette.

"Ryan…" Seth starts.

"I didn't say anything to Roxie. She waved a bag at me and I didn't say anything…I couldn't…"

"What happened?" Seth asks.

"She…she just laid down. We slept."

"That's it?" Summer asks.

"That's it? Isn't that enough?" Seth asks.

"I just expected more kink…" Summer shrugs.

"You okay?" Seth asks me suddenly. I must have been quiet too long.

"Let's get you back inside," Summer says.

I'm grateful. I want to sleep. I'm tired of talking.

-----

I wake up and she's straddling me. She's put my ankles and wrists into restraints because I remember falling asleep without them.

"Hey, baby…" She says, kissing me.

"Roxie, you're not supposed to be here…"

"You, either…" She replies. Something's changed. Something's wrong. She's upset, her eyes are crazy and wild. I've never seen her this high. Something's wrong.

"What…" She covers my mouth with her hand.

"Things are pretty messed up…and I just want to stop the pain…for both of us…"

She's serious. I feel around for the call button but I can't find it and I can't get up to help her. She keeps her hand over my mouth.

"Roxie. What are you doing here?" Seth calls. I can't see him, Roxie is obstructing my view. I don't want to bite her hand but I can't breath.

"Get off him!" Summer yells.

"I'm going to make his pain stop…he wants to come with me…" She has a syringe. Oh god. I know immediately that it's too much. A shot that big is going to kill me.

Roxie's already gone. I can see it in her eyes, that glazed dull look. The knowing. She's already taken her dose. Oh god.

"Security! Security!" Seth is yelling in panic.

Roxie ignores Summer pulling at her as she tries to find a vein. I feel the sharp stab into my arm several times. She's too fucked up for this. She misses and it hurts.

"Stop, Roxie…" She releases my mouth and I gasp for breath, trying to wrestle my arm out of her reach.

Not in front of Seth. Not like this.

"It's for the best, baby…" She says. She kisses me as the drugs start to burn a hole in my arm.

Summer slaps at my arm and I feel the needle snap as Roxie is pulled off me.

"Ryan? Ryan, are you all right?"

My heart's beating so fast and I can't answer him. Please don't let him see me die.

"Oh god…Seth…she's dying…" Summer's voice brings me out of my spiral.

She stopped the pain.

She wanted to take me with her.

I close my eyes and try to turn away.

She's dead. She's fucking dead.

"Ryan. Ryan, man…" Seth's voice is urgent.

"Somebody do something!" Summer shrieks.

I can't do anything. It's over.

---

"Seth? What happened?" I embrace my son. Sandy is outside with Summer.

"We stepped out for coffee and when we came back, she was on top of him…"

"Roxie?"

"She's dead…"

What? I release him and study his terrified eyes.

"She killed herself, she tried to kill Ryan…she had this needle and she tried to inject him…and then she just died…and he wouldn't say anything…"

He's so scared. I don't know what to say. I hold him tightly against me. "Seth, honey, it's okay…"

"I saw her die…"

"Seth…" He cries. He shouldn't have been here. This shouldn't have happened. Ryan shouldn't even know that girl. She shouldn't have died.

"Go find Ryan," Seth says, pulling away. He's strong. He wipes his face. "I need to go check on Summer."

"Are you okay?"

"I will be."

I watch him walk away before I go toward the nurses' station. Doctor Adams is waiting for me.

"How is he?"

"He's going to be okay. But it's definitely a setback. His friend is dead and he blames himself. He says she didn't flip until he went into the hospital."

"As far as I can tell, he didn't even love this girl…"

"I know. That's another source of his guilt. A girl he didn't even care about…cared about him this much. I don't think he had any idea that she was suicidal."

"Can I see him?" I have to see him. She walks with me.

"We're monitoring him. She injected him with a small dose of heroin but luckily your son and his girlfriend managed to get the syringe out before…before she could give it all to him. She missed the vein completely and we've counteracted it…but he's very shaken," She explains.

I can't believe this. He's supposed to be safe. He's safe…

"He's a strong young man, but this…"

"I know." I push open the door to his room.

He's sitting up and staring at the wall. He's not restrained but he has his hands lying at his side.

"Hey." I sit down on the edge of his bed and take his hand. The i.v. has to hurt him considering the harshness of the bruise. His palm has the curved cuts from his nails. His wrists are blue. He's easily broken and I never knew.

"It doesn't matter what I do…" He says quietly.

"This isn't your fault…"

"She's dead and I didn't even know her real name…she came to take me with her…and I didn't want to go…" He whispers. His blue eyes are pale with confusion. He doesn't understand why he can't do anything right. This isn't his fault.

I embrace him. He doesn't cry. He shakes in my arms. He doesn't put his arms around me but I don't let him go. I want to make him better. I want to be his mother. I'm grateful that he doesn't pull away. He doesn't hug me but he lets me hold him.

"Everything's going to be okay."

And he starts to cry silently. He doesn't believe me.

--


	3. 3

_"So glad to see you well   
Overcome and completely silent now   
With heaven's help  
You cast your demons out   
And not to pull your halo down   
Around your neck and tug you off your cloud   
But I'm more than just a little curious  
How you're planning to go about   
Making your amends to the dead   
To the dead...  
__  
Your halo slipping down to choke you now..."_  
  
_ --A Perfect Circle_

* * *

"I want him out of this hospital."

"Mrs. Cohen…"

Nothing they say will change my mine. He was supposed to be safe here.

"We're taking him home." Sandy squeezes my hand. I need his support.

The doctor is dismayed but she nods. "I'll get the paperwork. I'll also write some prescriptions for him."

"Thank you," Sandy says. He embraces me once the doctor leaves.

"We're doing the right thing," I whisper.

"I know. We're bringing him home."

I don't know why we have to convince each other but…Ryan's not the same. Everything that we loved about him is gone. He's dark. He's given everything he has and there's nothing left.

"We should go tell him," Sandy says. We start down the hallway.

He's right. We have to tell him.

It's only been a few hours since Roxie died but it's like Ryan's fading before our eyes. There's no anger left in him now. No hope.

As we step in, I can see that Seth is still trying to treat Ryan like the boy he remembers. He's talking to him about random things and Ryan is taking it all in but he's not responding. He's too old, too broken to care about Seth's ramblings but he won't hurt his feelings. He seems calmer from Seth's presence. Summer is sitting on Seth's lap and is holding Ryan's hand.

His legs are curled against him and he's lying on his side. He's shaking but he's alive.

"Ryan. We're taking you home," Sandy says quietly.

His blue eyes flicker from Seth and focus on Sandy. "No."

"Ryan, it's time for you to move on. Leave this behind and come home…"

"I won't…"

"Please stop fighting us." I put my hand against his cheek. "Please. We'll work everything out…"

"I can't…" He believes it. He believes that he can't come home.

"You belong with us. Family doesn't care about your mistakes. We don't care about what you've done, we care about you…" Sandy urges.

Ryan shakes his head. "Why are you doing this?"

"Because we love you. It's time to come home."

He closes his eyes and brings his hands to his face.

"You don't have to do it all by yourself anymore," Sandy starts.

"Please, Ryan…" Seth whispers.

And when Ryan hears Seth's plea, he lowers his hands and I recognize him. I can see through his mask and I see my son. Ryan. He will do anything for Seth.

"Please," Seth repeats. "Try again. This is your second chance."

Ryan doesn't answer.

"Ryan, are you going to keep fighting us on this?" Sandy asks.

I think we all let out a breath when he answers. "No."

"Are you going to run off?"

"No…I'll go…I'll do whatever you want…" He consents.

"Really?" Seth puts his hand on Ryan's shoulder. Ryan looks at him and nods. Summer grins widely, able to express the relief that the rest of us are too exhausted to show.

----------------

Ryan was always a quiet kid. But he's silent now. He's sitting on the back seat of the Rover with a lighter in his hands. His blue eyes are locked on the object and he flicks it obsessively, twirling it in his fingers.

I have to break the silence. Kirsten's jumpy too, but it's from worry. She seems relieved when I speak. "Hey, kid. You hungry?"

"No thanks," He murmurs, not looking up.

"It's a long ride Ryan. You can stretch out and sleep if you want," Kirsten offers.

"I'm okay." He still doesn't look up. I'm looking in the mirror when he finally glances up. He brushes his shaggy hair out of his eyes and takes a shaky breath. The silver hoops and barbells in his face can't hide his vulnerability anymore.

"Is there anything you need?" Kirsten asks, turning to face him.

"I'm really okay, guys. Relax." He flips the lighter in his hands.

Kirsten glances at me as she settles into her seat again.

"What's going to happen to me?" He asks quietly. I barely catch his words but Kirsten hears them.

"You're coming home," Kirsten starts, just as quietly. "No more drugs. No more violence. No more metallic objects in your face. You will accept your place in this family and you will leave everything that happened in Chino where you left it. It's over."

I see Ryan's face in the mirror. He's listening. After seeing him last week, I never expected him to be in my presence willingly. Even now, he's not exactly willing, but he's here and he's listening. Roxie's death has broken something in him.

Kirsten turns around in the seat again. "We are going to help you. But you have to let us."

He nods solemnly.

"And you have to talk to us."

"Okay," He whispers. He flicks the lighter. He catches me watching him and stops. He shakes. I realize he's keeping himself from shaking by focusing on the lighter.

"I think he's okay, Kirsten. Let's give him some space."

Kirsten sighs. "Okay. I guess an hour in the car shouldn't be totally consumed by lectures."

"Can he smoke?" I ask Kirsten.

"Sandy, he has to quit…" She replies.

"Come on, he's about to climb the walls in here."

Ryan's watching us from the backseat, his gaze flickering between us. I can't read his face.

Kirsten sighs and takes my hand. "Fine. He can smoke. He can keep that habit a little while longer. Be careful not to burn the seats."

---------------------

Kirsten hands me an ashtray. It's clearly never been used before. I glance at her and she nods her assent.

I'm not questioning it, I'm dying for a cigarette. Not really, I'm craving escape, relief, anything to get out of here, but a cigarette hopefully can sustain me.

I can't walk away from this. I'll do what they want. I'll let them try. I won't tell them that it's too late. That I'm dead. The only thing I can do now is try and stop their pain. If they want me, they can have me.

I light the cigarette and inhale. I'm so shaky that I overdo it and start to cough. And then I taste it. Blood. My fucking nose is bleeding.

I don't want to say anything to upset them and I see a napkin stuffed down in the pocket of Sandy's seat. I put it to my nose. Who knew cocaine had such a harsh down side? Shit. I knew it. But it was the only thing that got me through. I needed the drugs to dull the reality of what I was doing.

"Ryan? Are you okay?" Kirsten's alarmed by the blood.

"Yeah, it's just a nosebleed…" I don't tilt my head back, I don't want to taste it anymore.

"No ring in your nose, thank god," Sandy remarks, trying to break the tension that seems to follow me these days.

"It made me sneeze," I reply honestly. Sandy smiles but Kirsten glares at me. But it's not an angry glare.

The nicotine doesn't steady me, it seems to jumpstart my heart and I can't stop shaking. The closer we get to Newport, the more it feels like I'm breaking into pieces. The cocaine was my glue. I take another drag off my cigarette. I close my eyes as it makes me dizzy.

When I glance up, I realize that we've stopped. The door beside me opens and Sandy's beside me with a bottle of water.

"Come on, kid. You're looking a little pale…" He takes my arms and urges me out of the SUV.

It's bright, the sunlight blinds me for a moment but Sandy steadies me.

"Drink." He puts the opened bottle in my hand and I take a swallow and lean against the side of the Rover.

"Better?" Kirsten appears.

"You should have said you were carsick," Sandy says gently.

"I'm just a little dizzy, I'm not sick…" I tell him. Kirsten drops two pills in my hand.

"Take them. It's okay, they'll make you feel better."

I don't question her, I swallow them.

"Summer and Seth are getting the guest room ready for you. Rosa's making dinner," Kirsten says, taking my shoulders and slipping a pair of sunglasses over my eyes.

"Okay…"

"And you can have a short rest and then Hailey's going to take you to an N.A. meeting."

I'm surprised. Hailey's in Narcotics Anonymous?

"We'll tell you all about it on the way. You ready?" Kirsten holds open the door and I take my seat again in the backseat. Within minutes, we're traveling again.

I'm content with the silence. I light a fresh cigarette and the drugs Kirsten gave me have made me fluffy. Not sleepy, but dull. I won't break, I'll bounce. I'm soft.

"Hailey's had some problems," Kirsten tells me, her gaze following the cigarette smoke that drifts out the window.

"She said you offered to help her get clean after you brought her from L.A.," Sandy says. He's watching me in the mirror.

Dammit. I close my eyes to avoid their gazes. She'd turned me down. Said I didn't understand, that she had it under control and I wouldn't understand because I didn't use drugs. She was right. I had no idea.

"If you'd rather one of us go with you…" Kirsten starts.

"We want you to talk to someone, Ryan, but until we figure something out we'd like you to try the meetings…" Sandy adds.

I'll still crave the drugs. It's a part of my penance. Once you taste it, nothing's ever enough. I'm never going to be complete without it.

"These are my sunglasses," I realize. They're mine from the house in Chino.

"We got some of your things," Kirsten says quietly.

"Upon Seth's request, we cut a deal with the police. Eddie's free and clear. He helped us gather your things."

Eddie. I guess he earned it. He doesn't deserve to go to jail. He was trying to do right by Teresa. And by me.

"You will not be riding that bike in the foreseeable future, thought. It's unsafe," Kirsten mutters.

"My bike?"

"It's my bike, now," Sandy winks at me.

Wow.

"Teresa's going to be in jail when she has the baby. Eddie's going to raise the child when it's born," Kirsten says.

"But…"

"It's out of your hands. We've talked to Eddie. He's told us things that you'd never tell us," Kirsten continues. "He'll be a good father to the child."

What would I be? I'm not a good father. I'm not a good son. I'm not good at all. I'm all bad. I'm rotten.

"That came out wrong," She says suddenly.

"You're right. Eddie's a good man." She's right. He'll be a good father.

"Ryan…"

"What did you give me?" Because I feel good.

"Valium," Kirsten replies.

"More drugs…" Interesting concept.

"You're not healthy," Sandy said, looking at me in the mirror. "Just because we took you out of that hospital doesn't mean we think you're okay. You're so fucking tense that we thought you were going to explode…anything we can do to keep you stable, we'll do it."

I lower my gaze. He's really emotional. I keep scaring them. I didn't know they could see my instability. I guess I'm all out of shields. They can see through me.

"Sandy," Kirsten's shaking his head at him.

I get what he's saying, though. They're more worried I'll slit my wrists than I'll get addicted again.

I should say something. I glance up and Kirsten is staring at me.

"What?"

"Your tongue ring. You're chewing it. It's really distracting," She says, blushing.

I have to smile. "Sorry."

"The look's not growing on me," She smiles, relaxing. "I was so relieved not to find eyeliner in your stuff."

"I'm not goth." It's an interesting concept. I guess I could be goth.

"Seth wants to take you to the airport just so you can walk through the metal detectors," Sandy jokes.

-----------------

Ryan is in the shower and Summer and I are unpacking the bags Mom and Dad brought from Chino. I don't recognize any of the clothes.

"Chino's got good taste. This is some pretty high class stuff," Summer says. "You okay?"

"I'm okay. I'm glad he's home."

She puts her arms around me. I can't do this without her. I love her so much.

"Me, too. Chino's a good guy. He'll come back to us."

Ryan steps out of the bathroom. His faded jeans hang low on his hips and are frayed over his bare feet. He's shirtless and his tattoos are vivid against his pale flesh. I can see his ribs.

"Damn, kid, who painted you up?" Hailey steps in. She walks over to him and embraces him.

He's surprised but docile. It's like he's given up and he'll do anything we say. He's a shell. But he's home. We'll fix it.

"You need a serious tan," She adds, releasing him.

Ryan gives her a blank grin. "Thanks." He picks up a plain black wife-beater off the bed and slips it on. He snaps a black wristband over one of his bruised wrists and a silver watch over the other wrist. He glances over at me and I follow his gaze to the small box in my hand. I pass it to him. He opens it and slips rings on his fingers. Two on one hand, three on the other. He gives me a nervous smile. He's putting on his armor.

"God, no wonder Kirsten said you went dark," Hailey says, sitting down on the bed.

Ryan seems to lose his motivation for a moment under Hailey's stare. He glances between me and Summer.

"You want to step outside?" I offer. He nods.

"I didn't mean to upset you," Hailey apologizes.

"No, no…it's just…" Ryan's words don't form completely and his eyes flash with emotion.

"Let's get you some air," I say, taking his elbow. He lets me guide him outside to the patio.

He lights a cigarette and turns to face me. "I don't know if I can do this…"

"Hey, you can…just relax…" I don't know what to say to make him understand that he belongs here. "Let go of it, Ryan…" I don't know if he understands what I'm trying to say but he seems to listen.

"I never expected to be back here…if I'd known you guys would find me…"

"You did what you thought you had to do. You made a mistake, hell, you made a lot of mistakes, but you're home now."

He turns away and inhales desperately off his cigarette. "I'm sorry…" He whispers.

"I know." I know he's sorry. I couldn't have done what he did. Made money to support my child. Ryan's smart and he found a way to provide for his kid the only way he could. It was totally immoral and illegal but he used the only skills he had. It isn't his fault that he didn't know of any other way. He didn't know that my family would do anything for him. He's always been the one sacrificing himself for his family. He doesn't know that it works both ways. I know he's sorry.

"Are you going to stick around, man? Because it'd be awesome if you'd stay," I say quietly. I put my hand on his shoulder. He doesn't flinch. He doesn't shatter.

"I'm going to give it a try," He whispers, like he doesn't trust his voice.

Dad steps out. "Hey, guys."

"Dad. What's up?"

"Ryan, do you want to rest before dinner?" Dad asks, smiling at me.

Ryan looks at me and then back to my father. "What do you want me to do?"

Dad seems to regret his question.

"I mean, I could sleep or…I could walk around…it doesn't matter…" Ryan mutters.

"What do you feel like doing?" I ask quietly. I'm searching his face but he really doesn't seem to care.

"I'll rest," He says, dropping his cigarette.

---------------

"She died?"

"Seth and Summer got there in time to stop her from injecting Ryan. The doctors said that there was nothing they could do for her," Kirsten says. I've never seen my sister this upset. She loves this kid like her own and the fact that his life has spun out of control has devastated her. I think she sees what he would have become without her family in his life. She'll never forgive herself for letting him go.

"Poor kid."

"I think we may need to postpone the meeting. He's exhausted."

"Sure. Have you slept at all?"

"I'll sleep now he's safe," She replies. Her gaze drifts to the couch where Ryan is sleeping. He'd fallen asleep after eating a little of Rosa's meatloaf and Kirsten had covered him with a blanket.

"He's a good kid, Kirsten." It's all I keep hearing. Jimmy says he's the reason that Marissa was able to get better. Seth credits him with his self-confidence and self-esteem. Sandy and Kirsten know that he's got a good heart. I know he's better than this. He almost went head to head with the club owner when he got me from LA. He doesn't deserve this.

Ryan stirs slightly from his sleep. He's always been such a strong kid he's hit rock bottom. He's trembling in his sleep.

"I just hope he can find his way back," Kirsten sighs. I put my arm around her. She's a good mom. Even to a kid that's not hers.

Ryan mumbles. "No…Roxie, stop…"

Kirsten goes to his side. She gently touches his face. "Shh…you're okay…"

And he seems to hear her, his face relaxing. She leaves his side and returns to the seat beside me.

"Are you going to get him some counseling?"

"Yeah. The doctor from the hospital gave us some antidepressants to give him and some sedatives but…he needs help," She admits. "And not chemicals."

"He needs his family around him." He needs to accept that he has a family now.

Ryan starts to pull at the blanket. "No…stop…please…"

Kirsten is beside him immediately, trying to wake him and keeping his hands from clawing at his face.

"Honey, stop…wake up, Ryan…"

He opens his eyes with a panicked look. "I couldn't get to her, I'm sorry…"

"Honey, it was a dream, okay?" She smoothes his hair and finally he seems to relax. He blinks the disorientation from his eyes.

"I'm so sorry…" He whispers as she embraces him. He shakes in her arms.

"It's all over now, okay?" She says, releasing him. "Why don't we take a walk. You can get some fresh air and then we'll put you back to bed."

He stands up unsteadily and I go to his side. We each take an elbow and steer him out into the driveway.

"Ryan…" Kirsten starts.

"I'm okay…it was just a bad dream," He murmurs, pulling out of our grasp. He takes a couple of steps and inhales deeply from the fresh air.

"Give him some air, Kirsten. He's okay."

She seems to accept it. Ryan fumbles in his pockets until he finds a half-crushed pack of cigarettes.

"We said you could smoke, Ryan, but you're smoking entirely too much…" Kirsten scolds. He nods at her as he lights it.

"Ryan and I are going to take a stroll down to the beach. It's okay," I say. Ryan seems relieved. I link arms with him.

"Don't let him smoke too much, Hailey," She sighs. She watches us until we turn onto the path.

"Thanks," Ryan murmurs.

"No problem."

He doesn't speak, he keeps his eyes lowered to monitor his steps.

"So, I hear you had quite the little empire going down there in Chino."

He glances at me.

"I, for one, have respect for you…I know how hard it is to get started in the drug dealing world. I got my ass kicked in Berlin for selling fake pills." It's true. A story I could never tell my sister or my father. But I want to help this kid and he'll understand. Maybe I can understand.

He glances at me and absently pushes a strand of hair out of his face. He has hollow eyes.

"It's not a good life."

"I know. I'm not offering excuses," He mutters.

"I wasn't asking for any. I just…you can talk to me, if you want. I can listen."

"I fucked up. That's all."

"You tried, Ryan…"

"It doesn't matter," He snaps. "It doesn't matter, Hailey. Trying doesn't count. The kid's not mine, Teresa fucked me and a girl is dead now because 'I tried'. It doesn't count."

"Hey," I nudged him with my elbow, keeping our arms linked. "It does count. You're still a good kid."

"Drop it, Hailey," He sighs. "I'm tired of talking." He lets the smoke drift out of his nostrils.

"Sorry."

We walk in silence. Finally, we step onto the beach.

"I haven't seen the ocean in so long…" He whispers.

"No beach in Chino?"

"It reminds me of my last night here…" He says, sitting down on the sand. "I never thought I'd go to the beach again…"

"Well, that's not normal. If you live in California, you have to go to the beach." I sit down beside him. He's shivering and doesn't protest when I put my arm around him.

"I had to do it…I had to do something…it was the only thing I knew how to do…"

"I know, Ryan." But I didn't. I'd always had Daddy's money to fall back on. Alone, broke with a baby on the way? I wouldn't have known where to turn. But Ryan survived. He made it work.

"And once I started…I couldn't just stop…I gave all this up…I accepted my life…"

"That's not your life, kid. You don't deserve that. You think you earned that life? You didn't. You earned this one. Let Kirsten and Sandy take care of you. You deserve that…" I want to convince him that he's not worthless. I want him to believe me.

He shakes his head. "The things I did…"

"They don't matter. You gave all this up for your life in Chino. You walked away from it." I wait until he looks at me. "Now you have to walk away from that and accept your place here. It's the same deal except here…you're not alone. You don't have to be…you don't have to be a pincushion…"

He smiles at me as he flicks his cigarette into the night. "The piercings really get to you guys, don't they?"

"A little. Not exactly Newport fashion," I smile.

He shudders.

"You cold?"

"I'm okay. It's quiet here."

"If we stay too long, they'll send the dogs out after us."

He nods.

"So, kid. You know you're in bad shape if I'm giving you advice…"

"I got that already," He snorts.

"So what's on your mind?"

He sighs. "I was thinking back to the first time Sandy brought me home. Kirsten wanted me to sleep in the poolhouse. So I wouldn't steal anything. Now, I'm a bona fide criminal and Kirsten puts me in the guest room…"

"I think that's the most you've said since you've been back." I squeeze his shoulder, trying to reassure him. "You've proven yourself, kid. You're not a criminal. You're Ryan. You'll do anything you can for the people you love. You've proved that, too. But you need help."

"Help…"

"We all need help sometimes. Are you going to let them help you?"

He doesn't answer immediately. He lights a cigarette despite the cold breeze from the ocean.

"Ryan?"

"They can't help me, Hailey. I'm beyond help…"

"Hey," I shake him gently until he meets my gaze. "You are not a quitter…"

"Rehab is for quitters," He mutters.

"Not what I meant, kid. You can't give up…you've come too far…"

He stands up and offers me a hand. "No, Hailey. I've gone too far to come back."

"Ryan…"

"Let's start back. I don't want to worry them…"

"Ryan, wait…" I take his arm and he reluctantly turns to face me. "You have to try."

"I am trying. I'm here, aren't I? I'm here…"

"You're here? Are you? Really, Ryan? Because it looks to me like you're just going through the motions…"

He nods. "I am. But it's all I can do. It's all I have left. If…if I go through the motions then…then maybe I can remember what it's like to be here…to be what they want…"

"Ryan…"

"Let's go, Hailey. Please. I'm tired."

And I let him off the hook. I put my arm around his thin waist and guide him back toward the house.


	4. 4

**_AN: Okay. People wanted more Chino!Ryan and this is what happened. I'm still currently on hiatus, I'll be updating all of my unfinished stories in August but I wanted to get a reaction to this one. It'll be updated again when I update all the rest. Hope this answers some questions and I hope all the readers will be sated for a little while longer. Thanks to Jo for her guidance!_ **

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"Are you awake?" Seth's voice is tentative. As if I can sleep. The dreams keep me awake. But they're not even dreams. They're memories. Dreams aren't real. Memories are real.

"Yeah." I don't open my eyes. He won't go away either way.

"You hungry?"

"No." I sit up anyway. The Cohens are obsessed with feeding me. I swear, every room must have a mini fridge because no matter which one I walk into, someone is waiting to force me to eat. I've been here for twenty hours and I've eaten at least every two hours. My stomach feels like it's swollen. It burns worse than I remember. It's been a long time since I'd let myself eat a whole meal. My stomach just hurt too much. It's part of my punishment.

"Can I come in?"

It's nice that he asks. Out of everyone here, Seth's the one that's being most careful with me. I think he's the only one who knows how hard this is for me. Either that or he's scared of me.

He sits down on the edge of the bed. "It's night. We've all had dinner and Mom says…"

More food. I don't tell him that I'm going to puke if I eat anything else.

"Man, will you just come out for a while? We're worried about you," Seth whispers. They're always worried about me. I lower my feet to the floor and stand up. I could use a cigarette. He stands up, too, and leads the way into the hallway.

"Hey, kid. You get any sleep?" Sandy smiles at me from the kitchen. I shrug. Sleep doesn't mean rest anymore.

"If you're hungry, there's…" Kirsten starts immediately. I glance at the arrangement of food spread out on the counter. Chicken, steak, tacos, lasagna, some sort of pasta and assorted other meals. I'm nauseous just looking at it. "There's everything if you're hungry."

"We're going to talk about how we can get you some help, Ryan," Sandy says. At least he's honest with me. They've been totally honest about everything and I can't fault them for that. Honesty's something new to me these days.

"Can I smoke a cigarette?" I barely recognize my own voice. I guess I haven't said much in a while.

"Go ahead. We'll just be talking in here, okay?" Kirsten gives me a small smile. I can't read her. She's smiling but her eyes…her eyes are a mixture of kindness and fear. I don't want her to be scared of me. I don't want her to be scared for me either.

I walk outside. It's cool out but I'm not walking back in for a jacket. I pull my cigarettes out of my pocket. Sandy had put a carton on the dresser of the guest room and I'm grateful. Whatever little bit I can get to help me through. I don't feel like sitting, so I pace. I trace a path by the pool. Five steps one way, turn and take five steps back.

By the time I'm halfway done with my second cigarette, I can hear them arguing. Not really arguing, but discussing things loudly. Discussing me.

"He'll die if you put him in the hospital, he can't take it," Kirsten's voice is shrill.

I can't take the pity in her voice. It should be disgust.

"What do you want us to do, Kirsten, keep him locked in the guest room like an animal?" Sandy's voice is calmer.

This isn't right. They shouldn't be arguing. Not about me. Not about how to help me. I don't deserve their help, I don't deserve anything. Not from them. They don't know what I've done, the sins I've committed. Eddie might have told them some things, but he didn't tell them everything.

"He won't even talk to me, Dad…" Seth's voice breaks through my thoughts.

I have to tell them. I have to tell them about where I've been, what I've become. I won't stay a second longer until they know about the person that I've let myself become. I'm not someone to be proud of, I'm not someone that deserves to be loved.

I can't get better if I let myself take their charity. I don't deserve it and it's not fair to them. It's not fair for them to let a criminal stay in their house when they don't know my crimes. I won't do it to them.

I finish my cigarette and slowly walk toward the house. I open the door to the kitchen. They don't hear me. I step inside.

"There's nothing we can do for him here, he needs professional help…" Sandy mutters.

"He's not going to listen to some doctor, he doesn't need to be with strangers, he needs his family…" Kirsten replies.

"He just needs time to get over what that bitch did to him…" Seth adds.

I sit down at the counter. They still don't see me.

"We have to focus on what's right for Ryan, for his health…" Kirsten starts.

"Stop it. Please." I can't hear anymore. This is wrong.

They notice me now. Kirsten blushes, Seth's mouth drops open in surprise and Sandy just looks at me. I put my hands flat on the counter. I can't remember a time when I didn't shake.

"Ryan, we thought…" Sandy starts.

I have to try and talk. I have to tell them everything. I have to be honest. It's the only way. I won't accept their help until they know what they're dealing with.

"What's up?" Seth asks when his father doesn't continue. He sits down beside me in the empty chair at the counter.

"You guys have done so much for me. But I can't accept anything else. Not until you know the truth."

"The truth?" Seth whispers.

"I owe you an explanation. You all need to know about the things I did, the people I hurt. It's not fair for you to be helping me when you don't know…"

"Its okay, Ryan, we don't care about any of…" Kirsten starts.

"You don't care because you don't know." It's true. They have no idea.

"Eddie told us…" Sandy takes over. It's almost like they don't want to hear it. But they have to. I have to tell them.

"Eddie's not me. I should be the one to tell you."

They're silent. It's a rare moment in the Cohen house.

"Okay, Ryan. What do you want to tell us?" Kirsten speaks. She's leaning on the counter beside Sandy and he has his arm around her. Their eyes are on me as if they think I'm about to scream at the top of my lungs and break all the windows out of the house. They support each other, though.

"What do you want to know?"

Now that they're listening, I don't know where to start. I keep my hands on the counter. The hand where the IV had been is still tinged blue.

"What happened?" Seth whispers from beside me. "Because I…I just can't wrap my head around…I can't process what happened to you…"

I press my hands flat. I am steady.

"I went to Chino."

"But Teresa's mom…" Seth starts.

"She didn't want Teresa raising a bastard in her house. I had just enough money to get us a motel room for a week."

_20 bucks a night and if you left the lights on, the rats wouldn't bother you. We didn't unpack, we barely had anything but two duffle bags between us. Teresa was pissed. She sat down on the dingy yellow bedspread and crossed her arms in front of her. _

_"What the hell are we going to do now?" She snapped._

_"I don't know, we'll figure it out…"_

_"We'll figure it out? What the hell does that mean, Ryan? Where are we supposed to go? What are we supposed to do?"_

_I sat down beside her and put an arm around her. She stiffened. Maybe I should have tried to touch her a little more. Kissed her. Given her a little more attention. But that's not what she wanted. She wanted me to marry her. But I couldn't. I can't. _

_"You're supposed to take care of me, take care of my child," She whispered. _

_"I will, Teresa, I promise…"_

_"You better…" She snapped. _

_"Why are you being such a bitch?"_

_She slapped me but I deserved it. She'd taken to hitting me a lot lately. She used to hit me when we were just kids, when we were just dating early on. She seemed to know that it was one of the only ways to get a reaction out of me. I shouldn't have called her a bitch. _

_I stood up. _

_"What are you doing? Where are you going?" _

_"I have to take care of you. I have to take care of our child."_

_"Ryan…"_

_"Greg told me about this game tonight. I can make some money…"_

_"A game? You're going to gamble?"_

_"I'm going to make us some money. Do you care where it comes from?"_

_She didn't answer. She crossed her arms again, pouting. _

_"Teresa…"_

_"Go. Just get out of here. Leave your pregnant girlfriend all alone in a roach-infested motel while you go out drinking and playing cards…" She hissed. _

_"What do you expect me to do?" I didn't mean to raise my voice at her, I just don't know what she wants from me._

_"Go, Ryan. Just…go make money." She stormed to the bathroom and slammed the door. "The money, it's all that matters to you anyway, right?"_

"So you started playing cards for money…"

_The bar was dark and steamy. I tried to follow Timmy's dusty form but I almost ran into him as he stopped abruptly in front of me. _

_"What's up?" I had a busted lip from a bad game of pool earlier in the night but I knew that I could win some more cash if I could just get into another game. I had two grand in my pocket and three more back in the motel room under the mattress under Teresa. She hadn't complained since I started bringing home the rolls of cash. She'd ice my bruises and bandage my cuts and hoard the money. _

_"You sure you're ready for this, kid?" _

_"Yeah." I walked past him. Nobody recognized me. I'd let my hair grow long and I let it shield my eyes. My eyes were what usually triggered the Atwood recognition. I needed to stay under the radar. _

_"Take a seat," One of the old men grumbled at me. I could barely see the table through the smoke. Someone was smoking a cigar and the smoke was thick. _

_I sat down. I took a quick look around. I recognized a couple of the older men. I think that Trey had gotten his ass kicked by all of them at least once. But I was better than Trey. _

_After the first couple of hands, the old man across from me gave me a hard look. I met his gaze steadily. He laid his hand down and I took his money. I didn't back down. He obviously wasn't used to losing but I had to make my mark. I had to win. _

_I'd drank at least six glasses of scotch before I saw the woman walk in. She was clearly wasted. Dressed in a short denim miniskirt, tube top and torn pantyhose, I didn't recognize her until I saw the clover on her lewd cleavage. A four leaf clover tattooed in cheap blue ink. Dad always said he'd get lucky if he could find the clover. He'd given it to her before he'd gotten arrested. She must've been really wasted to be showing it off. _

_I didn't let myself respond. What did I expect, she was clean and sober somewhere teaching Sunday school? Not Dawn. Not my mother. That was almost as implausible as me living in __Newport__ and going to private school. Neither of us would ever find our way out of this place. I studied my hand again. I couldn't let her affect me. I was stone. No one could see me. The cards were all that mattered. _

_"Hey, Georgie…can you help me out?" Her slurred voice fucked my concentration. _

_"Shut up, bitch, we're in the middle of something here. Go buy a drink," The old man across from me snapped. He tossed a few dollars from his stack over his shoulder. They fluttered to the floor. She kneeled despite her skirt and gathered the bills in her hands. _

_"Thanks, Mack," She said, satisfied. _

_I laid my hand down. I wouldn't lose. Not tonight. _

"What about Eddie?"

_God, I was so fucking tired. I'd been drinking since __noon__, trying to stop the throbbing pain in my shoulder and ribs. I'd taken on some city punk at the bar last night in pool and after I'd won a few games, his buddies decided that I didn't deserve the money. I'd gotten away, but not after taking a few hits from the bastard. I'd broken his nose, though. I couldn't fight off all four of them, but I'd broken the bastard's nose and made it out with my money. _

_I parked Teresa's car in the motel parking lot outside of our room. We had money now, more than we knew what to do with, but the motel was the perfect place for us right now. We could make a quick getaway and we were close to most of the games and clubs I'd been frequenting. _

_I heard something as I was walking toward our room. The lights were off but that wasn't unusual. Teresa didn't wait up for me. _

_I slid the key into the door and swung the door open. I saw him first. Eddie. He was lying beside Teresa in the bed. _

_I didn't turn the light on. He knew I was there because he sat up. I could see from the lights in the parking lot but he was blind, struggling to find his shirt. I waited, not moving. He found his shirt, pulled it over his head. Teresa didn't move. I knew she wasn't sleeping, I could tell by the way she was breathing. She was listening. This was a test. _

_God. I was working so hard, I was fighting and gambling and stealing and working so fucking hard for her. And she was fucking Eddie. In the bed that I shared with her. She was lucky that I would never hit a woman. 'Cause she fucking deserved it. _

_He stood up in his boxers and searched for his pants. I leaned against the door, holding it open. Finally, finding his jeans, he stumbled to the door. "Ryan…"_

_I nodded and he walked outside barefoot. I closed the door to the dark room and turned to face him. _

_"Ryan, man…"_

_"Shut up." I rarely spoke anymore. The games I played didn't need words. Teresa didn't need words anymore, she hated me but loved my money. We were bound by the child in her stomach and that's all. Words didn't connect us anymore. I didn't need words. _

_"I'm sorry…" _

_I could smell the liquor on his breath. He'd never been a drinking man, his dad was almost as harsh as mine so I knew that he was messed up if he was drinking. _

_"She called me, she said that you had left her, that she needed me…" Eddie stammered. He looked genuinely sorry. _

_"You hurt her, Eddie."_

_"I've never hurt her, I've never laid a hand on her…"_

_"She came to __Newport__ with a black eye…"_

_"She trashed my car, Ryan, I'd never, I've never…" He whispered. _

_"Why the hell should I believe you?" I barely realized that I had him pushed up against the wall. He wasn't fighting me but I wouldn't let him. I held him with my bad arm but he'd never know it was hurt. I was too pissed to feel the pain. I didn't feel anything. I'd walked away from my life for Teresa and she was fucking Eddie. Eddie. _

_"I'd never hurt her. I love her…" He gasped as I wrapped my hand around his throat. His eyes were glued to my face. He wanted me to believe him._

_"She said you hurt her…"_

_"She got drunk and wrecked my car. I walked here. I haven't been able to find a job, I don't have a car, I've lost everything, Ryan…I never hit her, man…I swear…"_

_"You swear."_

_"I fucking swear."_

_I released him. He gasped for breath and finally seemed to recover as he leaned over with his hands on his knees. _

_"Ryan…"_

_"You love her, don't you." I wasn't asking the question, I knew the answer. I just needed to hear it from him. _

_"I love her. I'm sorry…"_

_"Don't be sorry." I lit a cigarette. I didn't love Teresa. But I had to support her. The baby wasn't Eddie's. _

_Eddie seemed to relax slightly. "I wouldn't have come if I'd thought…"_

_"You fucked her. Right? Just now?"_

_He didn't answer me. I slammed my fist into his face. He spit blood on the sidewalk in a thin spray. _

_"You deserved that," I muttered. He nodded at me. _

_"Okay, Ryan…"_

_"So. You don't have a job."_

_"I haven't had a job in months."_

_I glanced at him. I trusted the bastard. It might be nice not to worry about Teresa anymore. And it would piss her off so much if Eddie and I became allies. Her plan had backfired. She wanted to make me jealous? She wanted to make me want her? This wasn't the way. She shouldn't have lied about Eddie. She shouldn't have fucked him in our bed. _

_But it wasn't Eddie's fault. And I could use him. I offered him a cigarette._

_"Ryan…"_

_"You want to go get a drink?"_

"What about the drugs, Ryan?"

_Dawn had introduced me to Harris a few days after I'd seen her at the game. She got all her drugs from him and he always had product at hand. Eddie and I had started off small, I'd go to the card games and he'd have my back, selling drugs while I played. By the end of the night, we were making a lot of cash. People respected me from the games and people recognized him and had started calling him to score. We were a team but no one knew anything for sure. _

_But we had to do something more. Eddie was keeping Teresa satisfied, I was making money, but we needed more. Our child needed a stable environment. Teresa was out house hunting. I didn't care where or what, but I hated the fucking motel. I hated the sheets and the rats and the stale smell from the curtains. _

_ I had told Eddie to trail Harris and he and I had convinced a few of his steady customers to start calling us instead. Eddie should've been a cop or something because he found out who supplied Harris in a matter of days. I met with the guy. A Cuban far from home with only four fingers on his left hand. He was hard. I wished I could be hard like him._

_I'd dyed my hair platinum a couple of days earlier. It seemed like I always had a bruise on my face and when we went to meet Harris, I made sure that he could see that I was hard. I was cold. _

_I was also fucked up. _

_One of the customers we'd taken from Harris was Dawn. I had never used cocaine before. I'd never tasted it, I'd never smelled it, I'd stayed as far away from it as I could. _

_But when I'd walked into that fucking one room flat she was living in, I knew that I couldn't go back. _

_She was thin like always and her eyes were sunken in her face. Her skin looked like paper, like her bones were about to punch through. _

_"Baby, I knew you'd come…did you bring it?" She rubbed her hands together, eagerly. _

_She wasn't glad to see me, I don't think she even registered who I was. She was drunk and her arms were bruised. She was shooting something but I couldn't care. This was my job now. I put the baggies on the table. _

_"Thank you, baby, I've been waiting for this," She smiled, scrambling to pick up the drugs. She stuffed two of them into her bra and left one on the cluttered table. She used her hand to clear off a clean space. _

_"You got the money?"_

_"It's on the counter, in the jar," She muttered. I went to the counter and opened the gray canister that said 'Sugar'. I remembered the jar, it was where she always had kept her money. I think it must have been the only thing she had left of her mother. The 'Coffee' canister had been lost in an argument in __Fresno__ with my dad and the 'Flour' one had been broken when Trey was hopped up on PCP a couple of years ago. I counted the money she owed me and stuffed the few spare dollars back into the jar. _

_When I turned around to look at her, she'd opened the bag and chopped up a fat line of powder on the table. She held out her hand to me, clearly needing something. I peeled a dollar off the wad in my pocket and passed it to her. She rolled up the bill with one hand and put it up her nose before lowering her face to the table. She inhaled and the line disappeared. She rubbed her finger on the table for the spare powder and rubbed it on her gums. _

_I realized that I couldn't go back. She looked at me with those pale blue eyes and smiled. _

_I couldn't do this by myself. I wasn't strong enough to watch this. _

_"Do you want a hit?"_

_"Fuck you."_

_She recoiled. "Baby, don't be like that…come on," She said, recovering. She shook out a small mound of coke. "You look like you need it."_

_And I did. I needed something. I was hard, I was cold, but I didn't know if I was hard enough for this. _

_She held out the bill and I took it. It was still rolled tightly and I put it in my nose like I'd always seen. I inhaled the powder. It made me strong. I could do this. _

_So when Eddie and I walked into Harris' that day, I was strong. I was cold, hard and in control. The coke gave me control. It gave me purpose again. _

_Harris was by himself. He must have known we were coming. We'd taken over his streets. His boys, the people that should have been there to have his back, were nowhere to be seen. _

_"What's up, kid?" Harris called from his couch. He stayed in a small apartment over a shitty little bar. _

_"We need to talk." It was pretty amazing what the coke did for my confidence. I wasn't scared of this punk. I didn't care that he was at least 20 years older than me, I was in charge. I'd taken his profit, I'd taken his customers, now I just needed to take him out of the picture. _

_"What's up?" His eyes flickered to Eddie. Eddie nodded back toward me. I was in charge. _

_"I appreciate all the hard work you've put in around here. But it's over. I'm taking over."_

_He stood up after a long moment. "You're taking over? What the hell, kid?" He walked toward me. I stopped Eddie from intervening. This was my fight. This was my chance to really make a place for my child. If I had his business, all his business, I would have all the money a kid could ever want. Harris walked until he was face to face with me. I could smell his breath. _

_"I'm taking over. This is your warning." My voice didn't shake. I wasn't scared. I almost wanted him to jump me, so I could release some of this fucking anger. _

_"Warning? What the fuck, kid, you just moved into town, you can't be serious…"_

_I punched him. I didn't even think about it, I just wanted to hit him. I felt the flesh give way under my fist and when I glanced at my hand, it was bloody. He staggered back, putting his hands over his face. _

_"Ryan…"_

_"Don't use my fucking name," I snapped. No one used my name, they called me 'kid', my mom didn't even use my name. He should have known better. I lunged again and started to pound the bastard. _

_I heard my words but I don't remember thinking about them. They just echoed through my head between punches. "You are going to get out of town. You're done here. I'm taking over. You're too old, too burned out to do this. You're going to get the hell out of here."_

_"Ryan." Eddie's voice startled me and I stopped. Both my fists were bloody. _

_"You don't know anything," Harris muttered through his bloody lips. _

_I reached in my pocket and pulled out the butterfly knife that Eddie had given me. It used to be Trey's. I flipped it skillfully and before he knew what was happening, I stuck it in his shoulder. _

_I was strong. I'd never been this powerful. I could kill him. He was afraid of me. I could kill him. _

_"Please…" He whispered now. His eyes were bright with fear and pain. Blood was gushing from his nose, from his shoulder. "Please don't kill me…"_

_"You are going to leave…" I pulled the blade out. It was slick with blood and it slid out a lot easier than it went in. I raised my hand again and he whimpered. He was like an animal. I slid the knife into his leg. I didn't slide it in, I stuck it in. He cried out. _

_"Please…"_

_"Ryan, man, come on…" Eddie said quietly._

_I pulled the knife out, wiped it on his shirt and flipped it back to its safe position before returning it to my pocket. _

_"You're leaving, right?"_

_"I'll go…" _

_"Good. Nice doing business with you."_

"So what about Roxie?"

_I'd started meeting business associates at this strip club a few streets down from the house Teresa had picked out. The manager, Pete, was a steady customer, he kept his girls happy with free drugs that he'd buy from me. I liked the atmosphere, the ladies were pretty to look at and I was free to cut up coke on the table in the VIP room, there were no cops that would set foot in this place. Bikers and junkies, but no cops. _

_I hadn't been interested in sex since I'd been using the coke. I used to use sex as a release, a way to rid myself of all the pent up emotion and passion. But I didn't have any emotion, I didn't have any passion left. I was a criminal, a thug. _

_The punk that owed me money actually showed up and paid me what he owed me. I gave him a couple of ounces of coke so he could make his money, too, and we made a tentative meeting for the next day so he could pay me for the new trade. _

_I usually didn't pay much attention to the dancers. I mean, I wasn't blind, I saw the naked ladies and most of them were very attractive, it just never seemed right to stare. Pete had told me that he'd wanted me to see this one girl's show. He said that he'd thought we'd get along. _

_I knew that some of his girls would turn tricks to get by. I didn't want to get involved with a hooker, I'd never needed to go to a prostitute to get laid. Shit, if all I wanted to do was get laid I could go home and Teresa would gladly fuck me. But I didn't want her. I didn't want anyone. I didn't need anyone. _

_I heard the announcer talking about the next act and I glanced up to order another drink. I recognized the song, it was something Seth used to play. Loud and pounding. Roxie walked out. She was barely dressed when she stepped out, fishnet stockings held up by black garters. Black leather bra that was a size too small. She didn't wear a skirt or pants, but a thong instead. She was pale white, like she was wearing makeup on every part of her exposed skin. She caught my gaze. She didn't smile. But she definitely saw me. _

_I don't know what it was about her, but I realized that I wanted her. She didn't walk, she strutted. She owned the stage. The men hooted and howled and she just took their money. She didn't care about them. She was beyond the dirty old men in the club. One of them waved a twenty at her and she stepped off the stage and walked over to him, accepting his cash and unclasping her bra with one hand as she started on his lap dance. She had so many piercings that she seemed to sparkle in the lights. Her nipples were pierced, her nose, her eyebrow, her lip, everything. I'd never seen anything like it. She was beautiful. _

_"Hey, kid. That's Roxie, that's the chick I've been telling you about," Pete said as he set my drink on my table. _

_"Roxie."_

_"You want to meet her?"_

_"Is she working?"_

_"Oh, she's not one of my hos, she's just a little party girl," Pete responded. He waved his hands and caught Roxie's attention. She nodded to him. "She'll come over after her turn on stage is over."_

_I nodded my appreciation. I didn't watch her dance anymore. I wasn't interested in the way she danced. I was interested the way she'd taste, the way she'd feel. I drained my drink and before I could motion for another, I saw her approaching. By now, she was only wearing the stilettos and her thong. She walked with confidence, she knew she was pretty. _

_She was breathless from her performance and she was carrying a bottle of my favorite whiskey. She didn't sit down, she set the bottle on the table and started to straddle me. _

_"I don't want you to dance," I said. _

_"What?" She seemed surprised. I'd glimpsed the tongue ring when she opened her mouth. _

_"I don't want you to dance." She didn't move, she simply stood beside me as if awaiting instructions. I took her hand. She didn't flinch, she just watched. I ran my fingers up her bare arm. She was wearing makeup. Her flesh was painted with tattoos. She shuddered as I ran my hand back down her arm, stopping at her wrist. _

_"What do you want me to do? I'm not…"_

_"Shh." I didn't want her to talk, either. I just wanted to look at her. She seemed amused by my examination. She pulled her hand away from me and turned in place, holding out her arms. _

_I leaned back in my chair and topped off my whiskey. She stopped and walked over. _

_"You can sit down if you want," I motioned beside me with my glass. She nodded and sat down on my lap before I could stop her. _

_"This seat's better."_

_"Roxie."_

_"'That's my name. You…" She started. _

_But I kissed her. She was so close to me, sitting in my lap and I just had to taste her. _

_"You taste good," She finished when we finally separated. _

_"Thanks. You, too."_

_"So. You like me."_

_"I think I do. You want to get out of here?" _

_She seemed hesitant at first, I saw her confidence flicker. _

_"I won't hurt you…"_

_"But I might hurt you," She smiled, kissing me again. _

_"That sounds interesting," I grinned when she let me breathe again. _

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I don't even know what to say. When he walked in, he was so quiet that we didn't even notice. He has spent his life learning how to be under the radar and he has none of the energy and noise that comes with being a Cohen.

So he said he needed to tell us what he'd done in Chino. The whole time he's speaking, I'm watching him. Mom and Dad are staring at him from across the counter and I'm sitting beside him.

He speaks slowly and quietly but we're hanging on every word. He doesn't say much, but he says enough that I can get visuals that I never wanted to get.

He tells us that Teresa's mom kicked them out. He tells us that he saw his mom cracked out at an underground card game. I understand all that. I can see it. I can just imagine what seeing his mom must have done to him. But as he continues, he tells us that his mother introduced him to her drug dealer. That he let Eddie back into their lives to pacify Teresa. That he sold cocaine to his mother. That he snorted his first line with his mother. That he stabbed a man.

And I don't know what to say.

Ryan's my brother. I look at him, sitting beside me with his whole body shaking, his pierced face and shaggy platinum hair. But I don't know him. He was right. I don't know who he's become. But the saddest part is, I don't think he knows either. It's almost like he shut off all his emotions and simply stopped caring when he left.

Mom's been crying since he told us about his mother at the card game. He didn't stop talking when her choked sobs became muffled in Dad's shirt. He didn't stop talking when the tears started streaking down my dad's face after he told us about the Harris guy.

Now that he's finished, the kitchen is silent except for Mom's sobs. I almost hope she didn't hear what he's said through her tears but I know she did.

Ryan's shaking worse now than when he started talking. He's quiet. He hasn't looked at any of us since he started, he's just staring at his hands. His hands are flat against the counter and I don't think he realizes that just because he's keeping his hands steady, it's not stopping his whole body from shaking. By the time he told us about Roxie, his voice was trembling.

And I still can't say anything.

"I'm sorry. I don't deserve your help. I thought you should know everything…I'm going to let you guys get back to your discussion…" He stands up and walks through the door to the patio. He's wearing boots but I swear that he doesn't make a sound. I watch him sit down on the edge of one of the pool chairs. He doesn't relax, he simply teeters on the edge of the chair. He puts his elbows on his knees and leans forward, finally settling with his face in his hands.

Mom and Dad are silent. I turn to them and open my mouth to speak, but I can't say anything.

"Seth…"

"Did you know all that? Did Eddie tell you all that?" I have to know if they knew.

"No. Not all that. He…he hinted at a lot but…but I don't think Eddie realized, I don't think Eddie knew about…" Dad starts. He glances over at Mom and stops talking. She's wiping her face but the tears still come.

"But…"

"Seth, let's just take a minute to get ourselves back together, okay?" Dad says quietly.

I glance out of the window. He's still sitting there with his face in his hands. He's not even smoking, he's just sitting there. I wonder what the hell he's thinking about.

"Seth, I'm not sure that you should have heard all that," Dad says after a long pause.

"I needed to hear it. He needed to tell it. He's right. He's…he's changed. He's not the same friend I knew…"

"Seth…"

"What? Are you going to deny it after what you just heard? He's a…he's a criminal now. He's…he's harder and he's colder…and I can't say that it's all his fault, but…but it's who he is now…"

"Seth, stop it," Dad snaps, anger flashing on his face.

"No, Dad! He just told us everything, he just admitted that he…that he did unspeakable things, unforgivable things and…"

"He did what he had to do," Mom says suddenly. She's serious when she glances at Dad and then at me. "He's still Ryan. Somewhere, underneath all that coldness, he's still the boy we know and love."

Dad doesn't respond. He shakes his head.

"He didn't think he could come to us. He's so stubborn and stupid that he doesn't know how to ask for help. So he did the only things that he knew how to do to get by. I don't believe that he's cursed, I don't believe that he's damned to a life of crime because of his shitty parents. He has us now. I'm not going to abandon him. All he needs is a chance."

"Another chance," Dad mutters.

"Dad, what are you saying? You think we should kick him out? You think we should give up on him after all we've been through? We went to Chino and took him out of a hospital, we promised him that we loved him…"

"We do love him," Mom says.

"Dad?" I don't think I've ever seen him like this. He's lost. He's confused. Shit, I'm confused.

"We'll get him back. It's not going to be easy…but we have to try," He whispers, pulling my mother close to him again.

"He came to us and told us things that he never wanted us to hear. He's trying. He took the first step tonight…" Mom says.

I glance out the window again. Ryan still hasn't moved.

"We should say something to him." I get up and go to the door. "He probably thinks we hate him, we didn't even say anything…"

Mom rushes past me, she must know that we made a mistake. She opens the door and immediately hurries to his side.

"Ryan?"

He doesn't move. He doesn't respond. I walk up to stand beside my mother. She puts her hand on his shoulder and shakes him gently.

"He's sleeping. He fell asleep…" How could he fall asleep after telling us all that? Does it really mean nothing to him? Does he even care what we think? Does he care about the people he hurt?

"He's exhausted." She gently pulls at the hands covering his face.

Ryan gasps, pulling away from her touch and glancing around in panic as he leans back in the chair and almost flips it over. I step back, scared that he's going to lash out.

"Ryan, it's okay, you're still safe, okay?" Mom doesn't react, she simply leans forward and takes his face in her hands and makes him look at her. "You're still okay…"

"I'm sorry…" He whispers, still startled from getting woken up. His blue eyes look around in fear, as if he's still confused about where he is.

"Let's get you back inside. It's too cold for you to be out here without a jacket," She says, putting her hand around his arm and pulling him to his feet.

"You…"

"Come on, Ryan. You're exhausted. Let's get you back to bed. We'll talk more when you're steadier." Mom takes charge, giving me a comforting look and leading Ryan back into the house. He obeys her silently, letting her tell him what to do.

He's not the same kid I knew. But he would never hurt us. He'd do anything to protect the people he cares about. He loved us enough to tell us the truth. Now we have to see if we love him enough to handle it.

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	5. 5

_AN: Sorry for the delay, this chapter was damned hard. Thanks to Jo, Iceworm and Maud for previewing and helping me along with this. Hope it's up to par. Lyrics belong to Scott Weiland and Velvet Revolver. Stay clean, Scott._

* * *

_"...Fell to pieces  
I'm still falling..."_

It's definitely different now. The truth has not set me free, it's only increased the tension to an almost tangible state. I can feel their uneasiness like a coating over everything. I can almost taste Seth's disgust. He hasn't spoken to me since my impromptu confessional last night.

After Kirsten escorted me to bed and watched me take 2 sleeping pills, I slept soundly. I only woke up about a half hour ago.

Seth's sitting at my bedside. He's been watching me since I sat up. I spoke to him but he just nodded. I'm too tired to try again.

Fuck it, I'm scared.

I never wanted him to see. I'd rather he find my dead-ass body in a ditch than have him know the things I told him last night.

I don't know why I told them. Yes, I do.

They deserved to know. And I deserve their hatred. I don't deserve their mercy.

But I'm dying without it. I love the Cohens more than anything. And Seth is the only true friend I've ever had.

I don't know if I can handle what I've done to him.

"Let's talk," He says suddenly. "Let's have a mature, adult conversation."

I nod.

Seth pulls his lanky legs into the chair and sits cross-legged comfortably. But his brown eyes are veiled. I can't read him anymore. I have no idea what he's thinking. "I don't want to hurt your feelings or anything but I want to talk to you. Honestly. So don't get upset but I really need you to be honest, too. I'm going to be honest and then we'll both be honest and say totally honest things to each other…"

"Seth."

"Let's take all the emotion out of this and talk to each other honestly. Without taking anything to heart," He clarifies.

I can tell already that this is going to be painful. Oh god.

"I know you can be cold," He starts quietly. "I've seen you fucking lose it and pound people, like, Oliver and Luke, but…but you always felt remorse…"

"Remorse?" He wants honesty. "I'd fucking pound that punk Oliver again, I don't regret a single swing."

He shakes his head at me. "I just don't understand how you could become everything you hate."

"What?"

"You're a junkie alcoholic criminal. I know it's harsh but it's what I fucking see when I look at you."

I wish I had a cigarette. My final request would be for a full flavor menthol.

"Ryan…"

"I'm glad you can see it now, too. I'm sorry, Seth." God, I'm so sorry. I won't look at him.

"Why don't you take off?" Seth asks quietly.

"Do you want me to go?" My voice doesn't tremble. But I can't look at him.

"No. I don't. I want you to stay. But I…why are you staying?" He leans forward. "You're a fucking street thug, you could attack me, beat up Dad and just skip town…"

"I would never hurt you…" What is he talking about? Does he really think I would do that?

"Really?" He snaps. He puts his feet down hard on the floor and leans forward, gripping my wrists tightly with his hand and forcing me to look him in the face. "Because you're fucking killing me right now…" He releases me and leans back in his chair, flushed.

I won't look at him.

"How could you do this to yourself? You know how much it hurts to get beat up, but you'll do that to some kid? You'll sell the same drugs that ruined your childhood? You'll give your mother…God, Ryan, she's your mom…" He whispers.

Breathe. I'll just breathe. The words are true and they hurt more than any fist or knife or bullet.

"Stop it. Stop it, Ryan…" He has my wrists and I see my bloody hands. My nails have cut my palms again and I hadn't even realized that I was clenching my fists. He pulls at my fingers as I try to relax. "Don't distract yourself from the truth, you have to face it…" He says loudly.

"Seth, let go…" Sandy's voice startles us both. "What's going on?"

Seth releases me. He steps away and turns his back to me.

"I'm sorry. I cut my hands."

Worry flutters across Sandy's face. "We're going to make you wear mittens," He jokes as Kirsten walks in.

"What did you say to him?" Kirsten asks her son. She puts an arm around Seth's shoulders.

I don't want him to apologize. He told me the truth. He's clearer than any mirror. I slowly lower my feet to the floor and ignore Sandy's worried voice. I walk to the bathroom and step inside, turning on the tap on the sink.

My blood swirls down the drain. Red crimson swirling around the porcelain basin. Blood on my hands. I'll never bleed enough to repent. I'll never rid my veins of my sins.

The water lightens to pink as steam starts to form.

"Ryan."

The water is scalding when Sandy finally reaches past me and turns off the knob.

"You're okay." He takes my hands and turns me around to face him. There's a first aid sitting beside me on the sink.

"You're definitely accident prone," He mutters as he presses two small gauze pads to my palm before wrapping a long stretch of tape around my hands to secure them. He does the same to my other hand.

"That's the best I can do at short notice." He holds out a pair of fingernail clippers.

I sit down on the closed lid of the toilet and focus on my fingernails. There's barely enough for me to clip but after a few minutes, Sandy seems to accept my work.

"You need to eat."

"I don't think I can eat." I have to tell him. I'll get sick if he makes me eat right now.

"Why?"

My stomach is boiling.

"Ryan, does your stomach hurt or are you just not hungry?"

"I just…I can't eat as much as you guys keep feeding me…"

"Your ulcer."

I'd forgotten about that.

"I'm sorry. We haven't really been thinking about that. You should have said something…"

"It's okay, I'm fine…I just can't eat right now."

Seth appears, his face still flushed with emotion. He tosses something at me and I catch it instinctively. A red rubber ball.

"Seth, what…" Sandy starts.

"He can squeeze that instead of hurting himself…" Seth says quietly.

"Thanks." It's a nice gesture.

"Don't throw it in the house, though. Rosa gets really mad," Seth adds before leaving.

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Kirsten has taken Seth for a drive but Ryan hasn't relaxed since they left.

He's just sitting on the bed squeezing the ball that Seth gave him.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

He shakes his head at me. "Can I smoke?"

I stand up and he immediately falls into step behind me. Once we step outside, he seems to revive slightly, breathing deeply. But his eyes are still dull. He lights the cigarette. He clenches the ball tensely with his other hand.

"Nothing's changed, you know." I've had all night to think about it. Kirsten and I hadn't slept, we'd talked. Ryan deserves forgiveness. He deserves another chance. Forgiveness. He'd trusted us enough to be honest. We'd promised him a family and now we had to come through.

"You're still a part of our family and we're going to help you."

He sighs and smoke drifts from his nose and mouth.

"Ryan."

"I'm not going anywhere," He says quietly.

"For how long? How long are you going to last here?"

He stares at me.

"Because you look a little shaky. Like you're going to run."

"I'm not going to run," He whispers. I can't read what's behind his eyes. But whatever my son said to him seems to have shattered him.

"But you are a little shaky, right?"

He glances at me and then takes a couple of steps away from me. He turns and before I know what he's doing he's puking in the bushes beside the poolhouse. I go to his side as he's leaning over and when I put my hand on his back, he shudders. He heaves again.

"You haven't even eaten today…" But it's useless. It looks like everything he's eaten since he's been home is coming back up. His ulcer must be killing him since he got here. But he hasn't said anything. I had no idea that he was in such pain.

Finally, he spits to clear his mouth and seems to recover. "I'm sorry about that."

"Don't worry about it. Put that cigarette out and come inside." I soften my tone. He's in no shape to listen to another lecture no matter how much he needs it.

"You can't keep tiptoeing around me," He says with a shaking voice.

"Is that what Seth did? He stopped tiptoeing around you?"

"Yeah. He did. And I'm glad. It's time all of you stopped treating me like a damaged kid and started treating me like what I am," He finally meets my gaze with sluggish blue eyes.

"And what are you?" I'm interested to know how he categorizes himself.

"I'm a criminal, Sandy. I'm a junkie alcoholic criminal," He says, straightening his body and forcing himself to relax. His hand clenches the ball tightly. We're going to have to give him another ball for his other hand. I try not to think about his words.

"Why do you say that, Ryan?"

"It's true. Don't you see it?"

"I did." I'm not going to lie to him. "I saw it. But I don't see it now. I see you."

"You see me."

"I see Ryan. I see you."

He doesn't meet my gaze, he keeps his eyes focused on the ball in his hand. "How can you see what's not there anymore?"

I take his shoulders and shake him. I wish I could shake some sense into him. "You are still here."

"No, Sandy, I'm not. When I said I walked away from all this, I meant it. I walked away from everything, even…even who I was. I became someone else. I can't go back. I'm not meant to go back…"

"Ryan, you can't just walk away from who you are. No matter how many tattoos you get or how much you try to desensitize yourself with drugs, you're still going to be Ryan Atwood…"

He glances at me and something flickers in his eyes. I only notice it because it's rare that I can see real emotion from him. "You're still tiptoeing around me."

"No, Ryan. I love you. You're my son…"

"Why would you claim a son like this? No one claimed the kid I was before, why do you want me now? Like this? I just…I just…"

He can't get the words out. I can see that he's really trying, his face is twisted in thought but he can't find his voice.

"Let's go inside."

"No, Sandy, stop placating me…" He snaps, pulling away from my grasp. I hold my hands up to show him that I'm not going to hurt him. I won't let him see that I'm afraid of him. He's so jumpy, I can feel the tension. He wants to run. He takes a couple of steps and freezes, glancing back and forth across the patio. He's like a trapped animal and I'm just his keeper. I force myself not to let my panic show.

He stops cold and his shoulders slump as he seems to realize that he's spooked me.

"I'm sorry," He murmurs, the ball dropping from his hand and rolling across the patio until it comes to a stop under a chair.

"It's okay…"

"No, it's not. But I am sorry, Sandy." He looks at me with pained eyes. "You know…you know that I'd never hurt you…"

"I know…"

"Because I wouldn't…not intentionally…I would never hurt your family, you guys…that's why I had to go, I never wanted you to see…"

"Well, kid, we saw."

He shakes his head. "I don't think I should be here anymore, Sandy. You feel it, too. Seth…he knows…"

"We're not letting you go anywhere, Ryan, not again, it didn't work last time and I'll be damned if we'll cut you loose again…" I'm a little confused as to his train of thought. He's actually asking me if he can leave. Doesn't he see that we love him?

He's shaking so much that he can't light his cigarette so I take the lighter from him.

"Inside. Now. Come on, you're upset and you need to lie down…"

"Don't put me in a cage, Sandy…I…I'm not running…just don't make me go back in the dark yet…I need some air..." His voice is barely a whisper. I walk over and pick up the ball and hold it out to him.

"We'll walk. You want to walk?"

He takes the ball. He nods.

Maybe what he needs is silence.

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I know he's upset when I see Kirsten parked in my driveway. I don't even ask him what he wants, I just take him in my arms and rub my hands on his back.

He's been crying. If it was any boy except Cohen, I'd be turned off but he's so sad.

"What is it, baby?"

"I…he's not the same…"

"Oh, honey, I know…but he's still Ryan…it's going to be okay…"

"He's…god, you should have heard him, Summer…"

Something's happened since I left him earlier. He knows something. He was full of hope when I left, he was so sure that Chino was going to get better that I should have known it wouldn't last.

"Summer, can you get him home later?" Kirsten's voice is patient from her car.

"Sure, Kirsten." I lead him by the hand into my house.

"Where's your Dad?" He asks.

"Out of town with the stepmom. It's just you and me tonight."

He's relieved. He sits down on the couch and I flip on the TV for background noise.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I don't know why I even ask, Cohen talks about everything. It's one of the reasons that I love him so much, there're no uncomfortable silences between us.

"No. I need…I need to think first…can I just hold you?"

I lean against him and he holds me close. I rest my head on his chest. I can hear his heart beating rapidly.

"I don't know what I'd do if I had lost you, too," He whispers.

"You didn't. I'm right here."

"Ryan's still gone. Even though he's sitting at my house right now…he's still gone, Summer."

"What happened? Did you guys have a fight?"

"He…he said he had to be honest with us last night and he told us…he told us a lot of stuff that he had done in Chino. He stabbed this guy…he sold drugs to his mom…he's just…he's a criminal…"

"Cohen, he's still Ryan…he was a criminal when you first met him…"

"His brother tried to steal a car, it's not the same as him stabbing some drug dealer to take over his turf," He replies in my ear.

"I know. But to Ryan, it's probably just the next step." I don't get up, I know he's listening and I like the feeling of his arms around me. I don't need to look at him. "He's not from here, Seth. He probably thinks about dealing and gambling just like we think about getting dressed up and going to formals with our parents. He lived a different life. His family taught him different things and once it gets down to it…he has to rely on what he knows."

"His mom taught him how to do coke. He said he did his first line with his mom."

I sigh. I wish I didn't believe it but from what I've heard about Chino's family, I don't doubt it.

"What kind of person could sell drugs to his mom?"

"What kind of mom would do drugs with her kid? God, Seth, she's never been a mom to him. I know he loves her, but she's never been a mom to him…"

He sighs. "I know it's not all his fault…"

"He just made a choice. One choice, Seth to support his child come hell or high water…It's like he gave up his life to take care of Teresa's baby…"

"I know…I know all that, but I still…I can't believe that he'd go this far…"

I stroke his face with my hand. "He's still Ryan. Who else could've done so much in such a short time? I'm sure in Chino, he's considered some sort of genius…"

"I know…I just…"

"You have to come to terms with it. Just think about how he's feeling. Ryan's not a bad guy, but he's been pulling off an awesome act lately. He's got to be struggling now that your family's dragged him back to Newport…"

"You think we should have left him alone?"

"No, Cohen. He needs you. He needs someone to take care of him, he's never had that, I don't think." I want him to understand. I sit up and turn to face him. "Your parents have always been there for you. You've always had money, you've always had a safety net. Ryan hasn't. He's never had an emergency credit card or a triple A membership. He's never had money or any kind of safety net. He managed to get a house, get lots of money and take care of Teresa and her child. He did exactly what he said he was going to do."

"The ends justify the means?"

"I just want you to understand."

"Do you understand?"

"To a point."

"Tell me," He whispers.

I take his hands and he's waiting for me to explain. I hope I can. "I don't hate Ryan. Do you hate him?"

"No…"

"That's a start. Okay. So if you didn't have your parents, if it was just you and me and I was pregnant…how would you support me? You're seventeen, no GED, no diploma, no experience. Let's say you have no job options and I'm getting bigger, the baby's getting bigger and we have no help…"

"I wouldn't…"

"Because you wouldn't even know where to start. Face it, Cohen, you and I have no real world experience. Without our safety nets, we'd be lost. Just like Ryan. And…and with the choice he made, first gambling and stuff and then the progression into drugs…it's a natural progression for someone like him. The money…it's not important to him, but he needs it. It's the only thing he could grab hold to…"

"Okay, Summer. I get it. But…"

"Somewhere, under all that anger and pain, all that crime, as you put it, Ryan's still there. I know it. You know it, too."

He nods. Something flashes on his face. "I have to talk to him."

"Are you sure?"

"I…I was awful to him, Summer."

"You can't change the way you feel, Cohen. I'm sure you weren't awful to him…"

"I upset him…"

"He understands. It's Ryan, Seth. He'd do anything for you. He'd do anything for the people that care about him. Look how much he gave up for Teresa?"

"Take me home?"

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I don't know where Sandy has gone with Ryan but I hope everything's okay. I know that Sandy will watch him and make sure he's safe and not running off but I still worry.

Ryan won't hurt Sandy. He won't hurt any of us. He only hurts himself.

I've been on the phone since I dropped Seth off at his girlfriend's. Summer takes good care of him and she's been giving me and Sandy constant support, too. She's a great girl.

Marissa's been calling for updates, too. She doesn't want us to tell Ryan.

After Ryan left for Chino, Marissa had been through some rough times. She had started drinking and using drugs regularly until something changed. Marissa had snapped out of her depression and started going to meetings. I didn't even know until Hailey brought her home from an NA meeting.

Marissa has turned her life around. She counsels teenagers at a shelter right outside Newport. She confessed to me the night Hailey brought her home that she cleaned up her life because of Ryan. She didn't want him to blame himself for her problems and she said that she got cleaned up to prove something to him. That she could do it on her own. That she could be good enough for him someday.

I wish I could tell Ryan, but Marissa insists that it won't be good for his recovery. I don't want them to start another relationship, the shaky one they started never sat well with me, but I'd like him to see how far she's come. She's okay now.

He'll be okay, too. Seeing Marissa gives me hope.

I've been on the phone with counselors and doctors and nutritionists since I have the house to myself. Several of them recommended an inpatient facility, they say that only intense therapy can help Ryan. But I won't let him out of my sight again. Look what happened at the hospital. He's staying with us. I have enough money to pay for housecalls.

Marissa has recommended some counselors from her rehab center and one of them is coming over tonight. I know Ryan will hate it and he won't say anything but I have to do something. Tomorrow, I've already arranged for a doctor to see him followed by a nutrition consult so we can get some meat on him.

He's so thin. He's so frail.

Seth's trying so hard to get him back but he doesn't see that Ryan's changed. I don't really know what to say to him, I just drove him around and ended up at Summer's. I think she can get through to him more than I can. Sandy and I let him down. We let Ryan go and I don't know if Seth will ever fully forgive us. I know he loves us, but I think he blames us, too. He blames himself just as much.

Both my sons are in pain and I can't do anything about it. But I'll be damned if I'll stop trying.

I hear the front door close and know that Sandy's home. He walks into the kitchen with Ryan following silently.

"Hey," Sandy smiles, kissing me softly on the cheek.

"Hey. Where've you guys been off to?"

"Walking," He replies. Ryan doesn't look at me. Sandy turns to him. "You can go lie down, kid."

Ryan nods and disappears.

"We've been forcing him to eat too much. He admitted that he can't eat as much as we're feeding him. His ulcer is bothering him, he threw up on your flowers outside," Sandy fills me in quietly as he takes the seat beside me. "But he's still talking. He says he wants us to stop tiptoeing around him."

"Tiptoeing?"

"Evidently, Seth got pretty harsh with him today. Ryan…he's upset but he appreciates Seth being up front with him. I don't know exactly what was said…but he's…he asked if he could go…"

"And?"

"He asked, Kirsten. He won't hurt us, the only reason he's here is because he doesn't want to upset us," Sandy sighs. "But he asked. He's…he's trying."

"I know. Now it's our turn." I put my notes in front of him. I've got a counselor coming over tonight."

"Marissa's friend?"

"Yeah. She's really nice. She's from Riverside so she might have a different perspective, I thought maybe he would be more likely to talk to her than someone else. Tomorrow, I'm going to take him to the doctor and to see a nutritionist so we can figure out how to start getting him healthy again."

"God, Kirsten…you did all this while…"

"Hey guys," Seth says, walking in with Summer.

He looks better than when I left him. Calmer. I give Summer a grateful smile.

"Where's Ryan?"

"Lying down. We made a few laps around the development. He went through half a pack before he agreed to come back…"

"To come back?" Seth asks, worried.

"He just needed some air, Seth. He's fine. He's not going anywhere," Sandy replies.

Seth nods, clearly relieved. "I'm going to go talk to him."

"Don't upset him," I say automatically. Sandy puts his hand on my arm.

"It's okay. He's not going to break, Kirsten. We have to be honest with him. If we're upset and we don't tell him, he's still going to know but he's not going to know why."

He's right. "Sorry. No tiptoeing, right."

"I won't upset him. I didn't mean…"

"The ball was a good idea, Seth," Sandy says. "He's using it. When we were walking, he'd bounce it ahead of him and it seemed to relax him. It helped, son. You're helping."

Seth nods. "So. I can see him?"

"Go ahead, Seth."

----- - -- ----- -- ----- - - ---- - -- -- - - ----- - - -- -- -- -- - ----- --- - - -- --- -- - - --- --- ----- ---- - - - - ---- -- - ---- - --- -- ----

Summer's with me. I didn't even ask her to come in with me, but it's clear by the way she's holding my hand that she's not going anywhere.

I hesitate outside his door.

"Go on, Seth."

I have to make things right. I have to apologize about the things I said, I shouldn't have talked to him without thinking things through first.

Ryan wasn't himself when he was in Chino and I wasn't myself when I talked to him earlier.

I knock softly with my free hand. There's no answer so I push the door open.

The water is running in the bathroom so I pull Summer in beside me so we can wait.

"You want me to leave you alone?"

"Can you…will you wait for me?"

"I'll be in the kitchen with your parents." She kisses my cheek softly and doesn't let go of my hand until she's in the hallway. She smiles at me when she closes the door.

I sit down in the chair beside his bed and wait for him to emerge. After the water turns off, it's dead quiet. I don't hear anything so I go to the door and knock softly. "Ryan?"

He doesn't answer.

He's not an invalid. He's not suicidal. But I have to make sure. I push on the door and it opens.

He's standing in front of the mirror, staring at himself. There's a small dish on the sink and I see several shiny objects setting in the dish. His piercings.

"Ryan?"

"Your parents hate them. You hate them. It's a start, I guess…" He says quietly, not moving. He's staring at himself. He slowly takes his hands and twists the ring out of his eyebrow, dropping it into the dish.

"Can we talk?"

"I'm listening," He murmurs, methodically removing the studs from his ears.

I can't stop watching him. He sticks his tongue out and uses both hands to unscrew the tongue stud. He holds it in his hand and puts the ball back on it before dropping it into the dish.

"Did Roxie like that?"

His gaze flickers to me in the mirror.

"Sorry."

"Yeah. She did. I don't want to talk about her," He mumbles.

"You probably don't want to talk to me at all after this morning…"

"Thanks, Seth. You were honest with me. It helped. I'm sorry that I freaked…but I'm really…I'm struggling here, you know?"

"I know. It must be hard for you to just walk back here and start pretending that you're still the boy that left us a few months ago. It's hard for us, too."

"That's why I never wanted this to happen."

"You wanted it. You always wanted to come home…you know you did. The whole time you were in Chino, you knew you didn't belong there. That's why no matter what you did, how far you went, you weren't happy. You were in the wrong place, Ryan."

He gives me a slight tilt of the head to show me that he's heard me.

"Ryan…" I have to get through to him.

He turns to face me. "Better?"

"What?"

"Is this better?" He motions toward his face. The holes are barely noticeable and he's got his shaggy hair brushed out of his face so I can see it clearly.

"It's now about the outside, Ryan." I look into his eyes. His eyes were always the only way to see what he was thinking and even though he rarely showed anything, if I'm going to see a difference, it's going to be in his eyes.

"I'm trying, Seth…" He whispers, lowering his gaze. But I saw what I needed to see.

I reach out and touch his shoulder and see that he's still shaking. I pull him into an embrace. He doesn't move, like he's frozen, but I have to do this. I don't care that we're both men, he's my brother and he fucking needs a hug whether he knows it or not.

"You don't have to take out the piercings if you don't want to, Ryan."

"I know."

"So, you want to take them out?" I ask once I take a step back. He seems unsteady without my arms around him.

"I…I don't care, Seth. It…"

"What do you care about?"

He met my gaze after a long pause. "I care about you and your parents."

"What about yourself?"

He opens his mouth to speak but turns away. He won't lie to me.

"Dude, if I've learned anything about you from this little trip you've been on…it's that you are capable of anything."

He flinches like I've hurt him.

"No…what I mean is, you can do anything you put your mind to, so I know that you can stay here and be…you can be okay again." I reach for him and he shudders from my touch. "Dude…"

"I'm sorry, it's crowded in here…can we?" He motions to the door. I step back and he hurries past me.

I'd thought that I was getting through to him but he's stricken.

He sits down on the bed and I see that he's picked up the ball again and he's squeezing it. "Sorry…" He starts. "I thought I was claustrophobic after juvie, but…being strapped down in that hospital has me bugged out…"

Oh. I haven't considered that.

"Thanks, Seth…"

Why is he thanking me? "I'm really sorry…"

"Stop," He murmurs, waving his hand. "You have never done anything to me that warrants an apology."

He's trembling again. He's always trembling. I wish I could make him stop but it's like it courses through him. I have to get used to it.

"Will you take me outside? I need to smoke…and I don't think I'm supposed to be unsupervised…"

Even though we're out of the bathroom, I can tell that the room is closing in on him, too. He's gripping the ball tightly and I can see as he clenches and unclenches his fist that he's getting even more agitated.

"Summer's here, too, Ryan. Why don't you put on your swimsuit and we'll veg out in the Jacuzzi for a while?" It's outside and Ryan has always loved the hot tub.

He hesitates and lowers his gaze. His hair immediately shields his eyes. The platinum has started to grow out and I can see a little of his blond roots. Now that's he's got the piercings out, I know Mom's going to start with the hair next. "You think…"

"Come on, man…you have to learn how to be social. You need to relax…"

He squeezes the ball but doesn't look up. "Will you make sure it's okay with your parents?"

"Dude, why wouldn't it be?"

He sighs but doesn't elaborate. He runs his empty hand through his hair. "Will you just check?"

"Sure. Get changed, man."

He glances up at me again and I almost don't believe it when he smiles a little. Just a little twitch of the lips but I see Ryan. I get a glimpse of good, nice, safe Ryan and not his empty painted shell.

I find my parents in the kitchen. Summer's smile is beautiful with chocolate syrup on her lips from the sundae she's sharing with my parents.

"What's up?" She asks. I join them around the counter. They've filled a punch bowl with ice cream and strawberries and covered it with chocolate. Ice cream is the universal soul healer. At least for us.

"Ryan wants to smoke so I suggested that we get in the hot tub. He wanted me to ask you guys."

"That's good, right?" Summer asks. I put an arm around her and snag her spoon.

"It's fine, Seth, you know that. But make sure that he doesn't put his butts out in the Jacuzzi," Mom smiles. I think everyone's pretty upbeat about Ryan's first attempt at the hot tub.

Ryan steps in and has a towel over his shoulder. He's still wearing the black wife beater over black swim trunks. After Mom takes out the hair, she's going to go for the wardrobe. He has tattoos spiraling around his legs that I haven't see and one even twists around his ankle onto the top of his foot.

"Oh, honey, your face…" Mom smiles, pulling him into a hug. "It's nice to see you again."

Summer squeezes me with a grin as Ryan exhales and smiles, his gaze lowered.

"No butts out in the hot tub, per Mom."

I've obviously said something wrong because everyone starts to laugh. Even Ryan's smile widens a little and I glimpse his teeth.

"What did you say?" He asks.

"No butts out…oh, well, you know what I mean…" He smiles again and seems to relax a little. He's more relaxed than I've seen him since he's been home. He's smiling for god's sake, even though it was only for a second, it's enough for me.

"I've got my suit in the car," Summer says. She kisses my cheek as she hops off the stool. I take her seat and spoon a strawberry into my mouth. Ryan sits down beside me as my parents move to the opposite side of the counter.

"Ryan, we've got someone coming by later that we'd like you to try and talk to."

He glances at me and I see that something's changed. We're slowly breaking through the walls because he's looking for to guide him. He trusts me again. I think. I hope. Almost immediately he lowers his gaze to the counter in front of Mom and Dad.

"Okay. The shrink in Chino wasn't that bad…I'll try it."

"Thank you. We're going to talk to her first, to make sure she's…to make sure she's right for you," Dad says slowly.

"So…so you want me to stay here?"

I must've been wrong about thinking about the walls because I have no idea where that question is coming from. "Ryan, you know that…"

"No, I mean…I figured you guys would send me somewhere…" He attempts to explain, clearly regretting his phrasing. He's frustrated again and I see his knuckles turning white as he squeezes the ball.

Dad's got his arm around Mom's waist and I'm relieved to see them hopeful. They scared me last night. I scared myself. But Ryan's coming back. The friend I know seems to be fighting his way back to the surface.

"We want you close to us," Mom says slowly and evenly. It's like we're in a hostage negotiation because everyone is speaking so calmly. "You were gone too long. School, work, all of that is irrelevant right now. We'll get you well again and…"

"You shouldn't…" Ryan murmurs.

"Ryan. You are not a burden. You're family. You belong here. I didn't keep you out of jail just to lock you up in a hospital," Mom says.

His eyes study the counter. Finally he whispers, "Thanks."

Mom seems relieved. She smiles at Dad.

"Ryan, I know your stomach's bothering you," Dad says and sets several pills on the counter. "These should help. Tomorrow, Kirsten's got some doctor's appointments set up for you."

"Okay."

I can tell that his energy's waning and that he's getting overwhelmed again. He used to be able to handle any situation but he's too messed up right now to deal with more than one thing at a time.

"I'm going to go get my trunks on and I'll be back. I'll bring the CD player. You want to come pick out some CDs?"

He nods.


	6. 6

_AN: If it's any consolation, I thought I'd abandoned this story, too._

* * *

"_And as your fantasies are broken in two  
Did you really think this bloody road would  
Pave the way for you?  
You better turn around…" _

_-Jeff Buckley_

I change my clothes in the downstairs bathroom and Kirsten's standing outside the door as I emerge, offering me a robe.

"Thanks."

"We should be thanking you. You've really been there for Seth these past few days…you've been there for all of us. I just wanted you to know…that we appreciate it," she says, looking steadier than I've seen her in days. She believes that Ryan's getting better.

"Chino's a good guy. We'll get him back…" I pull her into an impulsive hug and she holds me tightly.

Finally, she releases me. It's so awful to see her so worried and hurt. She really cares about Ryan. I don't know if she even knew how much until he was gone. She's terrified that she's lost him for good but if I've learned anything these past few weeks, it's that the Cohens never give up. Kirsten and Sandy are the best parents I've ever seen in action, they don't deserve this pain. It's such a fucked up situation…

"I'm going to go check on them," I smile, squeezing her arm and trotting up the stairs.

Ryan's sitting on Seth's bed staring blankly at a handful of cds. He looks so fucking lost. So fucking sad. He's not tough anymore, he's just…wrecked.

"What's up, Chino?" I sit down beside him and he jumps, startled. I'll never be able to understand how he can be so jumpy even when he's safe in a place like this. We really are from different worlds. Seth, I get, he's spoiled and pampered like me, but Ryan…he's different. Everything he's ever had, he's had to work for.

"I'm supposed to be picking out cds. But none of these have labels on them…" he explained, clearing his throat uncomfortably. He held up one of Cohen's many burned cds.

"He burns these things all the time but he never takes the time to label them. Says it keeps it interesting because he gets to rediscover everything when he pops it in the cd player," I answer. Seth's such a weirdo…but I love him anyway.

Ryan gives me a slight nod.

Seth steps out and smiles warmly at me. He's much more upbeat now after talking to Ryan. He was so upset earlier but he's okay now. Optimistic. Ryan needs that. I need that. "So, man, where's your picks?"

"I don't really see anything…" he admits, flushing.

"None of your stupid cds are labeled, Cohen, how'd you expect him to pick?"

"Oh, yeah…sorry…I'll just take these and we'll be adventurous." Cohen scoops up the cds and pats Ryan on the back, urging him to his feet.

Kirsten and Sandy are nowhere to be found as we walk through the kitchen and out to the patio. They deserve some quiet time. I have no doubt that they can help Ryan but I can see the strain it's putting on them.

Seth starts setting up the stereo and soon, loud angry rock music starts to reverberate around the pool. "Perfect," he grins, turning to put his arm around me.

"Do we have to listen to that?" Ryan asks suddenly, startling us both.

"You're not a fan of the Deftones?"

He's standing under the patio lights and they only add to his pallor. His hands are clenched tightly around the back of one of the pool chairs and his eyes are hooded. He used to never show his emotions on his face but he's almost naked now, he can't hide anything.

"Ryan? It's okay, man, I'll change it…" Seth says, not pushing stop, just pulling open the cd drawer and replacing the cd with another one.

Ryan turns away from us and lights a cigarette, inhaling until I think he's going to smoke it all in one breath.

Cohen's arm tightens around me and I can see that he's starting to worry again.

"Roxie used to dance to that…"

"Hold up. Roxie stripped to the Deftones? How the hell is that even possible? No one can dance to the Deftones…" Seth asks, paling at his outburst. He's been doing so well with his diarrhea of the mouth…

Ryan surprises us, though because he turns around and smiles sadly. "Yeah…she had rhythm…the song didn't need rhythm because she had enough…" His gaze drifts to the Jacuzzi.

"Let's get into the hot tub, it's pretty chilly out here," Seth says, relaxing at his confession. I lay Kirsten's robe over one of the chairs with the towels and wait until Seth pulls off his shirt before stepping away and into the warmth of the Jacuzzi.

Ryan hesitates, glancing around with the cigarette dangling from his mouth as the smoke drifts from his nostrils.

"Come on, man, it's just us," Seth says quietly, settling beside me in the tub.

Ryan finally pulls off his wife beater and walks over.

He's really thin and the black tattoos stand out harshly against his pale skin. His nipples are still pierced with silver hoops. Poor Chino…he seems embarrassed to show himself to us.

Finally, he steps down into the tub and seems to relax, leaning back against the rim with a reminiscent expression on his face.

I recognize the sound of Brand New from the stereo and it's softer than the Deftones. We're all silent. Seth's arm is around me under the surface of the bubbling water and we're both trying not to stare at Ryan but we're failing miserably.

"So. How's Newport been surviving without me?" Ryan asks, closing his eyes finally.

Cohen turns his head at me with a smile. "You're really asking?"

"Yeah, man. Seems like everything's been all about me for the past few days. I need the distraction. Talk," Ryan says, not opening his eyes.

* * *

Things are finally looking better. Kirsten's napping in the bedroom and Ryan's actually relaxed when I walk onto the patio to check on them. His eyes are closed but he has a thin smile on his face and Seth is telling him about Caleb and Julie's last big shindig where Hailey got caught kissing one of the waiters. Summer's chiming in every few sentences and it's clear that the kids have finally gotten him to relax. 

He's been so damned skittish and cold since we got him back, it's unusual to see him not shaking and seeming at peace. I wonder how the hell he lasted so long in Chino. He keeps everything bottled up, I don't know how he didn't have some kind of breakdown…but I guess he did.

"How's everything going?"

They all jump, startled and I hate the tension that overtakes Ryan immediately. But then he gives me an apologetic smile. He's trying. He still trusts me, I think. But we've got a lot of work ahead of us. I can't get excited just because he's relaxed, he's nowhere close to being healed.

"Just filling Ryan in on all the Newport drama he missed," Seth answers.

"You've been out here a while. Don't get too cold," I add. I don't want any more trips to the hospital.

"You want us to come inside?" Seth asks, raising his eyebrows. It's pretty clear that he doesn't want to.

"I'm not ordering you or anything, but just don't stay in the tub too long, okay?" I make sure my tone is soft enough so they don't misinterpret.

"I'm kind of beat, guys. This…this was nice. I think I'll head in, though," Ryan says.

"Just because Dad…" Seth protests, glaring at me.

"No, Seth, because I'm tired and I'm out of cigarettes. I…the counselor's coming so I better try and get my head together," he says quietly, glancing up at me.

"Okay, man. We'll be inside later," Seth concedes, pulling Summer closer to him.

Ryan steps out of the Jacuzzi and I manage not to react to his tattoos. This is who he is now, I have to accept it. He turns around and I see small script writing on his lower back. He dries off but before he can pull his wife beater on, I manage to catch a few of the words. Tasty. Tragic. Guilty. Hot. The words of a dead woman etched in his flesh…

"Dad…" Seth is shaking his head at me. He's right. I'm not going to confront him.

"I didn't know she did those…" Ryan says, turning to face me. "I can't see them."

"I was just surprised…"

He doesn't react, keeping his face blank. Finally he nods toward the house. "I'm going to head inside…"

"I'll walk you," I say. I don't want him to get too far out of my sight. I take a chance and throw my arm around his damp shoulders and he doesn't flinch.

"That was nice. Thanks," he says quietly once we're inside.

"You're not a prisoner here."

He nods. "I know. Everything…I did everything wrong, Sandy. You can't run from your mistakes, they always catch you. They're catching me now. I have to…I have to deal with them, right?"

"Yes, kid. You have to face things…"

"I always thought I could do anything…" he whispers. "But being here…it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do…to have you and Kirsten look at me like this…to have Seth look at me like this…I'd rather be dead…"

"No, Ryan…"

"I'm not saying I'm suicidal…I just…I would never have done this to your family. You know that, right? I'd never put this on you…" he says, his eyes desperate.

"I know, kid…I know…" I pull him into a hug against his will and hold him tightly. He's shaking again.

"I'm not your responsibility…you shouldn't have to clean up my messes…" he murmurs.

"You're family. Accept that." I lean back, keeping my arms around him. "You will never have to do anything on your own again. We'll be behind you…we're not letting you go…you don't have to shoulder these problems alone anymore, okay?"

He nods but it's clear he's still unconvinced.

"You're worried about the counselor?" I ask.

"I…I'm just tired, I think. Honestly…I've been through every emotion in the past few days, I'm fucking spent…" he whispers. "I'm so tired of…of everything…but I know it's not going to get any easier…"

"It will." I have to convince him. "It will get easier, kid, when you start accepting your place here and that you belong with us. Let us help you…"

"I'm not going anywhere, Sandy. But I'm still not so sure that you can help me…but I'm tired of fighting," he says.

And I realize that he's not really relaxed, he's defeated. We've broken all his defenses down and he can't fight with us anymore. He's given up. He's turned himself over to us, now.

But we'll fix him. Cohens don't give up.

"I'll be in my room. I'll leave the door open," he says, turning and shuffling out of the kitchen.

* * *

I wake up when the doorbell rings. I haven't been getting much sleep and the short nap seems to have revived me a little. I get out of bed and follow Sandy's voice to the kitchen. 

"My name's Willa. I spoke with your wife on the phone…"

"Willa. Thank you so much for coming…" I say, joining Sandy at the counter.

She's tall and wiry with glasses. Her nose is pierced and her hair is long and black. She looks nothing like the professional tone she uses on the phone. "Marissa's pretty convincing. She says Ryan basically saved her life…she wants to return the favor. How's he doing?"

"He's pretty nervous but…he's willing to see you," Sandy answers, looping his arm around my waist.

"Kirsten gave me a basic rundown of what's been going on and I've spoken at length with Marissa…I'd really like to go ahead and get started with him if I could," she says.

"Are you sure that…" Sandy starts.

"I like to get most of my information from the patient…that way I'm not assuming anything. I know how important this kid is to you guys but my first priority is to Ryan and I don't want to get too much information from you before I talk to him," she says.

"I'll take you to him," I offer before Sandy can protest. She's right, she told me on the phone that she didn't like to get a lot of background from the family until after she'd actually talked to the patient, that way she wouldn't be biased. Marissa says that she's the best at the center where she volunteers.

The door is half opened and Ryan's lying with his back to the door. He's changed since the hot tub and he's wearing a fresh gray tank top and jeans. The red ball is clenched in his hand and the only movements we can see are his fingers squeezing the ball methodically.

"Ryan? This is Willa. She's the counselor that we talked to you about…"

He sits up immediately and slowly gets to his feet, approaching us. He holds out his empty hand hesitantly for a handshake.

Willa seems surprised but accepts his hand and shakes it firmly. She glances at me. "Is this where you'd like us to talk?"

"Sure. Ryan, if you want a cigarette, take Willa outside, okay?" I wait for him to meet my gaze and he finally does with pale blue eyes.

"Thanks," he whispers.

Willa gives me a patient smile. "I'll take it from here." She closes the door as soon as I step out.

"Is he okay?" Sandy asks, joining me in the hallway.

"I hope so…you don't think we're pushing him?"

"I think we have to push him, Kirsten…I…I don't know how long he's going to be here if we don't get him some help. I…I just don't know. He has to get help," Sandy whispers.

I pull him into my arms and hold him tightly. We need each other so much right now. And Seth. We have to put our family back together again. Whatever it takes.

"Let's give them some time," he says, leading me into the den.

* * *

"All right, guys. We have got to do something besides stare at his door," I say finally. I don't deny that I may have a mild form of ADHD, but sitting quietly has never been my forte. 

"They've been in there for over three hours," Dad says anxiously.

"All the people I talked to said he needed intensive therapy, maybe that's what she's doing…" Mom whispers.

Mom and Dad are sitting beside each other on the couch, sharing a cushion. Despite the drama of the past few days, it helps to see them so close.

Summer runs her hand down my arm again. "Maybe we should put a movie in or something. As a distraction?"

"That sounds good. Mom?"

She nods absently.

"I found this really good one the other night, it's a little raunchy but one of the guys is really hot," Summer said.

"Not Sex, Lies and Videotape again," I groan, knowing what she's going for.

"I haven't seen that in years," Mom perks up.

"I'll get it, it's in the car."

"You seem to have everything in your car," I remark.

"I just haven't returned it yet," she snorted, shoving me as she got up to get it.

"You don't have to hang around, Seth," Dad says quietly once Summer's gone.

"He's my best friend, Dad. I'm not going anywhere. I mean, if you and Mom want some alone time, we'll definitely clear out…"

Mom laughed. "That's okay, Seth. We know this is hard for you…"

"It's hard for all of us. I'm just really…really glad he's home. I mean, no matter how messed up he is…he could've died, you know? I'm really glad he's home."

For a minute I know I've said something wrong because Mom gets tears in her eyes and Dad pulls her close, but then he smiles at me. "You're too smart for your own good, kid."

"Here it is," Summer announces, returning with the DVD. I admire her as she bends over to load the DVD player. She's so pretty when she's messing with electronic equipment.

We're about halfway into the movie when the door to the guest room opens and the woman steps out. She leaves the door open as she walks out.

"All done for tonight, guys. You want to talk outside?" she asks my parents.

"Yes," they say, standing up immediately.

"Is he all right?" I ask the stranger.

She waves her hand and I take that as an invitation to check on him. Summer pauses the movie and follows me.

"Ryan?"

"I'm here, Seth," he says softly, sitting on the bed with the ball still clenched in his hand.

"You okay?"

He looks at me with broken eyes. "I don't think so. But…it wasn't so bad…you know?"

"No, I don't know…if you don't like her, I'll talk to Dad…" I start immediately but Summer quiets me with a hand on my back.

"No, no, she's fine," he sighs. "It's nice to talk to someone who…who doesn't know me from here…or there. Chino or Newport…she just sees me now…or what's left of me…I'm not really together enough…"

"Dude…you look pretty thrashed. Why don't you get some sleep?" I say, Summer's hand still on my back.

"If you want to talk…I'm supposed to try and talk…" Ryan says, but it seems like he's all out of words and he's searching for the right way to speak.

"No, dude, get some rest. We can talk tomorrow, we just wanted to make sure you were all right," I say.

"I'm just…really tired of talking today…" he says and I can tell that it's true. He's drained.

"Get some rest, man. See you tomorrow, all right?"

"Sure."

* * *

"He's not your biological child?" Willa asks us immediately as she lights a cigarette on the patio. 

"I told you that." I glance at Sandy worriedly.

"He's pretty messed up, like…probably from before you knew him…his mom ruined him years ago, I'm surprised he made it this long…" she says honestly, inhaling deeply off the cigarette.

"That's all you got from the whole three hours?" Sandy asks her, sitting down.

"He's not much of a talker. But he's edgy from the withdrawal so he's easy to break down…but it's exhausting for both of us," she replies softly, sitting down across from him. "He's in a lot of pain. He hates himself. He's got to get past that before he's ever going to be able to function. He loves you guys. More than anyone. More than himself. He's doing this for you. He doesn't believe that he deserves to be saved…"

"He's a good kid…he's got the best heart, he sacrificed everything to raise a child…but he's totally misguided…"

"It isn't something that can be fixed in a day, or a week. And he's got to want it for himself. He has to learn how to love himself again…or at least tolerate himself. He's pushed down his true…essence, if you will, so far down inside that he's really just a shell right now, he's running on instinct…he's been using the fix to hide from what he's feeling…as he slowly goes without the drugs, he's going to start having to face his emotions for real, without the buffer of the drugs."

"What do we need to do? How do we get our Ryan back?" I ask as Sandy takes my hand tightly.

"The Ryan you knew is gone, Kirsten. You'll never have the same kid back, he's…he's been through too much. The drugs…they're the only thing that's never let him down, no matter what, he could always turn to them and trust that they would make things better, he always knew what he was going to get when he turned to them…" she stated seriously. "He was in a situation that he couldn't see a way out of and the drugs were there for him, they gave him the only joy and relief that he had…"

"He didn't come to us…"

"He's here now. Give him a couple of days, stick close to him, show him that he can trust you, that he can be himself here and…give him time. He's got a long road ahead of him…I think you guys have all pretty much showed him that you care about him…I'm going to come by tomorrow if that's okay, with some literature and some things to hopefully help you all get through this," Willa continues.

"We'll pay for whatever he needs…"

Willa smiles. "You're already giving him what he needs. Stability and support. Unconditional love. He's a little thin, though…"

"Nutritionist is due here at eight, I've got copies of his medical records, he's got an ulcer so we've got to work on getting him to eat," Sandy says.

"Good. I also recommend getting him into NA meetings and AA meetings…and you guys should consider Al-Anon…it really seems to help to talk to people that are going through the same things."

"He's agreed to go to NA, he knows we want him to try it."

She nods. "Good. I talked to him about it, too."

"Thank you," I manage, my mind swirling with what's she's told me.

"I'll see you in the morning. I'll call first, okay?"

"How much do we owe you?" Sandy asks.

"We'll discuss it when you see some progress, how about that? Seems like you guys are good for it," she winks, getting to her feet and shaking his hand.

"Kirsten?"

I take a deep breath. "For the first time, it seems like we can do this, Sandy…"

"We can do this…" he says, embracing me.

* * *

_She's covered in glitter, the sparkles illuminate her tattoos as she saunters across the lighted stage to the melody of the guitar. She smiles at me, a drop of blood trickling from the side of her mouth. Her pierced tongue slips out and licks it up as she gets closer._

_I'm reaching for her with unpainted arms but when her fingers touch my skin, it burns. She's burning me but she doesn't let me go, leaning forward and kissing me._

_I start to choke._

Roxie. I should have known she'd haunt me. She's in my dreams.

I'll always see her.

At least she won't die forgotten.

Its three am. It's so quiet here. No sirens. No cell phones. No traffic.

I need a cigarette. And a drink. And a line.

I sit up, hot again. I don't seem to have a normal temperature anymore. Has to be the shakes still getting to me.

Three hours of spilling my soul. Or what's left of it. For what?

Hot and uncomfortable in a place I don't belong?

I should leave. Disappear.

But immediately, I see Seth's pleading face and Sandy and Kirsten…

I don't want to love them this much.

I don't have any choice anymore. I have to try. For them.

Willa definitely wasn't what I'd expected. She didn't know anything about me. It was an interesting visit. I'd told her more than I knew I could even say.

She seems to think I deserve to live, too. A stranger. Listening to my story, I'd expected disgust or at least judgment. But she seems cool.

Deep breath.

I can't sleep.

I should get up and walk off the nightmare.

I don't want to go outside. The kitchen will be safe. I can see the ocean from the kitchen. Drink some milk for my stomach.

Enjoy the quiet.

I don't turn any lights on, the Cohens need their sleep, I know they've been staying up watching me.

Roxie.

Something Willa said to me reminds me of Roxie. She said something about people from violent backgrounds equating intensity with love. I don't know if that's really true, but Roxie was definitely intense.

She made me feel alive again.

Now she's dead.

And I don't think I'll ever be alive again.

* * *

God, I slept for a full eight hours. It feels strange to feel sleepy without the mind-numbing exhaustion behind it. The clock says seven am. Not bad. Kirsten's still sleeping soundly. Beautiful, especially when she's sleeping. 

I need coffee.

As soon as I walk into the kitchen, I can see that a pot's already made.

"Hey."

"Ryan." I'm surprised he's up.

"Couldn't sleep," he says, sitting at the kitchen table.

"You okay?"

"Tired."

I pour myself a cup of coffee. This is remarkably normal so I'm immediately on edge. "Bad dreams?"

"Yeah," he nods. "But I'm still here."

"Yes, you are," I reply, grabbing the bagels he's obviously put out and going to the table. "Did you eat anything?"

"I tried. Got through half a bagel. Two glasses of milk. I'm letting them settle, you know?" he answered, one hand absently across his stomach. You're up early."

"I feel better." I pat his arm. "You look better." He does. He has color back in his skin and he's calm. He doesn't have the blind panic behind his eyes today.

"It's…this is my home, Sandy. As much as I've messed up…this will always be my home…I just have to learn how to live here again…"

"We'll figure it out, I told you, you're not alone anymore."

He nods solemnly.

"You've got a busy day tomorrow. You could get a nap on the couch…"

"Could I go outside? It's…it's a nice day outside."

"Sure, kid. We'll wake you up if you start to burn," I reply.

"Thanks," he says, looking relieved.

"You're not a prisoner here. You could've gone outside."

"I know, I just figured you'd freak if you saw me gone and I hadn't told you where I was going to be," he says, smiling sadly.

He's right. But he shouldn't be. "Go ahead, kid."

He gets up slowly and puts his chair under the table carefully. His steps are measured as he walks outside. He hesitates at closing the door.

"Leave it open. We can use the air," I tell him.

He seems to remember something and he pauses. "You guys always leave the door open." He nods and walks up the stairs to the pool and stretches out in one of the loungers.

"Honey? Where's Ryan, he's not in his room," Kirsten says, hurrying into the kitchen.

"He's outside. He made us coffee," I say, holding out her cup.

"He's…okay. Small parental freak-out…" she says, calming herself.

"He said he couldn't sleep. He waited until I found him in the kitchen and then asked if he could go outside. He said he knew we'd worry if we didn't know where he was."

She wraps her arms around me. "He knows us too well…"

"It's going to be another long day."

"It'll be worth it, though. He's coming back to us. I can feel it."


	7. 7

I watch Ryan through the window, swimming his second set of laps for the day.

It's odd, the change that's come over him in the past few days.

He's not the same boy that left here at the end of the summer.

His pride's gone, his purity.

I know that Ryan wasn't necessarily pure but he had an aura of innocence, of goodness when I first met him. He's tainted now and he's seen so much of the bad in life that he doesn't know what's left to live for.

Teresa took everything from him with her lies.

She knows she's being unreasonable but she can't forgive Teresa.

Ryan's moods have stabilized into a plateau of solemn obedience. He's latched onto a strict schedule designed by Willa, his therapist, the nutritionist and Sandy.

He gets up at nine, has breakfast, and goes running with Hailey. At eleven, he swims. Noon, he goes to N.A. One thirty, he's at his shrink's. He eats again at three and meets Sandy at four to help him at his office. Six, he swims. He goes to another meeting at seven and he meets Willa at eight every night.

She can't tell how he's doing because he's always the same.

Except at night.

Ryan comes to life at night, the smallest freedom from the structure of his schedule changing him.

_"Hi." I found Ryan on the patio, smoking. His eyes were dark._

_"Hey."_

_I sat down in the chair alongside him. "It took me two years to give up cigarettes completely."_

_I saw him smile. "Yeah?"_

_"God, Sandy hated it. The Nana's always been a chainsmoker and he hated it. He could always smell it in my clothes."_

_"I never knew you smoked," he said._

_"I didn't want to influence you," I told him._

_He went quiet._

_I was thinking of Dawn, his mother. How she influenced him._

_"You're a good mother. Dawn's not a mother at all," he said, reading my face._

_"I'm sorry." I didn't know what he needed me to say._

_"I…I know it's harsh the way I talk about her…but feel sorry for her, too…something had to make her the way she is…just like something made me this way…broke me down…how do I have the right to judge her when I don't know the full story?"  
_  
I admire him for his ability to love and forgive after all he's been through. He's so full of hurt and anger and hate but he doesn't share it…he keeps it all to himself.

* * *

I'm sitting with Sandy and Kirsten in the living room watching some random sitcom that makes Kirsten giggle like a schoolgirl. 

I'm letting today's thoughts settle.

NA. Willa. Dr. Jenkins. Seth.

Listening to people who'd ruined their lives with drugs.

Listening to Willa give me advice on how to stop my spiral and retake control of my destiny.

Listening to Dr. Jenkins tell me that everything's not my fault.

Listening to Seth with his blind enthusiasm for life.

I feel different. I just don't know how I feel. It's like I'm finally able to feel again without the drugs dulling the emotions but I'm so fucked up that I can't deal with the feelings.

I've been without the drugs for over two weeks now and I still miss them with every breath. I just have to wait until I can find another way to feel good about myself.

The doorbell rings and I get up first.

I can't really sit still for too long anymore. It's the nights that get me, when I don't have an itinerary to keep me going.

I open the door and I feel my lungs shut down.

"Hey," Eddie says, his hands in his pockets.

I know why he's here.

He's earned it. I hold my hands out at my side, palms toward him. I close my eyes.

I feel the pain in my nose as his punch knocks me backwards. Damn…

"Ryan?" Kirsten shrieks, rushing to my side.

"It's okay…it's okay…" I say, getting to my feet and wiping the blood from my face with my hand.

Eddie's rubbing his fist and Sandy's standing between us, pissed.

"What the hell…"

"It's cool, I deserved it."

Eddie looks past Sandy at me. "Can we talk?"

"Yeah." I'm not ready to do this, but he's here.

I need to roll with the punches.

Shake it off.

"Ryan…" Kirsten starts.

"I'm not going to hit him again," Eddie tells Sandy.

"It's cool," I repeat.

"Leave the door open," Sandy says finally and Eddie steps in, following me to the guest room.

My room.

"How are you doing?" Eddie asks.

"Sober," I answer. "You?"

"The Cohens helped me out. Paid my rent. They're getting me ready for the baby."

The baby. Teresa's baby.

It hurts.

"I don't blame you."

What? I look at him. He's serious.

"I would have done the same thing if Teresa had come to me first. She manipulated us both but you were the one she wanted…"

"Stop." I don't…I can't think about Teresa. I'm not strong enough.

"Sorry. You look better. Like, healthier," he says.

"I'm on a regiment."

"I just came by to see how you were doing. I mean, those months in Chino…I watched you lose more and more of yourself until you weren't even the same person. But I couldn't hate you because I knew…"

"Knew what?"

"I knew why you were doing it. For Teresa…for the baby. You were an asshole…but it wasn't you. I'm glad you're home now."

I can't even reply.

Eddie holds out his hand. "Can we be friends again? Leave all that behind us? Leave Teresa behind us?"

I reach out and my hand is shaking but I managed to clasp his hand. He pulls me into a loose hug.

"You're going to be a good father," I whisper.

"Thanks. It means a lot coming from you."

* * *

"So, kid, how's your day?" I ask him as he walks in and drops his backpack by my desk. 

"Fine," he answers.

He always answers 'fine'.

His face is still bruised from Eddie's punch and he still hasn't given me a decent answer as to what that was all about.

But he's doing better.

On the outside at least.

He's doing everything we ask of him. Going to NA meetings, sometimes four times a day, seeing a shrink, seeing Willa and the nutritionist once a week.

I know he still throws up sometimes, but he's already looking better from his meals.

I don't know if he's pulling himself out of his depression, though.

I can't read him at all.

He's resigned.

I just don't know what he's resigned to.

* * *

I recognize the girl from the meetings. Lari. She's four months clean, off heroin, I think. 

She's thin and brunette and fucking gorgeous.

So when she approaches me after the meeting, I don't warn her off with a glare. I may be "painfully antisocial" according to my shrink, but I'm still a man.

I give her a small smile and a nod.

"You're so quiet. Want to join me for a smoke before the next meeting?"

I nod.

We end up in the backseat of the Rover, her hands in my hair while she straddles me.

It's been too long since I had some stress relief and this girl is hot and she knows all the right moves.

"No-strings-fucking," Lori pants, wrapping her hand around my already hard cock.

She's not Roxie, she's not Teresa or Marissa…but she's willing and she knows what it's like to be stripped of all things that feel good…we both need a few minutes that we don't have to think…

Sex is freeing and familiar.

I push my fingers into her wet pussy and she moans, pulling off her shirt so I can suck one of her nipples into my mouth.

I don't have to think, its instinctual…she rolls a condom onto my dick and my hips buck automatically into her hand.

"Fuck me, now," she whispers. She spreads her legs and despite our cramped positions, my dick knows the way to her cunt and she gasps as I push completely inside her with a groan.

Her heels dig into my ass and I start to thrust into her, desperate.

"God, I need it, get me off…"

I fuck her wildly now, rocking the SUV.

She comes with a squeal and I finally let go, burying my dick inside her tight warmth.

She presses her face against my chest, breathing hard. "I really needed that…"

"Me, too…thanks…"

"The drugs…they made me feel good and…nothing else makes me feel that good…I just needed something that feels good…"

My dick's still inside her and her pussy clenches around me when I take her quivering lips into my mouth. "You made me feel good," I tell her honestly.

"God, this is totally against my program…my shrink says sex is just like drugs…" she sighs when I lower my kisses to her smooth neck.

"Hey…no strings…I'm not judging this…"

She smiles, even though I'm lying.

I'm hard again and when she pulls my shirt off, I start to fuck her again.

We both know its wrong but we don't stop.

* * *

Something weird is going on. Summer noticed it first, but she's exactly right. Ryan's…in a good mood. 

I've seen him smile two days in a row. He even made a joke yesterday.

Something's going on.

"Hey. What's up?"

He's sitting cross-legged on his bed, flipping absently through a motorcycle magazine.

"Nada. You?"

I sit down in the chair and he perks up immediately, sensing that I have something to say. "Just wanted to chat with you awhile. You seem…different."

"Is that a good thing?" he asks, his eyes revealing nothing.

"Yeah," I answer honestly. "But…it's a little unexpected." I lean forward. "Summer thinks you're getting laid."

He smiles and he blushes. Shit.

"Really?" I get up and close the door.

"Please, Seth…I…it's not what you think…"

"I don't think anything, dude, I was just teasing, but…"

He covers his face and I can see that he's shaking again. "There's this girl from NA and we've been hooking up…between meetings and stuff…and it's wrong because we're just fucking but…"

"Dude, chill out," I tell him, patting him on the back.

"I haven't told anyone…it's…I know it's wrong…"

"Why is it wrong, man?" I don't get it. If he's met a girl and she makes him happy, then why is it wrong?

"It's another addiction…another way to hide from reality…but I've given up drinking, I've given up smoking…I've given up…everything…this…it's like the lesser of all the evils…if I tell Willa or Doc Jenkins…they'll make me stop…and its too hard…

"You can't expect to give up everything at once, man, that's just impossible. Do you like her?"

He grins at me, guilt still lining his face. "I don't even know her last name…"

I can't stop myself from smiling. Even depressed and desolate, Ryan still gets laid. "That might come in handy, eventually. But…maybe you should consider telling someone, like Willa. I don't think she's going to judge you, from everything she's told us, you're doing better than she expected. You're beating this, man, but we know you're not infallible."

"So, you…you think I should talk about it…"

"Yeah. I mean, you obviously need to, you spilled your guts as soon as I started in on you…" Ryan would have never done that in the past.

He nods. "I guess so…I mean, I don't want to stop but…I don't know what to do…I know what Kirsten and Sandy will think…"

"You're not getting high with her, are you?"

"No, no, we're both clean…"

"Can I meet her?"

Ryan smiles and shakes his head. "We're not really friends…just…partners."

"How long?"

"A couple of weeks…I'll talk to Willa."

"Even if you don't…I'd still like to meet her."

"I think I'm going to go to a meeting. Want to catch a movie later?" He asks, getting off the bed and grabbing his cigarettes.

"Sure, man. Are we okay?"

"Yeah. Thanks for…for sticking with me," he says, offering his hand for a quick slap. "I needed the grounding."

"Any time." It's weird that I'm the grounded one now. I used to come to him for advice and now we've switched roles.

He gives me another smile and disappears.

* * *

I see the girl crying from across the room. She's been crying since before the meeting started. 

I had a shitty day at work and Dad is still giving me hell about everything and I really needed this meeting.

But I can't stop looking at the girl.

And Ryan's arms around her.

He's not her sponsor, he's still a fledgling in the program, and he shouldn't be comforting her. But I know how he is and he's a sucker for a crying girl.

They open up the floor. I don't feel like talking tonight, I just need the support. I'm still watching them when she raises her hand.

"My name's Lari and I'm an addict…" she says, wiping her eyes and holding Ryan's hand tightly with her other hand.

"Hi, Lari," the group responds.

"I'm four and a half months sober…and it's hard, it's hard every day…but I've been pushing forward, trying to focus on getting my life back together…I reconciled with my parents, got an apartment and a part time job…last week, I applied to community college so I could try and get my GED…I dropped out of high school with only two months left before graduation…and today was my first class…" Her voice trails off and Ryan murmurs something in her ear. She wipes her eyes and continues. "I sit down in class and this kid sits down beside me. He smiles at me like I'm supposed to recognize him, but I don't, there's no memory of him in me…but he knows me, he knows my name, knows about the birthmark on my thigh…he says he met me last year and we had sex at a party in Tahoe…and it was like, all my hard work to build a new life is for nothing because I'm still a junkie whore…and I couldn't stay, so I left…I haven't wanted a hit so bad in so long…I couldn't even call my sponsor because my hands were shaking so bad…but I didn't use, I didn't drink…I just…I walked here because I couldn't call a cab…"

Ryan puts his arms around her and I find myself walking over to them. I embrace them both.

He looks at me and gives me a sad smile. "Thanks."

"We're in this together…you're not alone," I whisper. The girl shudders and nods into Ryan's shoulder.

Kendra, my sponsor's beside us now, kneeling in front of the girl's chair. "We'll get you through this, Lari, okay? We'll go out for coffee after the meeting…"

"Thanks…god, I'm a mess…" she mutters, wiping her face again.

The meeting ends a little early and a bunch of us head across the street to the coffeehouse.

Ryan brings Lari and me coffee and I don't ask how he knows how Lari likes her coffee. We'll have time to talk later. I'm sober, he's sober and that's what's important right now.

"Honey, who's your sponsor?" Kendra asks her.

"I haven't talked to her in weeks…I haven't needed to…" she reaches over and grasps Ryan's hand and we all see it.

"Are you guys…involved?" Kendra asks, glancing between them. She knows Ryan's new to the program. Addicts are discouraged from getting involved in relationships until they've been clean for at least a year.

"Um, we're friends…I give her a ride home sometimes…pick her up…we're friends," Ryan replies.

"We've been sleeping together," Lari adds, glancing at him. Ryan flushes and reluctantly meets my gaze.

"Lari, I grew up here, I partied here, I see people every day who've watched me put shit up my nose…it's something we have to deal with…we can't change our past, we can only change our future," I tell her.

"I could kick his ass for you," Ryan says and everyone at the table laughs, even Lari smiles. But I know that Ryan's serious.

Ryan and Lari are the youngest regulars at this session and I should have seen it coming.

"It doesn't matter what he thinks of you. You're not that person anymore, Lari, you're changing your life…"

"I know that the kid didn't even mean anything by it, he was probably just glad to have a familiar face in the class but I…I couldn't take it…how am I ever going to be able to show my face there again?" Lari asks.

"You're not there to make friends. You're there to get your GED," Kendra says. "You didn't use, you came to a meeting, and you're still sober that's something to be proud of…"

She nods. She takes a deep swallow of her coffee. "I'll…I'll go tomorrow and talk to the teacher…see if I can stay in the class…not freak out…"

"Four and a half months is something to be proud of, Lari," I tell her. She seems calmer.

"Are me and Ryan in trouble?" she asks quietly.

I look at Ryan. "Sober?" He nods.

"It helps to have someone that knows how it feels…" he says quietly. "I told my sponsor…she told me that she doesn't approve…"

Willa is Ryan's sponsor. I'm glad she knows.

"We have no say in your personal life. Just…be careful. Both of you are struggling right now but as long as you're helping each other, there's no way we can tell you what to do," Kendra says.

I search Ryan's face but he doesn't look at me. I can't help but think that the last thing he needs is another desperate girl to take care of.

"It's helping," Lari says quietly, not releasing his hand.

He looks at me, then, as if he needs my approval. I reach over and take his free hand, squeezing it tightly.

He smiles. I squeeze his hand again. I can stay sober if he can.


	8. 8

"Sandy, guess what?" Ryan says, walking into the kitchen.

Things have finally settled down around here. I can trust Ryan again. "What's up, kid?"

It's been a long road and things are far from perfect, but I feel like I recognize him again. He's relaxed, no longer trapped like an animal, no longer doubting everyone's motives.

"I got a job today," Ryan says, sitting down at the counter. He looks just like he would have looked last year at this time, apart from the painted arms and still bleached hair.

"A job?"

"Yeah," Ryan says.

Kirsten says that he started making the most progress when they let him start riding his bike again. They'd let him use the Rover to go to his meetings and sessions with Willa, but they'd waited a couple of months before handing the keys to the motorcycle over.

Ryan loves that bike. Spends at least an hour a day in the driveway fine-tuning it.

He's gained weight and he's finally starting to look healthy again. "What kind of job?" I know he's been looking, he finally feels strong enough to face the Newpsies again at Kirsten's fundraisers and he needs to feel useful.

"Well, it's not a really good job, but it's a start. Willa needs a maintenance man down at the center and I can fix just about anything so she's hired me. I'll be troubleshooting for them, fixing the plumbing in the auditorium and working on the oven in the kitchen. That way I'll have lots of time to study for those placement tests the tutor needs me to take."

I can see the excitement in his eyes and it fills me with a hope that I try to hide. He's talking about the tutor, studying. Moving on from this hole he's dug himself without our urging.

"That sounds great, Ryan. Kirsten's going to be disappointed that you don't want to be her gopher down at the Newport Group," I say and smile when he laughs.

"I don't want to push my luck with Caleb these days. I think this will be good for me. Like, I can do it on my own terms," Ryan admits.

I pat him on the back with a grin. "I'm happy for you, kid."

"Thanks. I hope it works out," Ryan says. He glances at his watch. "I have to meet Seth and Summer at the diner. I'll see you guys later."

I watch him hurry out of the kitchen.

When I found him in that house in Chino, I never imagined that I could get him back.

And I still don't have him back, not the kid that I knew, but he's slowly surfacing.

My family's coming back together.

* * *

I park my bike in my normal spot at the center and tuck my helmet under my arm. I hate this damned helmet but it's the only way I can keep Kirsten from following me in her car everywhere I go. 

I'm not usually at the center this early but the parking lot's already half full.

I'm early and Willa's Honda isn't in her space so I walk over and take a seat on the bench and light a cigarette.

"Well, well. Hey, stranger."

I barely recognize Marissa when I look over to see her sit beside me.

She's gained about twenty pounds and the weight has only made her more beautiful. It feels like a lifetime since I knew her.

"Hey. I've been hearing about you, but I'd started to think that you were a figment of my imagination," I smile, accepting her friendly hug.

"Yeah, Willa's awesome. She really helped me out," Marissa smiles.

"Me, too. Thanks for introducing her to Kirsten. She's great," I tell her.

"I wanted to see you…but I didn't think that I'd help that much when you first got back. I'm still struggling to stay sober myself and I didn't want to mess you up again," she says.

"Yeah. I was pretty messed up. I'm just now starting to feel…like myself again," I tell her honestly.

"You don't look like the Ryan Atwood I fell in love with," she says, studying me.

"I'm not the Ryan Atwood you fell in love with," I answer evenly. She was in love with an image, she never really knew me.

"The summer sucked, didn't it?"

"Yeah. But…but I'm home now, and things…they'll get better again. Maybe one day I can find out what normal's like."

She laughs and it's nice.

"So, you're our new handyman. Are you going to walk around shirtless so we can take our cigarette breaks with some scenery?" she asks.

"You might not like the scenery," I tell her. The tattoos are a part of me now.

She puts her hand on my arm and sighs. "I doubt that, Ryan." She hesitates. "You're always going to be my first love, but I have to admit, we are the absolute worst couple that anyone could imagine putting together. I'm an addict and you're an enabler. You would do anything to help me, to make me happy and the type of person that I am, I'm always going to let you take care of me. But we both need to start taking care of ourselves. I think we're nicer people separate than we ever were together."

"Wow. You've really got the lingo down," I joke, but I appreciate her words. She's right, if there was a textbook, then we'd be pictured to the left of the blurb.

"You changed my life, Ryan. I know that sounds cheesy but you were the wakeup call that I needed to put my life in order," she says quietly.

"Marissa," I start, not following her. "I left you…"

She smiles. "You were never really mine, Ryan. But you were the reason I got clean. I made a promise to myself that if I ever met up with you again that I would make you proud of me, that I'd be clean."

And she is. "So, we're friends now?"

"And coworkers, can you believe it?"

"It is a little far out," I admit.

"So, Summer says you have a girlfriend."

I roll my eyes and feel the heat rush my cheeks. Marissa Cooper always has that effect on me. "Not really dating…just…sleeping together."

She laughs. "Can't fight those bad boy roots but so much, right?"

"She's nice, but I'm not really ready to get involved with anyone right now and neither is she. It works for us," I say, thinking of Lari. She's been a little distant lately but considering we only see each other to have sex, that's not saying much. But she's been quiet at the meetings, too, when she goes.

We both glance over as Willa pulls into the parking lot.

"Well, there's the boss, I better start the coffee, but I'll see you around," she smiles, patting my knee before hurrying inside.

"Punctual. I like that. Come on in and I'll show you your locker," Willa says plucking the freshly lit cigarette from my fingers and raising it to her lips for a drag.

"Tough night?" It shows on her face.

"Yeah, kid. It's nice to see a friendly face about now," she sighs.

"If I've learned anything from you, it's that it's always nice to see a friendly face, Willa. Or should I call you 'Boss'?" I ask and I'm pleased when she smiles. She's helped me out more than I can ever repay and it's the least I can do to make her smile.

* * *

"Hey, Seth, you made it," Ryan grins when I walk in. 

"You said you were hungry and you've brought me lunch enough times that I had to return the favor," I tell him. Granted, the reason he was always so eager to bring me lunch was to get out of the house, but I wanted to see where he works. "So, how goes it?"

"It goes," he shrugs, taking the bag of take out from me and leading me into a small break room and kicking out a chair for me without breaking step.

The smoothness of his action reminds me of the way I used to think that Ryan had everything together. He has a talent for seeming in control in every situation. But I know now, that it's all an act. He's always alert, looking out for danger so he's always orienting and preparing himself.

He just handles his fear differently. I get nervous and babble and Ryan protects himself at all costs by being cool.

I think we understand each other better now than we ever did before. It's like he respects me more now that I get that he's just a kid finding his way just like me.

"What's up? Why are you so quiet? Afraid you'll get robbed by a junkie on your way out?" Ryan asks, smirking.

"Nah, dude, just thinking," I grin. He jokes now, usually when it's just me and him, but it's still a stark different from the scary dude we brought home from Chino a couple of months ago.

"Saw Marissa today," he says casually, taking a bite of the burger.

"Yeah? How'd that go? You guys have your whole _Felicity_ moment?"

He wrinkles his eyebrows.

"You know, you went 'hey', she went 'hey', and then everything was like a movie with the chick music…"

"Dude. Shut up," he says.

"Spill," I urge.

"It was nothing. I think we've both moved on. Which is nice because I think she'll be a good friend," he shrugs.

"How's Lari these days?" I ask, mentioning Ryan's unseen female companion. He still hasn't introduced her to my parents, or me but Hailey assures us that she exists.

He shrugs again, chewing. "She hasn't been around lately, I called her yesterday but got her machine."

"You worried?" I ask.

"Not really. It's not like we're dating or anything," he says.

Summer's talked to me about the way Ryan seems to have shut his emotions off to everyone not in his inner circle. The casual way that he talks about Lari concerns her. Not that he's the type to mistreat women, but the disposal bed partners and strictly physical relationships that he leans toward worries her.

"Where's your other half, anyway?" Ryan asks, changing the subject.

"Hanging out with her dad. She'll be over for dinner. What time do you get off?"

He folds the leftover half of the burger in the wrapping and tucks it back into the bag. "Around four. Willa's going to start squeezing our sessions into our break times here so we don't have to meet as often in the afternoons. She thinks I'm doing well enough to cut back."

"That's cool, man…" I say.

"I guess. But…I feel better, Seth. The structure, the support…what if I can't stand on my own?" he asks quietly.

I can't believe he's asking me something so personal. I've never known a Ryan to be so openly vulnerable.

But that's what I'm here for.

"Ryan. You know you can do it. Stop doubting yourself. We're still going to be here for you. You've been doing it on your own for a while now. Things change. You changed when you went to Chino and you've changed since you came home. You're never going to be alone like that again."

He nods and meets my gaze for a split second. "Thanks."

"No problem." And it isn't. Because I've matured since I met Ryan, since I gained a brother. We balance each other out. I try to teach him to have fun and he's always teaching me how to be a man.

* * *

_Now talking's just a waste of breath  
and living's just a waste of death_

_--Fall Out Boy_

I knock on Lari's door, trying not to bang, but needing to be heard over the pulsing music.

She'd left me a message while I was at the eight o'clock meeting.

Despite Seth's reassurances and my blissfully uneventful day at work, I've been having the cravings.

I'm shaky. I don't like it. Willa says it'll get better but that's not helping my immediate problem.

The door opens a crack and I see her eyes peeking through the door. She closes it and unchains the lock, letting me inside.

"What's up?" I get out before she pushes me backwards against the wall, kissing me.

I can taste the sour taste of liquor immediately and have to stop myself from falling into her kiss.

"Lari…"

"I missed you, babe," she smiles. Her eyes are glassy and I can tell that she's been fucking with more than a bottle.

"What's going on, Lari?" I force myself to take a step back. "You okay?"

"Oh, I'm better than okay…did you know yesterday was my birthday? I know you didn't, but I'm telling you now, and since I've been clean for so long, I decided that I needed to do something just for me, to prove to myself that I'm doing better, that I'm totally okay and I'm not an addict," she says in a rush, distracted already from me and searching the immediate area until she locates a burning cigarette balanced on the table by the door.

"Lari…maybe you should call your sponsor…"

"I'm not relapsing, Ryan…" she says immediately. "I'm just…indulging. I'm better now," she starts but I stop listening.

I turn away from her voice and light a cigarette of my own. My hands are shaking.

Willa says that I'm not a conventional junkie, because I hate addiction to anything, but I'm still an addict. Even though I hate what the coke does to me, I hate who I am when I'm using, I know that if I ever taste it again that it would take a force of nature to tear me away.

Lari's Roxie all over again. I should've followed the program, I should have listened to Hailey and Willa's warnings about dating someone with a drug problem.

I've been fucking around with Lari, broadcasting my ability to be close to someone without becoming involved, but I said the same thing about Roxie and she…

She was important to me.

Lari's important to me.

But is she important enough for me to lose what I've worked for?

"Baby? Are you mad? Please don't be mad, I brought enough for both of us…" Lari says, beside me now.

"No."

* * *

___And all the things that you never ever told me  
And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me  
Never coming home  
Never coming home  
Could I? Should I?  
And all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me  
For all the ghosts that are never gonna catch me_

___If I fall_

___--My Chemical Romance_

"Sandy, stop, the boys will be home any minute," I giggle as he licks my ear again, his hand roaming under my blouse near my bellybutton.

"We'll hear the bike pull up, and Seth will be talking, we'll have warning," he murmurs, capturing my lips in his mouth.

"And you're going to have to listen to Seth with that pillow on your lap again," I laugh when we stop to catch our breath.

I love Sandy Cohen. I feel like a schoolgirl lately with the urge to scribble our names on my business notes.

He's such a great father and together, we've got two healthy boys again.

It's never easy, but somehow it isn't hard with Sandy.

The roar of Ryan's bike keeps us from going back down on the couch but there will be plenty of time for making out later.

When Ryan first came home, I didn't think that he was going to make it, that our family was going to make it. But he's one of the strongest people that I've ever met and he's slowly becoming the man that we all knew he could be. The strongest people are always the hardest to repair.

Sandy glances at me when the door doesn't open immediately.

"He's probably just smoking," I say.

"I know. But…"

"Go make me some hot chocolate and I'll get him," I say, kissing him softly.

I step into my slippers and make my way to the garage.

The door's still up and I can see Ryan's silhouette hunched over in a cloud of smoke. "Hi."

"Hey, Kirsten," he says softly.

"You okay?" I put a hand on his back and I can feel him trembling through the leather jacket.

"Lari's high," he says quietly, not looking at me as I put my arm completely around his shoulder and pull him close.

"Oh, honey…" I whisper. I don't ask him if he's high, I don't have to. He wouldn't be here if he'd used.

"I…I messed up. I should have left her alone…just like Roxie, I should've just left them both alone…"

"You have a weakness for beautiful women," I tell him, trying to lighten his dark mood.

"For damaged women," he replies. "I saw Marissa today…and she pigeonholed me, perfect, said that I always try to fix things, I always try to make things better…but I only make them worse, Kirsten…I…I can't help Lari…"

"It's not your job to fix Lari…"

"But…you guys are here for me, you guys are fixing me…"

"No, Ryan, you're doing this yourself. We've helped you when you needed it…but you can't help her if she's not ready…"

"She's all alone, her parents…"

"Ryan, what do you really know about her?"

He sighs. "Nothing. I thought…I thought if I didn't know anything that…that it wouldn't be like this…"

"You care. It's one of the reasons we love you so much. You always care."

He still won't look at me, but he takes a final drag off his cigarette and drops it in the decorative ashtray Hailey bought for him for his 30-day sobriety chip.

"I called her sponsor. It was the only thing I could think of," he says, steadying himself and turning to face me. "I couldn't stay there. I needed to come home."

"Welcome home," I say, and he steps closer, pulling me into a gentle hug.

"Thanks."

I keep an arm around him, needing to tether him but he's not shaking as badly.

"I ordered you a helmet today, it's about time you went for a ride on the bike," he says as we walk by his rolling death machine.

"Doubtful, Ryan."

"I've almost talked Sandy into buying a Harley with a sidecar," he smiles as we walk inside.

Fin.

AN: Thanks to everyone that stuck with me through this one.


End file.
